1.
8yo: Mom, will you put ketchup on my hotdog? Me: You’re old enough to do it yourself. 8yo:
2.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say? toddler: Finally
3.
TODDLER: *spitting out mouthful of grapes and scrambled eggs he's been chewing for five minutes* MINE! Don't eat it! ME: We're good.
4.
2am. Wake up to 3 standing next to my bed. Me: oh my God what are you doing? 3: You said last night I could have chocolate. Me: Ok... 3: But you didn't give me my chocolate. Me: Ok... 3: So now I want my chocolate. Me: Any chance we'll sleep tonight without the chocolate? 3: No
5.
If your toilet paper roll doesn’t look like this, do you even have a toddler? #momlife #dadlife #parenting #toddlers https://t.co/mHRJLCXSFW
6.
6yo: I need to fart Me: No, we're eating 6yo: Ok, I'll just hold it in with my hand *Farts 6yo: It didn't work
7.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
8.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
9.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn't make cakes. She eats them. Her face will be on currency one day.
10.
me: you got your sense of humor from me *dad laugh* daughter: you probably should’ve kept some of it for yourself me: *dad silence*
11.
Me: “You guys treat me like I’m some waitress.” Son, whispering to daughter: “Well, there goes her tip.”
12.
So glad my kids have the day off tomorrow because I really miss hearing arguing between the hours of 8am to 3pm.
13.
Just caught my 9yo forging my signature on a school paper. He’s going to be a blast as a teenager.
14.
8: I wish you could homeschool me Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach- 8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff. Me: Ah look, the bus.
15.
Pumpkin patches, so you can pay $50 for kids activities like “here, pet this goat” and “chip your tooth in this overcrowded bouncy house.”
16.
Me, at dinner: “Who wants another helping?” 7y.o, *whispers*: “None of this dinner is helping me.”
17.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
18.
Me [walking into bathroom]: GET IN HERE. Son: Why? Me: There is pee everywhere. How do you do this? Clean this up. Son: Ok. [2 mins later] Son: Where's the plunger? Me: Why? Son: [pointing at 15 paper towels he tried to flush] Me: From now on you have to pee outside.
19.
me: i love you son: i love popsicles
20.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time. 6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
21.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready? Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
22.
If you’ve ever walked around your house & thought to yourself, “I wish there was a way for all the toilets to be unflushed all the time,” I highly recommend having children.