Skip To Content

    The Paleo Diet, According To A Caveman

    Wishing you all of my healthy, hairy best.

    Greetings, from Your Favorite Paleolithic Dietitian

    Dear Modern Readers,

    I get it. I really do. Your eating habits have evolved from tracking mammoths and killing saber-toothed tigers to dollar menus and drive-thrus. You yearn to return to the heavy-browed physical prowess of your Paleolithic ancestors, but don't quite know where to start. Luckily, you have me to help you ease your transition to your healthy, happy, and hairy caveman self.

    Beef = Mammoth?


    The health benefits of eating “beef” begin with the sheer physical effort required to bring one of these animals down. You will be running and leaking terror-sweat from every pore of your body in order to avoid being trampled and/or gored by your dinner, which means that (assuming you survive) you’ll have burned over five hundred calories before you even take your first bite!

    Helpful tip— make sure your spears are sharpened and the “stab” setting is on (hunting with a dull spear is the most common dietary mistake made by modern Americans).

    Feathers > Food / Via

    Poultry is always a popular choice for cavemen who enjoy spending hours painstakingly yanking individual feathers out of bloody carcasses. When properly caught and prepared, the health benefits of eating poultry include increased manual dexterity and temporary satiation after hours of physical labor.

    Helpful tip— go ahead and roast your bird as close to an open flame as possible. The carcinogens from the charred bird won’t begin to affect your health until way past your expected lifespan.

    More vegetables, less death


    Nothing beats a delicious handful of insect-infested seasonal veggies! Keep in mind that as a Paleolithic human, you probably spend most of your time either hunting things that want to kill you or gathering plants and hoping they won’t. Make sure you’re well-versed on poisonous versus non-poisonous greenery.

    Helpful tip— Dirt and urine can overpower the taste of individual vegetables. Make sure you shake off as much soil as possible, and try not to forage too close to animal marking sites.

    Fruit is natural Splenda

    Since you have no other access to sweet and/or sugary foods, fruit provides a much-needed burst of flavor to your diet. Just be careful while climbing any kind of fruit tree, because a fall and the resulting broken bone could be a Paleolithic death sentence.

    Helpful tip— Enjoy fruit while you have it, since the cold climate and short summer months make seasonal fruits a limited luxury. Avoid feelings of deprivation by painting pictures of fruit on the nearest cave wall. We suggest using oils for that nice photo-realistic flair.

    Finally, No Cupcakes


    The key to Paleo success is holding your food to a higher standard. Will buying that chocolate cupcake give you nourishment, exercise, weaponry, and an enormous pelt to keep you toasty warm during the winter months? If you answered “no,” you might want to reconsider your eating habits. If you answered “yes,” quit bragging and share your cupcake.

    Wishing you all of my hairy best,

    Your Friendly Neighborhood Caveman