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    Posted on Dec 15, 2017

    15 Holiday Tweets So Funny You'll Spit Out Your Eggnog

    Christmas sweater? Haha no I sweat all year round.


    HER: 🎶 I really can't stay 🎶 ME: 🎶 But baby, it's cold outside 🎶 HER: 🎶 Actually, global temperatures on average…


    paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa] me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on


    Christmas sweater? Haha no I sweat all year round


    I love Little Drummer Boy because I love the mental image of this rando kid going apeshit on his drum in front of this fuckin newborn baby


    I don't want a lot for Christmas There is just one thing I need I don't care about the presents Underneath the Chri…


    HIM: isn't wintertime just so romantic ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely


    *tangled in Christmas lights and hanging upside down from the roof* Her: that’s not the right way


    Me: You know that song "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer"? Son: Yeah? Me: Well in this case it was a Chevy.


    how to make a christmas song 1. add sleigh bells 2. that’s it, you’re done


    Me: it’s about to be lit af Mom: just light the menorah ffs


    The Grinch is more relatable than Santa Claus tbh.


    The real Christmas miracle is that the Whoville prosecuting attorney didn't charge The Grinch with breaking & entering and grand larceny.


    LITTLE DRUMMER BOY: I have no gift to bring to lay before the king... shall I play for you parumpapumpum on my drum…


    you've heard of elf on a shelf have you heard of turning on your blinker BEFORE you turn


    Them: “Do you remember that part in #AChristmasPrince where...” Me: “I remember everything about that masterpiece...go on.”

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