1. BEEP BEEP BEEP
2. Shit, I need to go running.
3. To fit in a run and still be on time for work I need to get up in exactly three minutes.
4. That’s three minutes of mindless scrolling in a hope that the blinding phone light will wake up my eyes.
5. That went suspiciously quickly.
6. OK, get out of bed, this is meant to be the easy bit.
7. Shorts, sports bra, socks, top, headphones... Where are my headphones? Did I leave them at work?
8. I can’t run without headphones.
9. Hearing my own breath for 30 minutes is 100% torture.
10. Oh, thank fuck, here they are.
11. OK, maybe I should do some strengthening warm-up exercises?
12. Nah, fuck that, I’ve been good enough already getting out of bed.
13. OK, here we go, playlist sorted, running app on (so I am held accountable by people seeing how shit I am at running): LET’S GO!
14. Omg everything hurts, I am so stiff.
15. Am I even actually awake yet?
16. Really hard to tell.
17. OK, this is fine, I don’t think my shins will actually spontaneously combust.
18. The streets are so empty right now.
19. Everyone else is so peaceful and asleep.
21. Think of how many sweet, sweet, calories you're burning.
22. Every step is a guilt-free bite of delicious fried stuff.
23. Not that you should ever feel guilt for eating nice things and really it’s all the patriarchy’s fault anyway.
24. BUT THINK OF HOW GOOD YOU’LL FEEL WHEN YOU’VE FINISHED.
25. Such a sense of achievement.
26. Such a sense of not having to doing any running again for at least 48 hours.
27. Oh, this tune is a banger.
28. This is like I’m in a cool, hip, happening music video.
29. Running through the edgy, up-and-coming eventually, affordable part of town.
30. Looking cooool.
31. Shit, who’s that out-of-breath, jogging sea lion reflected in that shop window.
32. Oh shit.
33. That jogger looks about my speed – I’ll use her as a pacer for a while.
34. This isn’t creepy, just practical.
35. This is great, very professional, exactly what I need.
36. Is she speeding up?
37. Maybe she wasn’t exactly my speed.
38. To be fair, I think she is wearing the same brand sports bra and shorts, that’s bound to make you faster.
39. Omg she is much, much faster than I thought.
40. Oh wait, does her T-shirt say she finished a marathon?
41. Fuck this, I’m dropping back.
42. Lotta people do seem to be running past me.
43. That’s OK though, because I’m lapping everyone on the couch.
44. Except those on a couch in a mobile home – they can be speedy.
45. OK, halfway through: Every step now is a step closer to not running any more.
46. Maybe I could walk for a bit.
47. Just a cheeky rest-walk, long as you keep moving, right?
48. NO! Think of the cake.
49. God, this is dull.
50. But so good to be experiencing the outside world, breathing the fresh air, living among the wildlife, doing what we evolved to do.
51. You sit at a desk for the rest of the day!
52. And isn’t that just a blessing.
53. You’re nearly there! When you were running past this before you were still enthusiastic about running – that means you’re really nearly home.
54. OK, sprint finish.
55. Shit, started that too early.
56. Still sprinting.
57. Might die.
58. RIP me.
59. DONE! Running complete! The best bit of running!
60. Just check out my progress on my running app.
61. Share with all my pals how much running I’m doing.
62. And therefore so superior to all those not running at 7am this morning…
63. I WAS GOING HOW SLOWLY?!
64. This shit is meant to be getting easier.