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    Updated on Jan 4, 2019. Posted on Jul 15, 2018

    Just 25 Hilarious Tweets About Life With Kids

    "Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon."


    Looking in the rear view mirror gave me a freaking heart attack today. My daughter’s elephant mask is nightmare fuel and children are just terrifying.


    [pregnant with first child] Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis. [two years later] Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor. Wife: she’s fine.


    ME:*one second after the power goes out* which of our children shall we sacrifice to the gods first


    my family and i just got ice cream and were sitting on a park bench when some guy walked by and said, “isn’t it a little too early for ice cream” to which my son responds “could be worse. we could have beers” and i’ve never been more proud.


    5yo: When I die, I’m gonna haunt houses. Shit, I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of my time on earth and this kid’s got her afterlife plans all nailed down.


    7yo: look at this monstrosity! Guess who learned a new word today?


    Life hack: If you tell the pizza delivery person "Thanks so much, you're making our Pajama Day awesome!" when you and your toddler answer the door in pj's, you transform from the mom who couldn't get her shit together into the fun mom who hosts theme days.


    [coaching little league] KID: did I do good today,coach ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden


    wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!? me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer? toddler [whispers] Because it was wet me: Because it was wet!


    My 5yo daughter, through a mouthful of cherries: "Mrphpmmph" Me: "What?" My 5yo: "Mrphpmmph mph Mrpheemph" Me: "Baby, swallow first." *gulp* My 5yo: "I'm gonna get so much diarrhea from this." Me: "Ok, you're all done with the cherries."


    Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling's name.


    9yo discovered the lab label-maker! #DrosLife


    [Me at a fireworks stand] So, you're looking for something that will last all night and can perforate a person's eardrum? [Sets my baby on the table]


    9yo thought she heard TLC singing about “ancient misty waterfalls” and now I wish that really was the song.


    Curious what it's like to be a mom? Have someone shout your name every 30 seconds 1 inch from your face while trying to write a grocery list


    Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.


    To get back at my kids for asking "Are we there yet?" during long car rides, I'm gonna start asking "Are we done yet?" during their long-ass stories.


    I just told my 7yo that it was almost bedtime and he said “Hmm, good to know, pork head”, so do I apply to be on Super Nanny now or


    If you love constantly cleaning, but never actually living in a clean house, parenthood is for you.


    There’s scary & then there’s hearing a toy talking for no reason in the middle of the night through a baby monitor scary


    Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy. Daughter: Can I have a Dorito? Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.



    Sorry I’m late, had to wait for my toddler to go through the 5 stages of grief putting on a pair of pants.


    You can say "please" and "thank you" a million times and your toddler will never repeat it, but if you say "ass-faced mother fucker" ONCE...


    [Toy Store] Customer: I’m looking for a toy that will help my baby learn to count but will also haunt him for the rest of his life. Me: I got you.

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