Today I posted a photo of myself in a Tardis dress (Doctor Who's time machine for those of you who don't know). I thought it was funny that I was wearing it to work, ridiculous even. I joked about it with my boyfriend before I left the house, he said I looked cute. I thought it was silly but that day I just didn't give a fuck about looking professional.
I shared this moment of my life with my friends on social media. I don't know why we all need to post photos and snippets form our day but we do, I do, I like it, I like seeing what other people are up to, I like sharing small things that make me happy. I posted this photo and then went about my day as usual, some people at work laughed and complimented me on my ridiculous choice of attire.
Mid-morning I check my WeChat and scroll though the messages and heart notifications. I see a weird comment which I don't fully understand.
"Maybe that's insulting to people who struggle with their weight"
As a chubby girl, I am immediately put on edge by the mention of weight. I hadn't referenced my weight; I didn't know why he was. However, his meaning was unclear so I asked him to clarify. He sent me a private message, a voice message. As I listened, my heart began to hurt. This garbage human being, who I had met only once, had decided to let me know what he thought of my appearance. He had obviously never seen nor heard of Doctor Who and had taken the words on the front of the dress in a very strange way. "Police Public Call Box" is what the dress says.
"I was just saying, since you are a big girl, I don't know why you would want to buy a dress, or why they would make a fat girl dress, that advertises having a big box. I didn't mean anything by it, hahah, just that it's weird to draw attention to your box, as a big girl".
Of course I removed this person from my friends list but that wont fix it. This is just one instance in a lifetime of hurt thrown at me by people who feel the need to make me feel like shit. I am a very conscious and aware person, I hear everything, I see everything. Snide remarks, mockery, bitchiness, I have had it all.
There was the time I was dancing and having a great time at a bar with my friends only to see a table full of bros on the peripheral mocking us. With their arms in the air, chins pulled in, eyes crossed, laughing and pointing. How dare we have a good time, how dare we enjoy the cheesy 90s tunes and drink away the week in a joyous fashion.
A couple of years ago I was at a Grandmaster Flash show and happy to have made it to the front row, jazzed to see the OG in the flesh when my night (and week) was ruined by a girl behind me stating (much to the amusement of her friends), "I wish we could get closer but there is no way I'm getting past this huge ass, it's just so big".
There was that horrific time, when I was at an outdoor festival type event, talking to a friend when suddenly a guy had his phone in my face, like centimeters from my face. Confused, I put my hand up to move his phone only for him to say, "Cummon, let me get just one photo of them crazy teeth". Yeah, I have a natural space between my two front teeth and he thought he would just let me know that I shouldn't dare be out in public smiling and socializing.
One October I dressed up as Lady Gaga for Halloween. Stupid blonde hair bow, pointy things coming out of my boobs, just over-the-top silliness. Some dude asked me what I was and when I told him, he laughed and said, "That's optimistic. Maybe you should stick to costumes you can actually pull off with your size".
While out with a large group of people, we ended up with some random people moving in on our conversation and we entertained them, when suddenly a guy interrupted whatever I was ranting about with the charming interjection "God, you are too fat to be so confidant".
This is my life. I am not a really big woman. I am a 14 in US jeans. I buy size 16 dresses in Australian clothing stores. I am 182cm tall or almost 5 foot 10. I know I could be fitter and thinner and prettier and cuter, but I am who I am. I can hike or go for long walks or ride a bike, I am active and try to eat my veggies, I rarely eat fast food other than the occasional sausage McMuffin on hangover days. I am this size and this is my face but for some reason people don't like that. They want to make me feel ashamed for the way I am. My boyfriend of 5 years is amazing. He loves me unconditionally and tells me I am beautiful and sexy everyday. I am so lucky and happy to have him, and I love him too. But somehow, after a lifetime of hurtful comments, I just can't bring myself to believe him. I will always be fat and ugly. Even when I am not.