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    How To Fix The Gender Pay Gap

    New research shows that women in the UK are still paid 18% less than men. Here's what you can do to help close that gap!

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    Are you a business owner concerned about new reports about unequal pay between men and women in the UK? You may be wondering what you can do to help. Good for you!

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    Perhaps you've read that British women are paid 18% less than men on average, and that male managers are more likely to be promoted than female ones. It's all so sad and inexplicable! But you can help fix it.

    The first step is to deny any wrongdoing. Whatever you do, do not, in any way, admit to sexism. Your company isn’t sexist – you’re married to a woman, for goodness sake.

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    Instead, admit that there may have been some sort of oversight when it comes to pay distribution. Use lots of vague words that don’t necessarily accept responsibility like “coincidence” and “qualifications” and “unfortunate reality”.

    We know, we know. It’s hard to explain to an emotional woman like, say, Helen, why Steve gets paid so much more than her to do the exact same job! But whatever you do, don't give in to Helen's shrill cries.

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    It’s hard to put into words what it is about Steve's special something that’s worth an extra £15k, but you know it's justified. God, Steve reminds you so much of yourself at that age. A brilliant young man.

    Anyway, you still have a gap to fix! Instead of paying Helen more, consider giving Steve such an enormous promotion that it can retroactively justify his massively out-of-proportion salary.

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    Helen won’t suspect a thing.

    Next, get a group of your finest minds together to discuss the gender pay gap problem and how to fix it.

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    Consider inviting a woman – but remember, they're probably too emotionally involved in the issue to offer a cool, rational, outsider's perspective. Besides, it's not your fault your company's finest minds all happen to be men!

    Now, you may have noticed that men are much braver than women, and are therefore more willing to ask you for things like money in compensation for the work that they do.

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    Boys will be boys!

    This isn't a barrier to fixing the pay gap, it's a solution! Just tell the women in your office to be more like men. Then, if a woman asks for a promotion congratulate her publicly for her Erin Brockovich-esque qualities!

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    This doesn’t mean you actually need to give her the pay rise; she may simply not have the skills or the je ne sais quoi to deserve a promotion.

    But, if you loudly praise her for being bold, it will signal to other women in the office that it's not YOUR fault that they are paid less than men – it's their own fault for not being more Erin-Brockovich-y!

    If you are made uncomfortable by women asking you for things, you could always have Shirley be the one to deal with all the other women and their women problems. Don't worry that it's not in her job description, and don't worry about paying her any more for the task!

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    Shirley won't mind, she loves a natter.

    If all these tactics to empower your employees don't work, of course, you may have to consider giving some women actual raises.

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    Women are so emotional.

    But how can you figure out whether a woman is as deserving of a raise as, say, a man? Well, one trick for fairly assessing a woman's work is to close your eyes and pretend you are talking to a man.

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    See, that way, you'll know that you're talking to a human being, whose work you can fairly assess and who you understand is an invaluable contribution to your company. Like Steve.

    Of course, maybe you've tried all of these steps to close the pay gap and decided at the end of it that you either can't afford or can't be bothered to close the pay gap.

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    At least you tried, eh? That's more than a lot of places would – so at least nobody can accuse you of not being a good, supportive company for female employees!

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