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    18 Very Good Parenting Tweets That Both Parents And Non-Parents Will Find Hilarious

    "None of the parenting books tell you that your 2-year-old will name her feet Tommy (R) and Omar (L), yet here we are."


    Me: What's the first rule of cooking? 4: Don't put your hands in your butt. Me: 4: Me: Correct.


    None of the parenting books tell you that your 2 year old will name her feet Tommy (R) and Omar (L), yet here we are.


    My kids at 7:00 am on a school day: zzzzzzzzzzzzzz My kids at 5:00 am on a Saturday: GET MY FLUTE WE ARE TAKING THIS PARTY TO THE NEXT LEVEL WHERE IS MY FUCKING FLUTE DAD


    [parents on the phone] It's going ok PLEASE DON'T LICK HER idk if we'll be able to WHO SPILLED WATER ALL OVER THE FLOOR go eat lunch with you GET OFF THE TABLE i'll txt you later OMG IS THIS POOP?! bye.


    Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast? Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand. Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.


    My kid had a sleepover and in the morning I offered to make waffles, but the friend said they couldn’t eat gluten or sugar or dairy, so I offered scrambled eggs and this kid goes...”Do you have duck eggs?” Um. I’m sorry child this is not Scotland 1745, it’s my house.


    the best thing about babies is they have no idea what’s going on. i was holding my baby and trying to eat but i dropped a little piece of lasagna on her and didn’t have a free hand to wipe it off so i just leaned over and ate it off her head. she has no clue what i did


    Parenting books there should be: -Life After Lice -There’s a Turd in the Tub, Now What -This is the Day You Remember the Grocery List -How to Read Your Teen’s Emojis -Finding Inner Peace and Your Child’s Shoes -How to Start a Successful Carpool


    [texting son] 17: my gf wants sanitary napkins in pink packaging, I can't find them M: send a pic, I'll help 17:


    my daughters version of trick or treating was asking every single person if they had a puppy she could pet and then sitting on each porch for five minutes petting their dogs and honestly it’s a good version


    My 2 y.o. talks a lot of shit for someone who can literally be picked up and placed wherever we need him to be.


    my 4 yo can run his tablet like he's a mini Bill Gates when i was 4 i was literally outside eating ants.


    The only perfect phone call I ever heard was when one of my kids was a toddler on his play phone: "Hello?" "Puppies!" "Goodbye."


    I asked my 5yo to spit out his gum before bed. He said it wasn't gum. "What is it?" "Toenails!" Goodnight folks. Sleep well.


    My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother's Google mini in his room. I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him I'm not ready for this.


    My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.


    kids: kids: kids: kids: me: it's bedtime kids: ok hold on we have to build a house, write a book, perform surgery, travel for business, can you cut my nails and also [projectile vomitting] me: MF!!!!


    Me: You know, one day you kids are going to get too old for me to read you stories. What am I going to do then? I love reading you stories 6yo: *gives me hug* Me: I guess one day you might have kids of your own and then I can read them stories 6yo: No, daddy, you can’t