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34 Tweets You Probably Won’t Want To Laugh At, But Definitely Will

"Yes, we are a highly diverse company. Susan in accounts is a goth."

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1.

Felt cute in this pic might delete soon tho

2.

"Do you have any bird houses I could have sex with?" "Sir, we only have bird houses you can have sex with."

3.

yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth

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4.

Young man There are frogs all around I said Young man Keep those frogs off the ground

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i'm here to pickup your daughter

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[loudly so the police officers behind me in the McDonald's line can hear] Me: god I fucken hate crime

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NO ONE UNDERSTANDS HOW FUNNY THIS IS TO ME

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9.

it's sad how many traditions we let die

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You already know what the fuck is going on

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lol i'd never checked out LMFAO's full discography before

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Cracking open a cold and broken hallelujah with the boys

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14.

bros, y'all letting ur girl go out lookin like this?

15.

jazz is my life...this is my music

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Hey it's your uber driver am outside

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I overheard a guy saying to his girlfriend "are you ready to fucking rage" as they walked into target together and that's what I want

21.

"So I should just sit down here while you paint my por - oh you're done"

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I’ve been laughing at this for like ten minutes please send help

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24.

[plant facts!!] bananas are technically berries almonds are seeds avocados are mammals most cucumbers are haunted potatoes aren't even real

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BELLE: There goes the baker with his tray like always BAKER: well there goes Belle, singing her DAILY MEAN SONG about us

27.

My mom was told to give me a half up half down hairstyle. She didnt know what that meant so she did this..

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and im falling asleep and she calling a cab while he's having a smoke and hes also a crab

31.

the smaller the battery the bigger it screm

32.

This gorilla looks like he wants pictures of Spiderman on his desk by noon

33.

my hands look like this, so hers can look like this

34.

tfw you want the minister of fisheries and oceans to review your snow crab proposal

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