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72 Thoughts Every Girl Has Before An Online Date

There is always a chance the person you're meeting will be a murderer who wants to eat you.

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1) Better have another look at his profile.

2) Looks v sincere in that selfie.

3) Smoldering some might say…

4) I hope he's not a murderer.

5) You never know these days.

6) It's a risk the modern woman has to take if she wants to find herself a date on the internet.

7) They might be a murderer.

8) But quite a sexy, or at least photogenic, murderer.

9) He says he likes going to independent cinemas on rainy Sunday afternoons.

10) …That's exactly what a murderer would say.

11) But he did have excellent chat.

12) …I bet murderers have good chat.


14) What the fuck am I going to wear?

15) I want to look sexy, but also like I "woke up like dis", but also like I'm the kind of girl that wouldn't roll straight out of bed and into a date.

16) Effortless chic.

17) French.

18) Shall I wear nice underwear?

19) Am I going to be ~showing~ anybody my underwear tonight?


21) What if he has a really weird voice, like Elmo.

22) I could not bang someone that had a voice like Elmo.

23) Maybe I could get him to send me a voice clip on Whatsapp?

24) I could say it was to "get me in the mood".

25) That's really fucking creepy.

26) He might think I'm a murderer then.

27) That would be awful, someone thinking you're a murderer.

28) Shitting balls, what am I going to wear?

29) Let's start with the shoes and work backwards; that's the kind of thing you'd read in a magazine.

30) Wait how tall did they say they were?

31) Fuck, it doesn't say.

32) I might be going on a date with the smallest person in the world.

33) …or the tallest.

34) Tall people always put their height in their profiles though.

35) Tall people feel the need to tell people they're tall like it's an achievement.

36) You couldn't be short if you tried though tall people, could you now?

37) Better go for flats.

38) Right flats and a nice dress, sorted.

39) I'll wear a fancy-arse bra and normal knickers and then we've got a compromise from head to toe.

40) Which is what every date wants to be, right?

41) A loveable, totally fine, would introduce to your mum, compromise.

42) *Sigh*

43) Must. Be. Positive.

44) This could be your future spouse you're meeting tonight!

45) People meet the love of their life online, they really do!

46) *Sigh*

47) At least it's an excuse to have some alcohol.

48) Mmmmm alcohol.

49) Better wear my hair down; I get hit on much more with my hair down.

50) People like to be able to identify their target from a distance.

51) "Long hair, woman, go."

52) Right how late should I be?

53) Sexy late, but not irritating late.

54) A cool five minutes late.

55) Which means I should leave…now.

56) Focus. Conversation topics.

57) That aren't about murderers.

58) Oh em gee this is my stop, what a speedy bus.

59) Fuck I'm early, that's so lame.

60) Whatever, murderers don't care if their victims are lame anyway.


62) Conversation topics come on.

63) Children? Marriage?

64) Too soon.

65) Stick to things light things, like the economy, and Kim Kardashian. Perfect!

66) OMG is that him getting out of a cab????

67) A ~CAB~ so fancy.

68) He looks different.

69) Less hot, also less murdery.


71) Shorter as well.

72) Thank fuck I wore flats.