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"A Christmas Story" As Told By Someone Who's Never Seen It

What's up with the pink bunny costume?

Ralphie is a little boy that exists, and who is feeling some intense anxiety due to the Christmas season.

It's probably because his parents gifted him this ridiculous bunny costume, which would make anyone more than a little uneasy.

This is Ralphie's cozy abode; looks like he either lives in the middle of America or in a suburb of Chicago.

Wherever he lives, it's cold as snowballs because Ralphie's sidekick (or brother) is rocking a full on face scarf.

As evident by the bunny costume, Ralphie's parents don't seem to understand him and his father is a hard ass.

This makes Ralphie slightly angry, leading him to spew out some snarky one liners to show his parents who's boss.

He becomes tired of the whole sucky situation, and starts lashing out in some pretty harsh ways.

Ralphie even starts picking on little kids who have absolutely nothing to do with his Christmas frustrations.

The only kid more evil than Ralphie is this guy, who's either his worst enemy or his best friend.

Not approving of his outlandish shenanigans, mom becomes livid and gives Ralphie the soap treatment.

Ralphie hides in the cupboard because enough is enough, and he's sick of this shit. When will the world understand him?

In a turn of events, Ralphie heads to the local mall in search of someone who can help him through these troubling times.

He ascends this fake snowy mountain to sit on Santa's lap and confess all that's been happening.

But Santa doesn't get it. Santa is just as clueless as Ralphie's parents, if not more.

As a consolation prize for well, nothing... Santa throws Ralphie down a slide.

Much to Ralphie's surprise, this is the wake up call he needs to get his attitude together and stop being a grinch.

Lessons are now learned: when life gives you lemons, chill out and think about all the good things that make you smile.

Also, snail mail always has and always will make people feel warm and fuzzy on the inside.

And dares are the most terrifying thing ever.

Most importantly, you attract more friends with honey than you do a BB gun.

And above all, even though your family may not understand you 100% of the time, they are still your family and this is still Christmas... So you know, be jolly!