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Oh hey, welcome to Wappletrees! It's your first day at our fine establishment AND your first day as a server. You'll do fine. Oh — I see your first table! It looks like they're ready to order. You say...
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"Hi there! What can I get started for you today?""Sorry about the wait! I'll be taking care of you today. Would you like to hear our specials this evening?""Hi! Do you know what you want yet?"Correct!Wrong!You always gotta upsell those specials!!!!!!
Look, I should tell you that our boss Gary Schlarry is a real stickler for letting the customers know our specials. Sometimes they want what they don't even know they want!!!! And watch your tone, too!!!!
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Little Bethanne is taking her sweet goddamn time deciding between the turkey sandwich and mac 'n' cheese on the kids menu, and you already have another table not-so-patiently waiting for you. You say...
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"Would you like more time to decide?""Listen, the mac 'n' cheese is from a box. The turkey sub is made fresh and comes with fries. How's that sound?""The chicken nuggets are good, too."Correct!Wrong!NEVER REVEAL KITCHEN SECRETS.
OH LORDY. Don't tell 'em our mac 'n' cheese is from a box. We can't let that get out!!! You gotta just give 'em more time. And don't give them more options if they're already deciding between two already!!!!!!!
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Oh fuck. Little Kenion Lazarus has a shit-eating grin on his face, and you discover he's been putting sugar in the salt shaker. What an asshole. You say...
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"Excuse me? What do you think you're doing?""Did you find that prank from YouTube?"Nothing. Let his parents handle it.Correct!Wrong!OK, listen. Let his parents handle it.
We here at Wappletrees are not here to babysit or parent children. Sure, little Kenion Lazarus is a major a-hole, but your No. 1 job is just to serve the food and keep the customers happy!!!!!
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Annabeth is pissed because she got the mac 'n' cheese and it tasted like total crap. Now Mom is mad at you and asks if there's anything you can do. You say...
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"I didn't think there was such a thing as bad mac 'n' cheese!""Is there anything else I can get you instead?""How about I throw in a free dessert to make up for it?"Correct!Wrong!ASK WHAT THE CORRECT ANSWER IS!!!!
Dude, you can't read minds. You have no idea what Mom and Popsie want for their children, so ASK them what THEY expect as a remedy and see if that's something you can "run by management." Offering them free desserts when they barely ate dinner will just piss off the parents!!!!!! And what if they're allergic to nuts or some shit, you know?
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You deliver the food and hear, "Oh! Before you go! Can you take a photo for us?" But you have another table impatiently hemming and hawing to get your attention. You...
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"Of course! Can you give me two seconds, though?"Pretend you don't hear her and walk away."Yeah! Isn't it GRAND how we as a society want to capture every little thing nowadays?"Correct!Wrong!SERVING IS YOUR JOB, DUDE!!!!!!!
It's OK to come back in two seconds to take their photo if you tell them nicely. People are understanding. Serving subtle sassy undertones won't get you a good tip, you know?
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They've finished their meal and you notice Pops has eaten every bite. "Did you enjoy everything?" you ask. "Ugh, no! It was terrible!" Pops chuckles, reciting the words as if he is the only person in the world who has uttered that sentence. You say...
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"Oh, haha, that's weird. Because you ate it all.""Ha! Good one, sir.""Ha, ha. Nice. Let me bring you some dessert menus."Correct!Wrong!UPSELL THOSE DESSERTS, DUDE.
Yeah, customers love reciting the same bad jokes. HUMOR THEM. But don't call them "sir" or "ma'am." They hate that for some reason. And try your goddamn hardest to sell those desserts, man.
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Finally, this family takes their sweet-ass time leaving the table. Pops tells you that you need to smile more. Jesus Christ. Anyway, as they're leaving, you see that they left a 3% tip. WHAT THE FUCK, MAN? You...
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Yell after them, "Do you think my bills magically pay themselves?"Smile and call, "hope your experience is better next time!"Do nothing.Correct!Wrong!OH MY GOD.
OK, listen. Here at Wappletrees we CANNOT comment on how people tip. Management gets so pissed at us. Even if customers are The Worst. And usually? They are. IT SUCKS.
