Running: You’re Doing It Wrong

On the sixth day, God created man and implanted within his very being the capacity to run. Initially, this ability was intended for Adam and Eve to flee from lions and those creepy sidewinder snakes after being cast out of the Garden of Eden. In time, however, mankind would further fall into the trenches of stupidity, feeling it necessary to classify running as a “hobby.” Many have even gone as far to deem the soft torture method “fun.” Such is the case with nearly everything, when it comes to anaerobic training, there’s both a way to do it right and wrong.

Topless Running Isn’t for Everyone

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Listen, each and every one of us would love to qualify for our community’s Firefighter calendar. That being said, most of us would do best to dress in a parka 11 months a year. When considering training topless, think of the women and children, then put your shirt back on.

Bloody Nipple Erections Aren’t Considered Badges of Honor

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Extreme scars, rugged black eyes, and gnarly muscle tears are manly in nature. Bloody nipples, unfortunately, are directly on par with dainty paper cuts and frilly hangnails. Would a tampon be appropriate for this kind of bleeding?

Trouble with Basketball Shorts

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True runners aren’t afraid to show a little thigh while trotting about town. If you’re out jogging with basketball shorts on, there’s a good chance that you’re also wearing a wife beater tank top. Cute girls in sports bras don’t find this attractive and would be wise to invest in a rape whistle.

Barefoot Running is for Hippies and Potheads

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Are you currently baked, blazed, chonged, fried, toasted, or gibbled? If you are, or know what any of these terms actually means, then you’ve got the green light to run barefoot. Also, if you haven’t bathed in a four or five days, you’re probably in the clear.

Taco Bell’s Value Menu Isn’t the Smart Choice of Champions

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There’s something about a Beefy Fritos Burrito from Taco Bell that causes a nightmare filled with projectile diarrhea to become a reality out on the ol’ running trail. Better pass on fast food before starting your new training routine.

Nike Running Shoes are for Newbs

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Overall, Nike is an industry leader in sporting goods manufacturing; however, the company’s running line is as weak as weak can be. There’s something about small Pakistani fingers that’s not qualified for making high-quality running shoes. Fortunately, the groundbreaking company has contracted an unblemished individual like Lance Armstrong to promote their gear.

MP3 Motivation

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We’re living in the year 2014. Hearing loss isn’t as cool as it once was. Contrary to what you might believe, your fellow runners might not be as into Ke$ha as you think. Keep the tune volume to a minimum, por favor.

Warming Up or Cooling Down with an Energy Drink

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These are horrible for you. Runners don’t believe in doing things that hurt their body. Just ask Steve Prefontaine. If you can’t resist the urge to gargle down a Red Bull before breakfast, lunch and dinner, go grab a 250cc motocross bike and being training for a new sport.

Lucas Miller writes for Mettis. He is a writer at Fusion 360, an advertising agency in Utah.