79 Embarrassing Thoughts Every Girl Has At The Sexual Health Clinic
HERE IT IS. HERE IS MY VAGINA.
1. WELL, I HAD SEX. Time for a check-up.
2. This is officially the longest, most drawn-out hangover I've ever had.
3. I wonder if he is in for the same thing today.
4. Urgh, all of this for a messy ten minutes of mediocre sex.
5. "Go all night", my arse.
6. Hopefully this won't take too long.
7. Christ, why are there so many people in here?!
8. Nobody's looking anyone in the eye, this is terrible.
9. Let's have a look at this form.
10. "What service do I need today?" I think the main thing I need is Jesus, to be honest.
11. Shit, isn't that the girl from school who pissed herself in assembly?
12. AVOID EYE CONTACT.
13. Fuck, she's seen me. She's waving.
14. Better wave back.
15. Oh my god, are people going to think we actually PLANNED to meet here?!
16. It's bad enough she's bloody seen me, if she sits next to me I'll melt into a puddle of embarrassment.
17. I'm gonna have to move country.
18. A reunion over a vagina consultation, I can't think of anything worse.
19. Look down, look down. Keep looking down.
20. Fuck it, there's nothing to be embarrassed about. Sex is natural! This is NORMAL. I'm a strong, empowered, sexually active woman and I am PROUD.
21. I reckon if I repeat that to myself a couple more times I'll be good.
22. Christ, it is so silent.
23. I wonder what everyone would do if I suddenly shouted "CHLAMYDIA"
24. Ha, that's funny.
25. Okay, try and occupy yourself. Get your phone out.
26. Peruse your various timelines. Let the people know you have a life outside of this clinic.
27. Flick through a magazine or two.
28. All these magazines are from 2013. Fabulous.
29. Nothing like some throwback make-up tips to get me in the mood for a fanny check.
30. Eurgh, that was gross.
31. No, nothing to be embarrassed about. I'm a free, sexually active woman and PROUD, DAMMIT.
32. I wonder what everyone's here for.
33. I wonder what everyone thinks I'M here for.
34. She thinks I've got herpes, I can tell by the way she keeps glancing at me.
35. STOP JUDGING ME, OKAY?!
36. I AM A SEXUALLY LIBERATED INDIVIDUAL! IT'S 2015, PEOPLE.
37. It feels like I've been here years.
38. *checks phone* Fuck, it's been 10 minutes.
39. God? Heyyy buddy. I promise next time I'll be more careful if you get me out of here ASAP.
40. The girls next to me are whispering about their boyfriends.
41. Except it's dead silent in here, so they're basically shouting.
42. Now everyone knows that Henry's being a right prick.
43. God, what a wanker. I feel you, girl.
44. Just think, in a few moments I'll be spread eagle for a nurse I've never met, so nice knowing you, dignity.
45. WHEN WILL IT BE MY TURN?
46. This tops it for most awkward experience of my life.
47. Okay, that's an exaggeration, there was that one time when I-
48. STOP THINKING ABOUT THAT.
49. Didn't that guy come in after me? Why is he being seen first?
50. There's a really distinctive smell of embarrassment in here. Seems to also be seasoned with a lovely aroma of shame and marinated in a thick sauce of regret, so that's just fucking great.
51. All a part of this totally non-humiliating experience. Who's embarrassed here? 'Cause I'm definitely not.
52. Ah, it's finally my turn.
53. BYE, MOTHERFUCKERS!
54. Urgh, more questions.
55. Bit personal.
56. I guess she is about to see my hoo-ha.
57. Oh my god, she has to weigh me.
59. Can't I just tell her what I roughly think my weight is from when I last weighed myself 4 months ago?
60. I knew I should never have eaten such a big breakfast this morning.
61. At least 7 pounds of that number is breakfast weight.
62. And water weight.
63. And "my clothes are really fucking heavy" weight.
64. Can we just get this over and done with?
65. Just dawned on me that I haven't actually shaved *down there* in a while.
66. I'll just warn the nurse, so she knows. It's only right.
67. Yes, I know you've seen a lot of vaginas, but you haven't seen MY vagina.
68. Right, well, I guess this is it.
69. If I take my jeans off slowly enough and hum the tune to "You can leave your hat on" this could almost be like a sexy burlesque show instead of an awkward reveal of my pubes.
70. HERE IT IS. HERE IS MY VAGINA.
71. Hmph, that was less exciting than I thought it would be. She didn't even flinch.
72. What are those weird looking cotton buds? She's going to stick those INSIDE my vagina? IS IT TOO LATE TO CHANGE MY MIND?
73. Okay, that's an interesting feeling.
74. Think about something else. Beds. Kettles. Irons. Wait, did I leave the iron on? Right, so it doesn't matter if I've ruined my life here because I've burned my house down.
75. I can't afford the rent anyway to be honest, so maybe it's for the best.
76. Is it over? Did I do it?
77. YES. THANK YOU, LORD.
78. All I have to do is stave off my anxiety for the next few days while I wait for the results. Easy!
79. Well done, me. Another successful day of adulting complete.