47 Fucking Awkward Things That Happen In Every Office
Stretching your feet out under your desk and then accidentally playing footsie with your coworker.
1. Being asked to show a new person round and realising you don’t know half the people’s names in the office.
2. Being asked to put in money for a leaving present and only having 26p to contribute.
3. And really over exaggerating the movement when you’re putting the money in so it sounds like you just deposited £50 worth of coins.
4. Singing happy birthday to a colleague whose name you don't actually know and so having to go "Happy birthday to nerr neerr".
5. Stretching your feet out under your desk and then accidentally playing footsie with your co-worker.
6. Leaving work at the same time as a colleague you don't know very well and having to make small talk.
7. And then having to take a completely different and long route home just to avoid walking to the same station as them.
8. Pretending to understand something complicated someone has said in a meeting and then being asked by a colleague to explain it.
9. Having small talk every day with that one person whose name or job you never bothered to learn.
10. And then forever referring to them as "wotshisface" from "IT or something".
11. Being told to go see Steve in Accounting and having no idea who Steve is or what he looks like.
12. Finally finding Steve and realising he is actually "wotshisface" from "IT or something".
13. Going into a packed meeting, sitting down, pouring yourself a cup of tea, and then realising you're in the completely wrong meeting.
14. Having to stay in that meeting for a full ten minutes before you pluck up the courage to leave.
15. Bumping into someone from senior management and then feeling so nervous that you ask them how their weekend was even though it's Friday.
16. Secretly microwaving something proper eggy or fishy and then joining in with everyone when they say "Oh my god who did that??"
17. Going on a company away day and seeing your CEO in "day" clothes i.e. tropical shorts that are a little bit too short.
18. Having to search or do something on your computer when someone’s hovering over you and suddenly forgetting how to type.
19. Not knowing how to use the printer or scanner but refusing to ask anyone for help so you spend ten minutes pressing random buttons and whispering to yourself "You can do this".
20. Whenever someones uses work-jargon like "sweet spot" or "thought shower" in an non-ironic way.
21. Having to give a fun fact about yourself that you know very well isn't fun (like the fact that you are one-quarter Scottish) and hearing everyone clap awkwardly.
22. Writing “Happy Birthday!” in a leaving card.
23. Writing “Sorry you’re leaving” in a birthday card.
24. Having to write in a card for someone you barely know and writing something really vague and shit like “HBD”.
25. Seeing your manager outside of work and having to crouch behind a bin.
26. Having your co-worker follow you into the toilet when you need to do a massive shit and being hyper aware that they’re about to hear you pooing.
27. Hearing the plop plop of a co-worker’s poo and never being able to look at them in the same way.
28. Making eye contact with your co-worker in the mirror after you’ve both heard each other shit.
29. Doing a massive stinky shit, and then your coworker going in the exact same toilet you just came out of.
30. Gossiping with your work BFF about a co-worker and having them walk in at the exact moment you’re about to say their name.
31. And feeling paranoid for next 48 hours that they definitely heard you.
32. Farting at the exact moment your co-worker decides to come to your desk.
33. Awkwardly realising you’ve eaten someone’s food out of the fridge after receiving an email with the subject line “Who stole my food out the fridge?”
34. Chewing on a pen and realising you just borrowed it from your co-worker.
35. Seeing your co-worker chewing on your pen and coming to terms with the fact you can never use it again.
36. Spotting something on your co-worker’s desk that definitely came from your desk and silently plotting about how best to accuse them of being a thief.
37. Having a full blown conversation with your co-worker before realising they have headphones on.
38. Seeing your favourite mug on someone else’s desk and having to pretend you’re not incredibly irritated about it.
39. Asking a question in a meeting that’s just been asked and making it really fucking obvious that you haven’t been listening.
40. Being caught looking at your co-worker’s computer screen.
41. Accidentally clicking “reply all” to an email.
42. Wondering why several of your co-workers keep throwing you dagger looks and realising your phone’s been on loud the whole time.
43. Being caught in the kitchen with a chatty co-worker and only being able to think about the fact your tea’s getting cold.
44. Inviting coworkers to your birthday just to be polite and them actually turning up.
45. Undoing your top button after lunch and then unknowingly walking around the office with half of your belly out.
46. Sitting in silence after the phrase “are there any questions?”
47. And resisting the urge to throttle the one co-worker that actually has one.