1. FrostyPastaSauce🎄 @CutCopyPasta [Me on Top Chef] Ramsey *screaming*: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS Me: bag of cheetos on top of another bag of cheetos R: IT'S FUCKING DELICIOUS 01:23 PM - 11 Aug 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 2. ♥♥♥ @AryanaSuhaimi “In this economy?!?!??!” is such a good response for everything. “hey how r u” IN THIS ECONOMY?? “wanna go out fo… https://t.co/m6OHQyAlpd 06:45 AM - 18 Nov 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 3. Heather @heath_medwards me at family party: why is everyone asking me personal questions me in an uber: and that Laurence might be where m… https://t.co/TBn0WSb3Gy 08:44 PM - 22 Nov 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 4. duumb @duumb [wheel of fortune] me: id like to buy a vowel pat: arent u a millenial me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel 10:45 AM - 07 Jul 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 5. joey @joeyz95 When your straight friend Jean makes a funny joke 09:06 PM - 23 Jul 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 6. 🐕🌼🌸 Patrick Lenton 🌸🌼🐶 @PatrickLenton Just saw a very stoned young man in the 7/11 look at the selection of chips sadly and say softly “there’s too many of you” 12:37 PM - 10 Nov 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 7. Foxy Grandma 👵🏼✨ @officialfoxygma me avoiding my relatives' affection during the holidays 07:29 PM - 25 Nov 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 8. Megan🌞 @megan_middle I wonder what it's like to be able to put your hair in a low ponytail and not look like a founding father 05:03 PM - 30 Jun 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 9. Dan O'Brien @OtherDanOBrien THERAPIST: Anyways— ME: "Anyways" isn't a word. You mean "anyway" THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends 03:22 PM - 01 Feb 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 10. ace @iamalishajo my ubereats delivery man decided to be a smart ass...... 10:27 PM - 17 Jul 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 11. chuuch @ch000ch Me: i make 6 figures per year My date: wow that's pretty good Me: yea. although most people call them "figurines" 03:34 AM - 20 Jul 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 12. Emily Barry @EmiBarry "Wow 3 tattoos.. those are pretty permanent you know" Me: wow 3 kids... those are pretty damn permanent CAROL 02:51 AM - 26 Jul 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 13. Light-Say-Burr @gotzerochill When your parents are roasting you in front of guests. 08:54 PM - 04 Mar 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 14. actioncookbook @actioncookbook US: Meghan Markle's a princess! BRITAIN: well, technically, she- US: the future queen! BRITAIN: no, you see- US: PU… https://t.co/7vgFnhqQSK 01:32 AM - 28 Nov 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 15. Manny🇩🇴 @Manny_Bodega yoooo, they revoked his medical license. 05:31 PM - 27 Apr 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 16. ki'. @gvldenkirstyy "but you said your 5 mins away" First of all I didn't say where I'm 5 mins away from 07:20 PM - 15 Oct 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 17. mo @chuuew [creation of snakes] GOD: What happened here? ANGEL: You said make them armless... GOD: Harmless! ANGEL: Ohhh SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS! 04:12 PM - 04 Dec 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 18. jesstive cheer! @jesswithsleeves me on a bad day 01:31 PM - 20 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 19. Demetri Martin @DemetriMartin I just got a private jet. It’s very small. I guess you could say it’s a toy jet, but it’s private. 04:44 PM - 04 Aug 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 20. gab @GabbyyMartinez Someone tell me why I thought this lady’s hair was a dog wearing sunglasses 🤦🏻♀️😂 10:01 PM - 16 Nov 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 21. Barnesy @3arnesy Delivery guy: Could I use your toilet? Me: Yes sure it's the door under the stairs. Delivery guy: Which one? Me: Er… https://t.co/GOtRgbkxsd 01:20 PM - 27 Jul 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 22. IRIS KESSLER @Iris_Elisabeth_ my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because "first impressions mat… https://t.co/zWzJZPrWBs 01:42 PM - 03 Jan 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 23. Daniel @DannyDutch I'm no geologist but this is quite an interesting Rock formation. 06:57 PM - 25 Jul 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 24. Semra @SemraDurmisevic my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow me: yes my mom today: do u work today me: yes i already told u my mom when i'm at work: where are u 05:45 PM - 15 Jul 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 25. Sam Yeezy @samstaydipped Imagine carrying 18 dumbbells to the court tryna look cool just to get overshadowed by a old man hitting free throws 11:53 PM - 02 Aug 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 26. ZS @SlonskyZach Cop: ur car smells like marijuana Me: whoever smelt it dealt it Cop: gosh dangit Me: ur under arrest 12:07 AM - 11 Aug 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 27. ㅤ @IAmSteezus My girl paid for our date 4 the first time bc I left my wallet at home otw back she play TLC's "Scrubs" on the aux cord 3 times in a row smh 01:27 AM - 12 Aug 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 28. Eric @canceric I hope every person who ever thought I would fail sees this. 06:07 AM - 03 Dec 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 29. Alec Vercher @alec_vercher A free t-shirt can motivate me to do basically anything 07:39 AM - 11 Jul 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 30. Jon @ArfMeasures [Stranded after plane crash] ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat first GUY: But why, pacifically? ME: Ok I've made my choice 05:24 PM - 28 Nov 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 31. Baelor Targaryen @abedelrey When you ask a coworker for help and you hear someone in line breathe a little too deep 03:38 PM - 19 Jun 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 32. alex @sIiceofpizza Felt cute in this pic might delete soon tho 04:15 PM - 23 Jun 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 33. gabrielle coffee @gabriellecoffee Coworker: omg text me anytime you need a shift covered Me: can you work today Coworker: omg sorry my uncles hamster is in town or I would 01:38 PM - 11 Jul 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 34. Aj💓 @askaboutaaj When you get carried away pulling off that little piece of skin off your finger 06:17 PM - 19 Jul 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 35. Dasha Uy @kimkarDASHA I'm gonna power the whole country. 11:02 AM - 15 Nov 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 36. Eleanor Davis @squinkyelo My mom is extremely good at Facebook 02:07 AM - 15 Jul 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 37. childish sadbino @datassque yall tired of boiling water every time you make pasta? boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later. 02:47 AM - 30 Jul 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 38. ❄️Anna Let It Snow Scott❄️ @annascottpiano Well, here's rural Nova Scotia in two pictures, taken a day apart. Photos by Andrew Killawee 07:51 AM - 01 Aug 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 39. Jill Filipovic @JillFilipovic Sometimes I read Trump's twitter & recall that for most of American history people were like, "women are too emotional to be president." 03:47 AM - 12 May 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 40. Daniel @MyFavsTrash LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 03:36 AM - 15 Jul 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 41. LONG DISPLAY NAME HATER @kathbarbadoro Once I made fun of a movie on here and the woman who wrote it followed me for 6 months and only faved 1 tweet, where I said I'd gotten sick 03:15 AM - 17 Jul 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 42. Melinda Tra @_meezy_ my aunt gave birth this morning and my grandpa is obviously very excited 10:09 PM - 20 Jun 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 43. Nathan Usher @thenatewolf DEBATE CAPTAIN: You're off the debate team ME: No I'm not DEBATE CAPTAIN: Damn. Where the hell was this guy at regionals? 05:12 AM - 17 Mar 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 44. bauhausfanaccoun halo 3 guardian BR/snipes only 🤠 @hypedresonance all because I said no to bingo night 01:17 AM - 06 Oct 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 45. kelly @ohheyohhihello stop naming your babies James. name him Jame. he is one Jame. 04:10 PM - 13 Nov 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 46. Alex @AlexPresents Megan Markles ex: you won’t ever find anyone as good as me Megan Markle: Hold my beer 11:02 AM - 27 Nov 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 47. sam @toxickilos y'all are scared of getting caught lying and getting kidnapped but this is why I'm scared of the new update LMAOOO 03:38 AM - 24 Jun 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 48. chris melberger @chrismelberger bae: hey... me: sup? bae: i'm home alone me: wait...ur a treasured american classic that features a young macaul… https://t.co/pbE0ljyuuV 08:46 PM - 29 Nov 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 49. andie @analogandie drunk calling exes is cancelled we’re out here drunk calling our friends and letting them know how proud we are of them 04:20 AM - 01 Dec 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 50. Justin @JustinHillister FaceTiming the water so it doesn’t boil over while I’m watching tv in the other room. 01:33 AM - 16 Oct 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 51. Iniko Blue @inikoblue Tinder is the best place to find a husband. Sure it's someone else's husband but there are a lot of husbands on here. 03:30 AM - 27 Mar 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 52. Niamh Walsh @NiamhAWalsh I see you ASOS this is just big trousers 09:44 AM - 17 Nov 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 53. 🉐 @tezzy56 Yeah sex is great but have you ever checked your bank account and had way more money than you expected 01:29 AM - 03 Dec 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 54. Brodley @aaron_brodley7 aye perfect gran cheers👌🏽 05:27 PM - 29 Nov 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 55. Flora underscore underscore Flora 🦄 @Flora__Flora How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra 07:01 PM - 29 Jun 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 56. Deirdre @figgled Childhood is not knowing why all the grown-ups are laughing and adulthood is exactly the same 01:43 AM - 10 Oct 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 57. Hilary @hilary_hildo13 Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking. 10:07 PM - 06 Feb 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 58. Candy Cane Shank 🎄 @sixfootcandy Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork. Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987. 07:12 PM - 06 Apr 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 59. harriet pudney @lqpharriet i have two moods 01:21 AM - 18 Jul 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 60. Sleighlor Trudon🎅🏻 @taylortrudon cycling instructor to class: do you ever get so stressed that you OVER work out? me: i have literally never related to something less 02:39 AM - 28 Jun 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 61. Ali Garfinkel @aligarchy so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that's a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right lla… https://t.co/PxPsAZJ5My 05:48 PM - 12 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 62. Joel Willans @Joelwillans Riley, you're a genius. 09:08 AM - 30 Jul 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 63. James Breakwell @XplodingUnicorn A guy walked by in the terminal wearing a wizard cape. One of us is doing air travel wrong. I think it's me. 05:51 PM - 04 Dec 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 64. dan mentos @DanMentos me: any historical figure? wizard: that’s right [later at dinner] Beethoven: you seem disappointed me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine 08:20 PM - 18 Nov 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 65. lauren ashley bishop @sbellelauren birds: where the fuck are they going all the time 11:07 PM - 16 Oct 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 66. kelly oxford @kellyoxford I'm a v chill person, but if you speed up, cut my car off only to slow down & make a turn: I WILL FOLLOW YOU HOME & BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN. 04:36 PM - 27 Nov 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 67. Ben Schwartz @rejectedjokes You think you're cool? Try drinking water lying down in bed and then get back to me. 02:30 PM - 14 Oct 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 68. chuuch @ch000ch Me: table for 3 please My date: i think he means 2 Me: (propping up ventriloquist doll i was hiding inside my coat) guess again 06:02 AM - 28 Nov 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 69. Paul Bronks @BoringEnormous Good morning. Another day, another 5ft squirrel trying to break into my car. 05:51 AM - 28 Apr 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 70. the garbage shit boy @davedittell me: we all die. you are not your job, you are a temporary aberration in the nothing. preschool teacher: sir career day is for parents only 07:05 PM - 24 Oct 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 71. mo @chuuew [being strapped into electric chair] "any last words?" "be honest, how do I look in hats?" 12:17 PM - 29 Nov 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 72. 10% luck 20% skill 15% concentrated power of will @miketotheklocke Should I take my dog to the vet 09:25 AM - 12 Jul 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 73. Not Sara @smithsara79 *muffled from inside this kidnapper's trunk* Hey, sorry, do you have any snacks? 02:19 AM - 28 Jul 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 74. 🅜🅔🅡🅡🅨 🅝🅘🅒🅚🅜🅐🅢🅢 @OneTrickTofani one time some friends and I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread to make it a "cornbed" so… https://t.co/f4IM3DjdYb 10:27 PM - 07 Nov 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 75. Not Sara @smithsara79 "Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?" I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves 03:53 AM - 22 May 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 76. old tom @YuckyTom when u die u finally get to hear mambo number 6 03:12 PM - 27 Oct 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 77. Bob Vulfov @bobvulfov friend: can i ask for ur advice on something me (have never made a decision that didn't fuck me over for months afterward): yes absolutely 03:22 AM - 17 Oct 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 78. dan mentos @DanMentos lol my boss just called me into his office and told me I've been spending too much time on twitter. Hold on he's saying something else now 04:39 PM - 13 Jun 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 79. Dropped Mike @rebrafsim [banging on door] Help! My son is being held hostage! They're demanding 738 plastic grocery bags or-- Me: *grabbin… https://t.co/oVtwSwBSwe 01:24 PM - 13 Nov 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 80. Mave @MavenofHonor You don't realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it 05:33 PM - 08 Nov 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 81. Kim Monte @KimmyMonte just spilled a La Croix on the ground and now the rug is thinking about doing a podcast on different types of artisanal cheeses 05:32 PM - 25 Oct 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 82. common sad girl @sadgirlkms why the fuck would u wanna go big when u can go home 03:06 PM - 03 Oct 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 83. Michael would like Nazis kicked off of this site. @Home_Halfway HOWDY. I'M THE SHERIFF OF BIRDS. 12:17 AM - 25 Nov 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 84. Marf @MarfSalvador Me: I need a doctor's appointment Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow? Me: No I don't need that many 12:42 PM - 01 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 85. liv. @liv_thatsme *recieves an “unsubscribe successful” email* me: you just needed to get the last word, didn’t you? 07:51 PM - 27 Nov 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 86. liv. @liv_thatsme This is just a guess, but it could be because that's a rotary phone. 01:22 AM - 14 May 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 87. bobby 🌭 @bobby somethin kinda neat i found out…if you ignore a problem for long enough, it either goes away or ruins your life. so 50/50. pretty good odds. 07:33 PM - 06 Jul 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 88. penjamin.nog @upsidedowntrash [carrot slice falls on the floor] Ah well I guess it's in the trash with you [potato chip falls on the floor] YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE. 11:37 PM - 19 Jul 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 89. David Wishes He Had a River @DiscreetLatino standards in your 20s vs standards in your 30s 12:36 PM - 27 Jul 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 90. Bread Savage @papasuncle Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks. "Congrats" on your baby. Congrats on "your" baby. Congrats on your "baby". 11:28 PM - 23 Jul 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 91. Deirdre @figgled Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming 08:14 PM - 18 Jul 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 92. brandAn @LeBearGirdle *Heaven* God: you may ask me 1 question Me: Why aren't there lowercase and uppercase numbers? God: what? Me: I wanna write loud numbers 12:20 AM - 19 Jul 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 93. Spencer Porter @porters ESPN just accidentally wrote a Radiohead song 06:29 PM - 09 Jul 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 94. K.T. NELSON @KrangTNelson RUNNER: this is called "carbo-loading. we eat lots of heavy food ME: that's great. love it RUNNER: then we go for a nice long run ME: no 06:37 PM - 09 Jul 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 95. Tragic Ally @TragicAllyHere Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower. 09:35 PM - 11 Mar 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 96. brent @murrman5 [while being tackled by police dog] what's his name? 09:21 PM - 03 Jul 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 97. Bridger Winegar @bridger_w Were these two words on sale at the sign store 04:00 AM - 26 Nov 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 98. Matt Silverman @Matt_Silverman oh god i think someone is trapped inside this captcha i just got what do i do 03:39 PM - 22 May 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 99. R-B, rebecca black Ⓥ @m33kleeches how did this picture just tell me it wants to know everything about me and then stop talking to me after two weeks 01:25 AM - 09 Jul 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 100. sam @samjhewett This dog followed the google earth guy 02:59 PM - 17 Jun 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 101. John Darby @mrjohndarby [closing the refrigerator door] goodnight my darlings 10:40 PM - 25 Nov 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite For more Best of 2017 content, click here!