1. This looks like the most depressing game show ever.
2. And this looks like the character selection screen in a crap version of Mortal Kombat.
3. This is all quite slick. High production values. You guys obviously take this more seriously than we do in the UK.
4. You do realise the presidential election isn't for like five months, though?
5. This presenter has an interesting face. He looks like Cliff Richard crossed with a haunted tree.
6. Ooh, a sequence explaining all the rules. Yay, electoral process! Representative democracy! This stuff is like pornography for French people, isn't it?
7. Does Nathalie Kosciusko-Morizet remind anyone else of Tina Fey's impression of Sarah Palin? No? OK, just me then.
8. Oh, it's Sarkozy. I remember him. Is it time for a noughties revival already? Because I'm not ready to dress like an emo again.
9. Has anyone made a joke about Sarkozy being too short to see over the lectern yet?
10. [checks Twitter] Ah yes, I see they have.
11. Fillon has the most extraordinary eyebrows. He makes me think of Gordon Brown playing the role of a kindly cartoon bear.
12. Where does this guy sit on the political spectrum? Let me guess - way to the right? Way way to the right?
13. "Quelle indignité." I don't speak much French but even I can tell Sarkozy is pissed off with this line of questioning.
14. Wow. This is awkward.
15. Me, when someone asks me a question I don't want to answer:
16. Oh la la, Alain Juppé's voice is so soothing. And his head is so shiny.
17. He's weirdly magnetic. I have no idea what he's saying, but I'm into it. He's bossing this.
18. Then, at the opposite end of the spectrum, there's this guy, who's so dull it's like he doesn't even exist.
19. I'm looking straight at him and yet somehow I've already forgotten what he looks like. He's like right wing vapour.
20. The way French people pronounce Trump is so amazing. It's like eight different syllables.
21. "Le Brexit." I understood that.
22. Ah, I see we've reached the jabbing fingers and shouting about jihadism stage. That didn't take long. *Someone mentions "migratory flows" - DRINK!*
23. There's some pretty vicious side-eye going on here.
24. I'm getting real Margaret Thatcher vibes off Kosciusko-Morizet. Something about the way she tilts her head and drops her voice at moments of emphasis.
25. Oh, they have members of the public calling in with questions. That's nice. We don't do that in the UK.
26. They're talking about climate change. Wow. That literally never happened during the Clinton/Trump debates. Nice one, France.
27. Also, I can't be sure, but it doesn't sound like anyone is trying to claim climate change is a Chinese hoax? Bonus points!
28. And it's all over. You want the uninformed analysis of someone who knows barely any French, and not a great deal about French politics? OK, here goes.
29. Juppé aced this debate.
30. His main rival Sarkozy came across as defensive, nervous, confrontational. Juppé looked serene, in control, and statesmanlike.
31. Fundamentally, though, I'm just glad I don't have to vote for any of these people.
32. In conclusion: me, as a British person, watching this debate.
