World’s Greatest/Grossest Police Report, Part 2

Noah Smith was arrested in South Carolina on November 6th for assault, burglary and indecent exposure. Below are excerpts of the police report detailing the arrest, presented without comment or grammatical edits. WARNING: If you’re squeamish about cute animals meeting horrible ends (foreshadowing), do not proceed.

  • Officer responded to Bernwood Circle in regards to a male subject entering the residence of another with no consent to do so...

  • Doorway of the residence was open to the residence and officer could visibly see a male subject lying nude face down just inside the doorway.

  • Male subject without saying anything stood up and rushed officer. Male subject struck Deputy Owens in the upper cheek on the left side believed to be open handed.

  • Subject kicked officers several times in attempt to evade arrest. Officer advised subject verbally he would be sprayed if he did not comply.

  • Subject was as if a hallucinate state. Subject control spray nor taser had a noticeable affect on male subject.

  • Officers delivered several strikes to subjects common peronials as well as his median and radial nerves on his arms. Subject once on the ground...attempted to bite deputy Underwood.

  • EMS hog tied male subject to the stretcher and transported subject to the hospital for medical exam.

  • The subject was most likely under the influence of mushrooms.

  • Male subject once inside the emergency department physician noticed a mouse could hanging from male subjects rectum.

  • X-Rays shown part of the mouse was lodged in the male subjects rectum.

  • Subject advised physicians that he did not recall what happened...

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