People Are Pretty Pissed About Their Patronus Results On Pottermore


Posted on

Even JOSS WHEDON was not thrilled.

Don't talk to me about nobility or tenaciousness or Ron's wonderful family - my life is OVER

Some witches and wizards were just not about that salmon life:

I got a salmon. My patronus is a SALMON. You all get cool cats and stags. I get something that poaches great with dill and lemon slices.

Had to get sorted into a house before I took the patronus test... Hufflepuff with a salmon patronus I've hit a new low in life

Everyone is upset they didn't get a hippogriff or a thestral as their patronus but at least you didn't get a SALMON…

Others were not so stoked on conjuring a RAT to fight off Dementors:

My patronus is a rat. Not even pizza rat. Just a regular, dirty, sewage rat.

my patronus is a literal rat even my fictional narratives won’t let me live

Some got an aardvark...

Boss: "Hey. I need you to put some pants on. Big time." Me: "MY PATRONUS IS A FUCKING AARDVARK, KAREN. WHAT'S THE P…

...and a pig...

I can’t believe I waited 15 years to find out that my Patronus is a fucking pig

...and even a SHREW?

my patronus is a fucking shrew?!?!? excuse me pottermore, I did not sign up for this

Honestly, J.K. Rowling, please explain this.

A whole lot of others did not feel hashtag blessed with a MOLE Patronus:

I waited what feels like my whole life to find out that my #Patronus is a mole. WHY?! @jk_rowling

If I actually had a mole as a patronus I'd just let the dementors eat my soul

Me: Ooh, at last, the Patronus test! Me, five minutes later: A FRIGGIN MOLE FUQ U JKR

They were not happy with a duck:

When you think your #patronus would absolutely be a unicorn 🦄 and you find out it's a duck... #ExpectoPatronum

Nor a mouse:

You know what, the dementors can have me. This. is. a. JOKE. #ExpectoPatronum

And they definitely weren't about letting a squirrel fight off Dementors:

My patronus is a red squirrel. Between this and the Hufflepuff nonsense, I guess I'll just have to accept that I'm lame AF

Some people have to spend a lot of time explaining what their Patronus actually is:

"so what's your house?" "gryffindor" "nice. what's your patronus" "a jaeger. my patronus is a jaeger. not a mole, but a JAEGER"

And others believed their Patronus was a sign that the universe was out to get them:

thought I was having a bad morning, then pottermore told me my patronus was a "dragonfly" so I realized I'm actually just having a bad life

People had to be reminded that it could be worse:

Me: Dad my Patronus is a fucking horse Dad: But somewhere in the world someone just discovered their Patronus is a pig Me: Dad: Imagine that

Just remember, if your Patronus is garbage, you can always threaten J.K. Rowling with litigation.

Literally everyone else is getting goth as fuck patronuses and im over here with a weasel im suing jk rowling