1.
[Me on Top Chef] Ramsey *screaming*: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS Me: bag of cheetos on top of another bag of cheetos R: IT'S FUCKING DELICIOUS
2.
“In this economy?!?!??!” is such a good response for everything. “hey how r u” IN THIS ECONOMY?? “wanna go out fo… https://t.co/m6OHQyAlpd
3.
me at family party: why is everyone asking me personal questions me in an uber: and that Laurence might be where m… https://t.co/TBn0WSb3Gy
4.
[wheel of fortune] me: id like to buy a vowel pat: arent u a millenial me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
5.
When your straight friend Jean makes a funny joke
6.
Just saw a very stoned young man in the 7/11 look at the selection of chips sadly and say softly “there’s too many of you”
7.
me avoiding my relatives' affection during the holidays
8.
I wonder what it's like to be able to put your hair in a low ponytail and not look like a founding father
9.
THERAPIST: Anyways— ME: "Anyways" isn't a word. You mean "anyway" THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
10.
my ubereats delivery man decided to be a smart ass......
11.
Me: i make 6 figures per year My date: wow that's pretty good Me: yea. although most people call them "figurines"
12.
"Wow 3 tattoos.. those are pretty permanent you know" Me: wow 3 kids... those are pretty damn permanent CAROL
13.
When your parents are roasting you in front of guests.
14.
US: Meghan Markle's a princess! BRITAIN: well, technically, she- US: the future queen! BRITAIN: no, you see- US: PU… https://t.co/7vgFnhqQSK
15.
yoooo, they revoked his medical license.
16.
"but you said your 5 mins away" First of all I didn't say where I'm 5 mins away from
17.
[creation of snakes] GOD: What happened here? ANGEL: You said make them armless... GOD: Harmless! ANGEL: Ohhh SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
18.
me on a bad day
19.
I just got a private jet. It’s very small. I guess you could say it’s a toy jet, but it’s private.
20.
Someone tell me why I thought this lady’s hair was a dog wearing sunglasses 🤦🏻♀️😂
21.
Delivery guy: Could I use your toilet? Me: Yes sure it's the door under the stairs. Delivery guy: Which one? Me: Er… https://t.co/GOtRgbkxsd
22.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because "first impressions mat… https://t.co/zWzJZPrWBs
23.
I'm no geologist but this is quite an interesting Rock formation.
24.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow me: yes my mom today: do u work today me: yes i already told u my mom when i'm at work: where are u
25.
Imagine carrying 18 dumbbells to the court tryna look cool just to get overshadowed by a old man hitting free throws
26.
Cop: ur car smells like marijuana Me: whoever smelt it dealt it Cop: gosh dangit Me: ur under arrest
27.
My girl paid for our date 4 the first time bc I left my wallet at home otw back she play TLC's "Scrubs" on the aux cord 3 times in a row smh
28.
I hope every person who ever thought I would fail sees this.
29.
A free t-shirt can motivate me to do basically anything
30.
[Stranded after plane crash] ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat first GUY: But why, pacifically? ME: Ok I've made my choice
31.
When you ask a coworker for help and you hear someone in line breathe a little too deep
32.
Felt cute in this pic might delete soon tho
33.
Coworker: omg text me anytime you need a shift covered Me: can you work today Coworker: omg sorry my uncles hamster is in town or I would
34.
When you get carried away pulling off that little piece of skin off your finger
35.
I'm gonna power the whole country.
36.
My mom is extremely good at Facebook
37.
yall tired of boiling water every time you make pasta? boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later.
38.
Well, here's rural Nova Scotia in two pictures, taken a day apart. Photos by Andrew Killawee
39.
Sometimes I read Trump's twitter & recall that for most of American history people were like, "women are too emotional to be president."
40.
LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
41.
Once I made fun of a movie on here and the woman who wrote it followed me for 6 months and only faved 1 tweet, where I said I'd gotten sick
42.
my aunt gave birth this morning and my grandpa is obviously very excited
43.
DEBATE CAPTAIN: You're off the debate team ME: No I'm not DEBATE CAPTAIN: Damn. Where the hell was this guy at regionals?
44.
all because I said no to bingo night
45.
stop naming your babies James. name him Jame. he is one Jame.
46.
Megan Markles ex: you won’t ever find anyone as good as me Megan Markle: Hold my beer
47.
y'all are scared of getting caught lying and getting kidnapped but this is why I'm scared of the new update LMAOOO
48.
bae: hey... me: sup? bae: i'm home alone me: wait...ur a treasured american classic that features a young macaul… https://t.co/pbE0ljyuuV
49.
drunk calling exes is cancelled we’re out here drunk calling our friends and letting them know how proud we are of them
50.
FaceTiming the water so it doesn’t boil over while I’m watching tv in the other room.
51.
Tinder is the best place to find a husband. Sure it's someone else's husband but there are a lot of husbands on here.
52.
I see you ASOS this is just big trousers
53.
Yeah sex is great but have you ever checked your bank account and had way more money than you expected
54.
aye perfect gran cheers👌🏽
55.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
56.
Childhood is not knowing why all the grown-ups are laughing and adulthood is exactly the same
57.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking.
58.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork. Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
59.
i have two moods
60.
cycling instructor to class: do you ever get so stressed that you OVER work out? me: i have literally never related to something less
61.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that's a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right lla… https://t.co/PxPsAZJ5My
62.
Riley, you're a genius.
63.
A guy walked by in the terminal wearing a wizard cape. One of us is doing air travel wrong. I think it's me.
64.
me: any historical figure? wizard: that’s right [later at dinner] Beethoven: you seem disappointed me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
65.
birds: where the fuck are they going all the time
66.
I'm a v chill person, but if you speed up, cut my car off only to slow down & make a turn: I WILL FOLLOW YOU HOME & BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN.
67.
You think you're cool? Try drinking water lying down in bed and then get back to me.
68.
Me: table for 3 please My date: i think he means 2 Me: (propping up ventriloquist doll i was hiding inside my coat) guess again
69.
Good morning. Another day, another 5ft squirrel trying to break into my car.
70.
me: we all die. you are not your job, you are a temporary aberration in the nothing. preschool teacher: sir career day is for parents only
71.
[being strapped into electric chair] "any last words?" "be honest, how do I look in hats?"
72.
Should I take my dog to the vet
73.
*muffled from inside this kidnapper's trunk* Hey, sorry, do you have any snacks?
74.
one time some friends and I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread to make it a "cornbed" so… https://t.co/f4IM3DjdYb
75.
"Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?" I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
76.
when u die u finally get to hear mambo number 6
77.
friend: can i ask for ur advice on something me (have never made a decision that didn't fuck me over for months afterward): yes absolutely
78.
lol my boss just called me into his office and told me I've been spending too much time on twitter. Hold on he's saying something else now
79.
[banging on door] Help! My son is being held hostage! They're demanding 738 plastic grocery bags or-- Me: *grabbin… https://t.co/oVtwSwBSwe
80.
You don't realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
81.
just spilled a La Croix on the ground and now the rug is thinking about doing a podcast on different types of artisanal cheeses
82.
why the fuck would u wanna go big when u can go home
83.
HOWDY. I'M THE SHERIFF OF BIRDS.
84.
Me: I need a doctor's appointment Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow? Me: No I don't need that many
85.
*recieves an “unsubscribe successful” email* me: you just needed to get the last word, didn’t you?
86.
This is just a guess, but it could be because that's a rotary phone.
87.
somethin kinda neat i found out…if you ignore a problem for long enough, it either goes away or ruins your life. so 50/50. pretty good odds.
88.
[carrot slice falls on the floor] Ah well I guess it's in the trash with you [potato chip falls on the floor] YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
89.
standards in your 20s vs standards in your 30s
90.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks. "Congrats" on your baby. Congrats on "your" baby. Congrats on your "baby".
91.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
92.
*Heaven* God: you may ask me 1 question Me: Why aren't there lowercase and uppercase numbers? God: what? Me: I wanna write loud numbers
93.
ESPN just accidentally wrote a Radiohead song
94.
RUNNER: this is called "carbo-loading. we eat lots of heavy food ME: that's great. love it RUNNER: then we go for a nice long run ME: no
95.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
96.
[while being tackled by police dog] what's his name?
97.
Were these two words on sale at the sign store
98.
oh god i think someone is trapped inside this captcha i just got what do i do
99.
how did this picture just tell me it wants to know everything about me and then stop talking to me after two weeks
100.
This dog followed the google earth guy
101.
[closing the refrigerator door] goodnight my darlings