1.
asked my 5 year old if she was done with lunch and she stood up and said “I am done with lunch. AND I AM DONE WITH THIS WORLD!” then she threw half a hot pocket at me and ran out of the room crying and I have never had more respect for anyone
2.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time. 6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
3.
Last night I tucked my four-year-old into bed, gave him a hug and a kiss and said, “I love you so much,” and he responded, “Got it, see you tomorrow.”
4.
daughter: dad can we go see frozen 2 me: frozen to what lol daughter: dad i'm serious! me: hi serious, i'm dad hahaha just kidding, what's it about daughter: it's about 2 hours lmao
5.
6yo daughter after a long mountain bike ride: “It’s kind of like getting punched in the butt a thousand times.”
6.
This morning my son asked me if I lied a lot and that's why my nose is so big, but yeah I cherish every moment of parenthood.
7.
“There are six boys. How am I supposed to know who they are?” —my 5yo, when asked about a particular person in her kindergarten class
8.
Me: hey bud, what are you excited about at your first day of preschool? 4yo: the fight area Me: uh, there’s no fight area? Him: yeah there’s a jungle gym with a fight area My 4-year-old is apparently ready to fuck some shit up in a toddler thunderdome
9.
“Mummy, why are there hookers in a car?” Turns out my 5yo doesn’t know the word ‘hangers’
10.
Asked my 5yo “what should we do tonight” and she started giggling and said “drink daddy’s blood” so I’m pretty much just tweeting this to get everything on the record before I go missing
11.
My 7yo’s first Yelp review, left for me in her lunch box. Well geez!
12.
My 5yo coming out of the kitchen and screaming "I NEED SOMEONE TO LISTEN TO MY STORY!" is really just all of us.
13.
*fire alarm test* Me: we're going to practise what we do when the fire alarm goes off.... *alarm sounds* Me: so what do we do? 6yo: QUICK, EJACULATE, EJACULATE! Me:*long pause*.... that's right EVACUATE!
14.
6yo: mom, who sings this? Me: Queen 6yo: can you let them sing it Me: damn My job here is done he's ready
15.
6yo: I hope you live forever. Me: Oh that’s sweet. 6yo: Because even when I’m an old man I’m going to ask you to wipe my butt.