back to top

83 Things Every Early Person Has Thought

OK, it's three minutes past – where is this bitch?

Posted on

1. It says on Google Maps it'll take me 35 minutes to get there.

2. On Citymapper it says 40.

3. I'll leave 45 because going up Oxford Street on the bus in a nightmare at this time.




7. OK, so getting my shoes on didn't take as long as I thought, so I'm ready to go with two minutes to spare.

8. Might as well leave, I'm just standing here overheating in my coat.

9. I can take my time now.

10. I have all the time in the world.

11. SHIT, that's my bus.

12. RUN.

13. Shit, I'm so hot in this coat.

14. Shouldn't have brought a brolly – it's weighing me down.

15. Phew, on the bus.

16. And it's only 20 past.

17. Lots of seats on this bus – thought it would be busier at this time.

18. We've been at this bus stop quite a while.

19. Shall I ask what's going on?

20. If we stay here for another 10 minutes I could be late.

21. "Sorry for the delay." TOO RIGHT YOU'RE SORRY.

22. Woo, we're speeding.

23. And it's only half past! I'll probably be on time.

24. Ooh, this looks like a traffic jam.

25. Pedestrians are just walking on the road while I am sat completely still.

26. Maybe I should get out and walk.

27. Would it be quicker to walk?

28. If it's solid on Oxford Street it will definitely be quicker to walk.

29. Oh, we're moving.

30. Oh, look at that, it was a red light.

31. Well, Oxford Street is remarkably empty for a Tuesday afternoon.

32. I really would have thought there would be more traffic.

33. And roadworks.

34. There are always roadworks...

35. ...but not today.

36. Look at that, it's my stop.

37. Well, I'm 10 minutes early.

38. Now I can relax.

39. So much better than being late.

40. I'll just browse the shops.

41. Maybe look for somewhere to sit down.

42. Why aren't there more public benches?

43. CRAP, I don't get signal in the shop – what if Emma called me?

44. OK, it's five to.

45. Can I text her?

46. She's not even meant to be here yet.

47. But like...I could text her, just to see where she is.

48. No, I'll wait.

49. OK, three minutes until she has to be here.

50. I'll start composing a text.

51. "Hey where are you? I'm standing outside Topshop like we said :) xoxo"

52. OK, it's one minute to.

53. I'll send it.

54. It will take a while to get there anyway.

55. What if she walks past me?

56. I'll stand right by the curb.

57. I'm unmissable.

58. She still hasn't read my text.

59. That's a good sign.

60. She's busy power-walking to meet me.

61. OK, it's three minutes past – where is this bitch?

62. Seriously.

63. It's starting to rain.

64. Lucky I brought that umbrella.

65. I bet Emma is enjoying the thought of me in the rain.

66. Four minutes past.

67. I'll call her.

68. OH em gee, straight to voicemail.

69. That twat is on the tube still.

70. If the tubes are delayed I'll be here all day.

71. My socks will get wet.

72. It's five minutes past.

73. She's now officially late.

74. Unbelievable.

75. Who does this?

76. Shall I call her again?

77. I mean, she is only five minutes late.

78. Maybe she couldn't find a brolly when she was leaving the house.

79. Cut her some slack.

80. Oh my god, six minutes.

81. That bitch…

82. "HI EMMA."

83. "No, I haven't been waiting long, don't worry about it."