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Week 1 Power Rankings: Out With The Old Guard?

Folks, we may have made a huge mistake. Our newest league members dominated in Week 1 and put the entire pantheon of founders on notice. It begs the question: should we invite those shitty players back instead? In this "journalist's" opinion: no. Fuck those guys.

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1. Deflate (H)ate

As one of the few things I got right about fantasy last week, Cory maintains his position atop the power rankings. 5 of his starters were top 5 at their position with another 2 in the top 10. David Johnson looks to be the truth, Brandin Cooks is proving to be a steal in the 3rd round, and Brady isn't even back yet. Is Cory a Elite Manager?

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2. The Demogorgskins

You guys I totally called it (last year) - CJA is a legit RB1 (this year). Have fun going up against the combo of Brees/Lamar/CJA/Jordy/Reed/Broncos D every week. With a couple of promising rookie WRs in Will Fuller and Sterling Shepard to boot, Denis has cemented himself as an early championship contender.

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3. WSP McCarthy Outta My Cage

Who says going RB-RB is dead? Legends of Kelvin Benjamin's decline seem to have been greatly exaggerated and Amari Cooper would appear to be Dat Boi in Oakland (o shit!)

At this point, Nial must be praying for Hyde not to repeat last year's performance of looking solid in Week 1 then Burning in Hell.

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4. San Diego Harambes

Randy my boy you've done it! An excellent Week 1 performance for the second-year GM included healthy workloads for DeMarco and Langford in addition to receiving a TD from Julio. Dez' stat line is a bit alarming but I hardly think that's cause for concern moving forward. If Jamaal can produce at Spencer Ware's level (man that sentence looks weird) we're talkin' *jim mora voice* playoffs.

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5. The Nial-Nelsie Hopkinses

Fantasy football is all about opportunity and Max has capitalized on that in a big way. While Chris Ivory is ill (presumably with Old Dick) T.J. should get a lot of goal-line looks, and it would appear that Larry is still hungry for touchdowns. With Max's Our Panthers turning in solid weekly performances you have to wonder if he'll avenge his 2013 championship defeat.

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6. The Fourth Reich

Boy, this must be how Hitler would have felt if Joseph Goebbels tore his ACL. Were it not for a devastating season-ending injury to Keenan Allen, Henry would be higher on this list. Despite the injury, T4R put forth a solid Week 1 performance with Ryan Mathews quelling any notion of Darren Sproles Bullshit and DeAngelo Williams striking fear into the hearts of men. I think A.J. Green did alright too.

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7. The Life of Nuwanda

In a similar boat with Henry, Chris took a blow to some of his finest points-boys. Russ' ankle was stomped on by Ndamukong Suh "unintentionally" (actually though) and wittle Sammy Watkins' foot has an ouchie. Combined with an unimpressive outing from (who?) MATT JONES - this is certainly not the start that Chris had envisioned, but you can never be counted out when you have Antonio in your familia.

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8. Flamin' Unicorns

It wasn't a good day for the team that bears Fire Flames' most household name. A lineup that's already thin at the top sustained injuries to DT and Ertz, and Lockett did not instill confidence at the prospect of a breakout season. Hopefully former Wisconsin running back Melvin Gordon, holder of the NCAA record for 2nd most rushing yards in a game (fuck u Samaje Perine) can provide an added boost for Kelly.

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9. WSP Battling Swans

Devonta will be better than he was in this game but you have to be worried about his workload if you're Adam. Or you don't - I doubt he reads anything about sports online other than Twins farm system news. Help me Josh Gordon you're my only hope!

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10. Andrew Truck

Death, taxes, Jacob benching a running back that scores twice (I know Chris used this idiom in his writeup last week but this is Buzzfeed what do you expect). The fantasy world is ablaze with questions about Gurley's viability in the NFL's most putrid offense, and Rawls is at the moment locked into a timeshare with CMike, another player whose success I totally timed correctly. There really isn't anywhere to go but up for Jacob, and for that matter, Gary Barnidge.

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11. Super Smegma Brigade

Eli is movin' on up even after a loss, but I'm not ready to crown him yet. Roughly half his Week 1 points came from Rodgers and the Vikings D, an unsustainable model for victory in fantasy football. With DT ailing the Smegs might get a nice boost in Emmanuel Sanders, but you're gonna have a tough time winning with an inactive Chris Ivory in the flex (especially when Darren Sproles is your next best player).

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12. Supersaiyan God Supersaiyans

Do I actually believe I have the worst team? No. Does it deserve to be here after a nightmarish outing from Tyrod and an indefinite absence from my beloved Gronk? Yes. Will I be called out by a handful of league members for being "too humble" in my own content piece? Almost certainly. When T.Y. Hilton goes for 79 yards and no TDs in a game where Luck threw for 385 yards and 4 scores and Brandon Marshall nets 3 receptions for 32 yards there is cause for concern.

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