Are you a business owner concerned about new reports about unequal pay between men and women in the UK? You may be wondering what you can do to help. Good for you!
The first step is to deny any wrongdoing. Whatever you do, do not, in any way, admit to sexism. Your company isn’t sexist – you’re married to a woman, for goodness sake.
We know, we know. It’s hard to explain to an emotional woman like, say, Helen, why Steve gets paid so much more than her to do the exact same job! But whatever you do, don't give in to Helen's shrill cries.
Anyway, you still have a gap to fix! Instead of paying Helen more, consider giving Steve such an enormous promotion that it can retroactively justify his massively out-of-proportion salary.
Next, get a group of your finest minds together to discuss the gender pay gap problem and how to fix it.
Now, you may have noticed that men are much braver than women, and are therefore more willing to ask you for things like money in compensation for the work that they do.
This isn't a barrier to fixing the pay gap, it's a solution! Just tell the women in your office to be more like men. Then, if a woman asks for a promotion congratulate her publicly for her Erin Brockovich-esque qualities!
If you are made uncomfortable by women asking you for things, you could always have Shirley be the one to deal with all the other women and their women problems. Don't worry that it's not in her job description, and don't worry about paying her any more for the task!
If all these tactics to empower your employees don't work, of course, you may have to consider giving some women actual raises.
But how can you figure out whether a woman is as deserving of a raise as, say, a man? Well, one trick for fairly assessing a woman's work is to close your eyes and pretend you are talking to a man.
Of course, maybe you've tried all of these steps to close the pay gap and decided at the end of it that you either can't afford or can't be bothered to close the pay gap.
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