If you haven't heard by now, DJ Khaled has kindly been teaching us all the keys to more success via the medium of Snapchat.
He also took some time out from teaching to get lost at sea on a jet ski because why the fuck not?
His inspirational lessons have even earned him the key emoji by his username, just to make it official.
Having studied his Snapchats intently, and in a desperate attempt to find the true key to success, I decided to live according to DJ Khaled for the day to see how truly successful I'd actually become.
I chose to only live by the pieces of advice he identified as true "keys" (by name or emoji), unless they were ~super profound~, and these amounted to a grand total of 10.
1. Have a lot of pillows.
2. A clean heart and a clean face.
3. Listerine.
4. Dove deodorant.
5. Green apples.
6. "Coco" butter.
7. Opening doors that close on you.
8. Naming your plants.
9. Getting a manicure.
10. Riding on a jet ski, (but trying to avoid subsequently getting lost at sea.)
So in true Khaled fashion, I recorded everything on my Snapchat story (to the confusion of all my friends), and made a note of how successful or unsuccessful each deed made me feel.
1. A lot of pillows.
I usually sleep with one pillow, so sleeping with an abundance of pillows and being crushed by my own pillow fort was not the sort of success I was anticipating. I didn't feel well rested and ready for a day of getting money, I felt hot and annoyed. Fuck those pillows.
Success rating: -2 out of 10.
2. Clean heart and clean face.
As various other hygiene enthusiasts would agree, washing your face is a great start to the day. It's especially good for waking you up after a terrible sleep being suffocated by too many pillows. Thanks a lot, Khaled. Cleaning my face was definitely a step towards success. I felt revitalised and not dirty. Fabulous.
Success rating: 5 out of 10.
3. Listerine.
I was starting to feel like these keys were less about success and more about good hygiene, but I went with it. I hoped the sensation of extreme burning I felt while gargling with the Listerine would culminate in some incredible epiphany where I discovered the meaning of life, but it just ended up in me having a sore tongue. Perhaps I needed to be topless for it to work? I guess we'll never know.
Success rating: 1 out of 10.
4. Dove deodorant.
More hygiene. Yes. In the UK we mainly use spray or roll-on deodorant, but I decided to go "authentically Khaled" and purchase the stick version instead. Stick deodorants, I discovered, are shit, and barely do anything to freshen you up because they just feel as though you're rubbing a dry bar of soap under your armpit. After an hour, I sadly had to top up with some spray deodorant because I didn't feel ~protected~ enough. It was still Dove though, so I guess that still counts.
Success rating: 3 out of 10. Unless the key to success is actually BO, in which case, 7.
Unfortunately, four keys into my journey to more success, disaster struck. I was so focused on perfecting DJ Khaled's complex morning routine and agonising over fucking Listerine that I was late for work.
Fucking hell, Khaled, what sort of success am I getting if I'm fired? Right now my success feels like it's at an all-time low.
5. Green apples.
Khaled really emphasises the importance of these, and I didn't want to fuck this up, so in the morning I bought six green apples and put them on my desk so they'd be in my eyeline at all times. Desperate to gain the key to success (since my morning had been a shit show so far), I started going at them hard, eating apple after apple until I genuinely felt like I was going to puke.
By the end of the day, I think I'd eaten about four or five apples. Everyone I told about this responded with a serious look of concern. Someone even muttered something about poisoning. This is something Khaled didn't mention in his Snapchat – imminent death. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.
Success rating: Depends very much on whether all those apples actually do kill me.
6. Cocoa butter.
I was brought up moisturising and smelling fabulous, so I've actually been using cocoa butter for as long as I can remember. In order not to let this key go to waste, I decided to do the honourable thing and offer it to a not-so-fortunate colleague who could be in need of some lotion. This way, everybody wins, I thought, and my colleague did mention that it smelled delightful. Job well done on my part. Definite feeling of success there.
Success rating: 8.
7. Opening doors that close on you.
Metaphorically, this is a good piece of advice and I appreciate Khaled for encouraging people to overcome adversity. In real life, however, what this key looks like is standing outside your office building, waiting for someone to close the door on you, and then opening it for yourself. We all open doors every day, BUT perhaps that is the ~true~ message here. Deep.
Success rating: I have no clue.
8. Naming your plants.
I don't own any plants myself, so I had to get a bit creative – and name other people's plants instead. I think Khaled may be on to something here because as soon as I named a plant, I felt like I had an instant connection with it. Like Big and Lil Poppa were mine. It didn't really make me feel more successful, but it did make me feel important and as if I wanted to name all things in my possession "Big Poppa" for years to come.
Success rating: 4 out of 10.
9. A manicure.
I strongly agree with Khaled that a great manicure is a key to more success, but unfortunately my current status as a regular-ass human being meant I didn't have "success money" to go out and get one. Instead, I asked a colleague to do my nails for me, and I actually did feel more successful! There's something about getting someone else to do your handiwork that triggers a real sense of achievement. It was fab and my nails were glorious.
Success rating: 9 out of 10.
10. Riding on jet skis (but not getting lost).
For some grossly unjust reason, I do not own a jet ski, so unfortunately I had to improvise with a ferry trip on the River Thames. Sure, the Thames, a river basically known for its unique ability to look shit brown instead of blue, is not a glorious sea, but it was good enough for my budget. Of course, I had to bring along my trusty (fourth) apple for the ride, and with the wind in my hair, I truly felt a wave of success wash over me.
Until it got too fucking windy to cope.
And despite my best efforts, much like DJ Khaled, I actually did get a bit lost.
To say I'm horrendously shit at directions is an understatement. If I take one turn I don't recognise, I am immediately lost. I'd planned to get the boat to Westminster and boarded with the confidence that I'd planned sufficiently to make it to my destination. After a few selfies, I casually thought to check with the attendant that the next stop was in fact Westminster and she told me no. Confused, I asked why not, and she said: "We were never stopping at Westminster." Perfect. By the time I'd hurriedly gotten off and realised I didn't actually know where I was, the boat had left me for dead. Success if ever I've seen it.
Success rating: -10 out of 10. Also, fuck boats.
Overall, reaction to my journey to more success was pretty damn positive, if a little confused.
In terms of my own feelings of success, I felt more exhausted than anything else.
It takes quite a bit of effort to vigorously apply cocoa butter, ride around on jet skis, inundate yourself with apples, and then record every bit of it. I don't necessarily feel like I have become more successful, but I've definitely gained some insight into how the successful live, and if this is it, I'm cool being average. The key things I will take away from this experience, however, are never to eat more than two apples in one sitting, get manicures as often as possible, and stay away from boats at all costs.
Thanks a lot, DJ Khaled! I owe you one.
