1. When you are home alone and you hear a slight noise: "Ted Bundy, is that you??"
2. When your hair sheds like a Wookie, and you've contemplated how you would never be able to commit a crime because DNA would be EVERYWHERE.
3. When you are meeting a date and he or she is running late: "Minus 20 points for Gryffindor!"
4. When squirrels and deer keep jumping out in front of your car and you wonder whether the woodland critters have made some sort of suicide pact.
5. When a friend tells you that they don't watch a show you love, and you start to sound like an infomercial: "This show is great. You can watch it on Netflix, do you have Netflix?...for only $10 a month, you can get unlimited access to the sh*t I love! But wait...there's more...subscribe now and we can live text each other about the show tonight!"
6. When you order the biggest size of clothing from a website that you didn't realize was located in Asia and when you get the item you have to give it to a toddler or relocate your American Girl doll. You contemplate eating only celery for a month. You play "Baby Got Back" on repeat until you can embrace your western curves again.
7. When you really can't stand someone, so you create super creative insulting names for them, that you only share with your very best friend or laugh to yourself about. (General C*ntingham, C*nt Pow Chicken, Crayyberry-C*ntmuffin)
8. When you wonder whether your horoscope sign is a valid excuse for poor behavior: "Jesus, I don't know where I want to eat! I'm a Libra...you know this! I'm especially indecisive today, Mars is it's fifth position and Venus told me it didn't want to talk to me anymore!"
9. When the person next to you is staring at you because you are singing in your car, but you don't care... you are basically Queen Bey. You know how you sound in the shower, and you're confident in your abilities. They are just peanut butter and jealous.
10. When you send an email or text to someone, and they never respond, so you contemplate whether they are just really busy or completely hate you and wish you were never born. You re-read your message over and over again, until you can basically recite it at a school play if you had to. Did I come on too strong? Why won't you love me?!!
11. When you see a baby animal and you realize that you could never love anything more in your life...until you see another baby animal. You watch animal shows like it's the home shopping network: "I wan't a baby Panda.... I wan't a Slow Loris... I wan't a baby Elephant... ADD TO CART."
12. When you contemplate whether going to work is actually necessary. You heard about moving off the grid, but your not even sure what "the grid" is and you would probably need your phone to get there... "Siri, where is the grid and how do I get off it?"
13. When you use dating sites and you bet your friend how many texts until the next unsolicited d*ck pic. You thought about turning this into a board game like 90's "Girl Talk" ...only with an iphone... and when the guys say, "Guess who I am!"...it's mostly based on a picture of their junk. #2017GirlTalk
14. When your grandmother keeps asking when you are going to meet a nice boy and you thought about bringing one of those "Real Sex Dolls" to the next family gathering and introducing him to everyone... It worked in 'Lars and the Real Girl.'
15. When you plan on starting your diet but then everything seems to be against you: Your coworker brings in cookies, and three ice cream trucks magically break down outside of work and have requested that you help them consume everything in order for it not to go to waste. Eating is your super power, and the world needs you.
16. When someone says key words like "work" and you start singing Rihanna lyrics..."Work work work work work.... *not understandable part*....work work work work work..." Or, "Stop" ....Collaborate and listen?
17. When you go to get your eyebrows waxed and the women is like, "lip too?" ...and you start to feel worried that your face might look like Chewbacca. You reassure yourself that she just wants extra money...but then get home and use a magnifying mirror to inspect yourself. Facial hair is in, right?
18. When you only shave the part of your legs that you know is going to be seen. Like, who has time for the whole leg? When you have thick thighs, that is like having to circle the world and back. Also, the chances of not missing any hairs at all when shaving are slimmer than winning the lottery. You might as well pick up a ticket. When you own your own private Island...no one cares if you have hairy legs. You can like braid them with golden beads.
19. When you have a pet that you have better communication with than most people. Mr. Fuzzywigs understands that you totally deserved that promotion. When you told him about it, he licked his balls on your bed. You've convinced yourself this means he agrees. You are probably rights. He's so cute.
20. When there is that one person that seemingly has it all: good job, great looks, great partner... and you think they must have some dead bodies somewhere, right? Or maybe they are a reptilian? Yup, total reptilian.