1. Why are you on my face?
2. I haven’t seen you in two weeks, how are you still eating the food I put out?
3. I wonder if you actually think the TV is a threat.
4. Why is your belly so much softer than the rest of you?
5. Do you think my outfit is cool? No, you don’t care.
6. How can you be hungry, you just ate.
7. Do you even like me a little?
8. Aw, you’re batting at my face… wait, where have those paws been?
9. Why do you smell like popcorn?
10. No, stop licking me.
11. Seriously there is no way you make that fridge-jump this time.
12. Those eyes.
13. How did you get in there?
14. You are DEFINITELY smarter than the average cat [as cat gets stuck in plastic bag].
15. Look at me!
16. NO SERIOUSLY LOOK AT ME!
17. Why won’t you look at me????
18. You’re looking! [Instagrams]
19. You look lonely, should I get you a friend?
20. But what if you fight?
21. [Googles “how many cats is too many cats”]
22. Why are your paws like little hammers?
23. Why are you wailing, nothing is happening?
24. All you do is sleep and clean yourself, why do you smell so bad?
25. How are you not bald, there is so much fur on the ground.
26. There is so much fur on my bed.
27. There is so much fur on my clothes.
28. I am literally living in a house of fur, with fur drapes and fur carpet.
29. But you are SO CUTE.
30. Why won’t you eat the lower third of your bowl of food?
31. What’s wrong with the water in your water bowl?
32. I would not drink the water in your bowl.
33. Oh my God I forgot to refill the water in your bowl.
34. You hate me, don’t you?
35. How do you tuck your paws so neatly underneath your body like that?
36. Do something cute, I want you to be famous.
38. I want to be famous.
39. [Checks Instagram from earlier] ONLY FIVE HEARTS???
40. Don’t give me that look.
41. I wish you didn’t love chewing wires so much.
42. Why are you making that noise?
43. Whoa, how are you making that noise?
44. You sound like a Ferrari.
45. Wait, no, a PURR-rari.
46. We should be famous.
47. You live under the bed. What’s under there?
48. How do you even fit under there?
49. I hope I don’t crush you while I’m sleeping.
50. Are you under the bed right now?
51. Yup, there you are with those Gollum eyes.
52. This movie is pretty lonely, I wish you would jump on my lap.
53. Ugh, you’re so warm, I wish you would get off my lap.
54. Seriously why do you claw me when you’re happy?
55. How could anyone declaw their cat, it’s indecent.
56. OK maybe I should get those suckers trimmed, just a little.
57. What do you do when I’m not home?
58. How is it possible to sleep so much?
59. You always know the perfect spot to nap in the sun.
60. You always know the worst possible spot to throw up.
61. I can’t tell if you like this song.
62. Yawn once if you like this song.
63. THIS IS OUR SONG NOW.
64. I wonder if you really love me.
65. Still not sure why you rub up against my leg, but I like it?
66. You can totally jump higher than any other cat, like, ever.
67. How did you figure out you were supposed to use the litter box?
68. I’m so glad you clean yourself.
69. How does that work, exactly?
70. You know what, forget it. I don’t want to understand.
71. Maybe I’ll pet you later.
72. Stop crying!
73. Why is your fur sticking up like that?
74. Why is your tongue so dry? Is that normal?
75. Maybe we better get you checked out, buddy.
76. I literally have no clue how to get you into this cage for transport.
77. WHY ARE YOU BITING ME? I’M TRYING TO HELP YOU.
78. Dogs love cars, why can’t you just get on board?
79. It’s going to be OK, just let me rub your ears.
80. It’s kind of lonely when you’re not around.
81. Can’t believe I bought you that bed, you’ve never used it.
82. You usually just sleep in a curl next to me, purrari-style.
83. You’re not under the bed, where are you?
84. Remember when you fit in the palm of my hand?
85. I wonder if your mom misses you.
86. Is it weird if I frame this picture of us? In tiny hats?
87. I promise never to try to put a tiny hat on you again.
88. Maybe just one more time.