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    Posted on Jan 11, 2018

    17 Tweets That Will Make You Laugh But Also Make You Wanna Stay On Your Couch

    "Talking to people is stressing me out. From now on, I will only communicate telepathically."


    Friend: Do one thing every day that scares you Me: [leaves the house] this is awful


    Wife: Where are you going? Me: You can find me in da club shawty Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you? Me: Yes


    me [sitting on the couch] dog *comes back from eating her dinner* me *unpauses movie*


    [me at 2:45 PM on a Friday] Ok goodnight everyone


    ME: I’m a very private person. ALSO ME: Wanna hear my entire medical history in excruciating detail? Too late it’s already happening to you.


    Sure sex is great but have you ever cooked dinner, eaten it, washed the dishes, then closed the door to your bedroo…


    HER: If you could have dinner with anybody- ME: Do I have to? HER: No you get to choose- ME: My throat is scratchy…


    No thanks, people trying to talk to me, I have this box of donuts to keep me company.


    girlfriend: i like spending time with you me (an introvert): me too


    Always wear sunglasses when eating lunch in your car, so people think your an undercover cop not some loser eating…


    Talking to people is stressing me out. From now on, I will only communicate telepathically.


    I swear if I have to tell these students to put away these phones one more time, I'll put down my own phone and really get upset.


    People: “You look so unapproachable” Me: “And yet, here you are”


    when i leave a party i hate saying goodbye to everyone so i’ll usually just leave quietly and start a new life in another country


    Movie dates are great: food, darkness, no eye contact. We don't have to talk to each other. Shut the fuck up it's starting


    [someone stops being my friend] ah that's sad they must have died


    *phone battery drops to 92%* you guys, I'm sorry, I'd better go home

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