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Guys, I Hate To Break It To You, But Milk Is Shit

Hear me out. It is terrible.

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Hey, hi, hello. I know this is a bit out of the blue, but we need to have a super quick discussion about this "drink" we call MILK.

Other names include "devil's nectar", "creamy dishwater", and "cow seepage".
Bananastock / Thinkstock

Other names include "devil's nectar", "creamy dishwater", and "cow seepage".

“What about milk?” I hear you ask. "It’s good for you. It’s full of calcium. It’s delicious.” WRONG.

DreamWorks Pictures

Milk is fucking terrible, friends. Absolutely terrible. But let's discuss why, shall we?

Firstly, milk has a consistency that has no idea what the fuck it's doing.

It sits awkwardly between water and juice, which makes absolutely no sense and is fucking stupid.
Twitter: @TherpDerp

It sits awkwardly between water and juice, which makes absolutely no sense and is fucking stupid.

Plus there are several different types of milk for absolutely no reason.

And people actually have arguments about which is best, when clearly the best milk is NO MILK AT ALL.
tesco.com / BuzzFeed

And people actually have arguments about which is best, when clearly the best milk is NO MILK AT ALL.

Everything milk touches turns to shit, particularly cereal, which has a life expectancy of about 30 seconds once it's ruined by milk's overwhelmingly rubbish presence.

And speaking of life expectancy, milk's isn't that great.

The only semi-decent way to consume milk is to have it in tea, and even then people fucking ruin it by making it THIS COLOUR.

Thanks a lot, milk. Thanks a fucking lot.
Twitter: @1TD

Thanks a lot, milk. Thanks a fucking lot.

And if your hot drink isn't ruined by milky overkill, it's ruined by the gross little bits that are left in your drink.

Milk has a tendency to cling to moustache hairs like a meek, desperate lover and there is never a time when that doesn't look gross.

Fox

Milk moustaches are not and have never been cute.

And milk and cookies is probably the reason Santa doesn't exist.

Because there's no man alive who would actually reward such an awful combination with a fuckload of gifts.
Twitter: @_crybaby08

Because there's no man alive who would actually reward such an awful combination with a fuckload of gifts.

People who shamelessly drink glasses of milk on their own? Don't trust them.

Thinkstock / BuzzFeed

And before you start with the whole "What about cheese? What about chocolate? They're made with milk!" Well of COURSE, any food that masks the taste of milk completely is wonderful.

Thinkstock / BuzzFeed

But milk on its own? Absolutely not.

Don't get me wrong, I know many of us have indulged in our fair share of boob milk when we were too young to know any better.

Capitol

"But weren't you breastfed?" is not a good enough justification for having to tolerate milk. It may be ~natural~, but it tastes like shit.

And it's got nothing to do with the whole "white liquid from an animal's udder" situation.

FOX

Although when you put it like that, it does sound pretty gross.

It's that for those of us who have broken free from our milky oppression, we've just come to understand that milk is just a generally awful and trash drink.

It looks, smells, and tastes like shit.
Twitter: @GledhillToby

It looks, smells, and tastes like shit.

So, if YOU hate milk, do not stand by and allow yourself to be alienated by milk-drinking heathens.

ET

Milk is bad, and it always will be.

The end.
NBC

The end.