1.
guys i've cracked the code
2.
HER: Im breaking up with u ME: Is it because I say "Uh Oh Spaghetti O's" when things go wrong? HER: Ya ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O's
3.
When that new house on the block got a fat ass basement
4.
every morning I ask the dog "the usual?" before pouring her food into her bowl & neither of us thinks it's funny but that's showbiz baby
5.
6.
What’s better than getting your girl some flowers.....
7.
10 minutes Into conspiracy theories and chill, we start getting illuminaughty
8.
[in ambulance] "Can you describe the snake that bit you?" Yes it was like an angry rope
9.
10.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite* *gets 2nd kite stuck in tree* Genie: please don't w- Me: I wish for a third kite
11.
Me: I need a doctor's appointment Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow? Me: No I don't need that many
12.
not sure what I'm supposed to do with this information
13.
wife: I am having an affair me: *handing menu back to waiter* I'll have the affair as well
14.
[Funeral] Me: "Do you mind if I say a word?" Widow: "Please do" Me *clears throat: "Plethora!" Widow: "Thank you. That means a lot."
15.
he protec he attac but most importantly he the snac that smile bac
16.
[me giving a tour of pillow factory] guy: "what do you fill the pillows with?" me: [spotting a family of ducks in tour group] "just stuff"
17.
Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat adding sage.
18.
*Tucks shirt in* "Goodnight, shirt."
19.
Me, absolutely twisted, coming home with a load of swords. Me waking up the next day with a room full of swords.
20.
What Names are Short For: Tom - Thomas Tim - Thimas Jon - Jonmas Phil - Philmas Dan - Danthaniel Rick - Ricktoria Bob - Bobmas OR Bobbert
21.
I fixed giraffes.