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5 Things We Wish We Were Told About In Sex Ed

It's not all love and romance

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With the exception of people from certain religious upbringings we all went through some form of sex education in school. If it was anything like mine, it involved putting a condom on various vegetables that would later make up the teachers dinner and looking at pictures of genital mutilating infections that you will catch if you have unprotected sex.

Now in my mid-twenties, I can look back fondly at this time and realize there are much better things they could have taught us. Such as...

1. How to unhook a bra.


As many of my friends know, I have a disability when it comes to performing this act. I have asked for pointers of many of them and yet I still struggle to accomplish the fabled "One Hand Unbuckling". I naturally assume that all women who ask me to remove their bras weld their clasp together when I'm not looking as a means of messing with me.

I can't help but think that I'm not the only one out there that at some point in their life has struggled two-handedly to unhook 3 metal clasps before resigning and just saying "Oh, you do it".

A brief description, or even a schematic, whilst learning about the birds and the bees would help men everywhere have less awkward sex. And that's a fact that's backed up by science.

2. The Walk of Shame.


Everyone who has had casual sex is familiar with this, and if your not, allow me to educate you.

It's when you have to walk home from whomever's house you spent the night in, still dressed in the clothes you wore last night, often hungover. Everyone that sees you in the street knows that you did something that your not proud of last night.

At school, they teach you not to have casual sex because of the aforementioned genital mutilating STI's that are out there, and this works, until you meet alcohol and everything goes out the window, including your dignity.

Would it be too much to ask for schools to acknowledge that this is a thing that happens to most people and to warn us about it. Maybe give us pointers on fixing out hair or make-up, or maybe to have spare clothes on standby.

3. How to poop in your partners house.


This one we are all familiar with. Despite all of the failings of your school you manage somehow to end up in a relationship. Well done. It's easy from now on in. Or is it? We're all humans and we all poop. We know this, but don't often advertise this fact. So what do you do when you need to poop whilst at your partners house?

No advice is given in this field, everyone is out there on their own, and it's the most important one. We don't want our new partner to think we're disgusting and to stop having sex with us, that would be awful.

Do we not poop? Do we say that we're going for a shower? Do we wait until their asleep and try and sneak past? Schools need to educate us on this from a young age!

4. The noises.


Television and the internet teaches us that sex is a romantic tryst and nothing gross or funny ever happens. They lie! Sex is sweaty and messy and various parts rub together to make funny sounds.

It happens to everyone, and its hilarious.

Everyone remembers the first time they were doing the deed and their sweaty bodies made a fart sound, or when they burped mid-job.

As a note to teachers everywhere, tell kids this. It'll work as an icebreaker before you show them horrific images of various discharges.

5. Spooning is impossible.


Spooning is a paradox. Generally people have two arms each and enjoy a cuddle after sex. These are both completely normal, but trying it for the first time leaves the big spoon wondering where to put their extra arm.

It is impossible to find somewhere to put one of your arms where it'll be comfortable for you both and won't leave you with a blood clot.

Professional spooners like myself have learnt to embrace this fact and now just accept it as an anomaly of biology (that is a fun sentence to say). But the first time it happens you are left wondering whether you've been built correctly.

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