1.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it's over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
2.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window. I told him, "You did a good job, but it's actually supposed to go in like this." I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window. There is no moral to this story.
3.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
4.
date: my favorite book is 1984 me: oh who wrote that? date: george orwell me: ah yes [adjusting my glasses] the popcorn man
5.
All 2 minutes are worth the watch
6.
facebook, holding me by the shirt collar: hey, remember 2008 me: you don’t have to do this facebook: remember *punches me in the gut* what was on your mind in 2008 me: *coughs up blood* please- facebook, standing over me with a metal folding chair: “IS BORED LOL RAWR xD”
7.
wow huge congrats to toilet
8.
mrs weasley: dont forget to say “diagon alley” very clearly harry: https://t.co/3vCSOwbZIE
9.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
10.
Security to aisle 7. Shoplifting in progress. There's no rush. 📹: https://t.co/KmDt8uRgAa
11.
now I'm falling asleep and she's calling a crab and they're having a smoke and he's wearing a hat
12.
The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
13.
I hate going to weddings because I always wake up to a video someone took of me drunk dancing
14.
at the gym i said subscription instead of membership and the girl replied with 'lol this isnt a pharmacy'. bitch thats a prescription were both stupid
15.
Me *orders our food fluently in Italian to impress my date* McDonalds drive-thru employee: what
16.
[phone rings] mary kate: olsen & olsen mystery agency! ashley: we solve any crime by dinnertime! [beat] mary kate: [covers phone] he says his wife's been shot ashley: hang up
17.
My friend’s dog, Max, finally caught its tail, and then didn’t know what to do with itself anymore.
18.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye] "Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye."
19.
sometimes having a family amazon account is.....embarassing
20.
Our relationship with ants is weird. Ants are, like, "Hey, I only want these crumbs, ok?" and we're all, "No you motherfucking will not."
21.
Which is the hardest for you to say: 1. I love you 2. I was wrong, I’m sorry 3. I need help 4. Worcestershire Sauce 5. I appreciate you
22.
"Wow 3 tattoos.. those are pretty permanent you know" Me: wow 3 kids... those are pretty damn permanent CAROL
23.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning me: im gonna try to become left handed
24.
[At a bar] Guy: Did it hurt? Me: What? G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
25.
Me explaining My love for my Dog and how I Would die for him My dog
26.
Just saw a very stoned young man in the 7/11 look at the selection of chips sadly and say softly “there’s too many of you”
27.
Looking in the rear view mirror gave me a freaking heart attack today. My daughter’s elephant mask is nightmare fuel and children are just terrifying.
28.
What’s fortnight
29.
her: i’m in a sorority me trying to impress her: *nervous* oh really i’m uh- i’m in a frat her: is it kappa sig me: *visibly sweating, has already forgotten what she said* ya im in peppa pig
30.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, "AGAIN??" it's like, you know what, you're right, I'm cancelling my subscription.
31.
In 1998 I *begged* my mom to buy me JNCO jeans. She agreed, but only on the condition we do a photoshoot to prove to my future self how stupid I looked. Look who's laughing now, mom.
32.
my ubereats delivery man decided to be a smart ass......
33.
I wonder what it's like to be able to put your hair in a low ponytail and not look like a founding father
34.
RUNNER: this is called "carbo-loading. we eat lots of heavy food ME: that's great. love it RUNNER: then we go for a nice long run ME: no
35.
Should I take my dog to the vet
36.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that's a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
37.
yoooo, they revoked his medical license.
38.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
39.
me walking to my parents room at 2am telling them i threw up
40.
im crying im so happy for them
41.
Mother: can you please fix my computer Me: *leans back in chair* well... well ... well ... if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
42.
my organs: ...water....pls.. me, pouring a glass of wine: come get y’all juice!!
43.
[me doing body positivity] I love my skin prison
44.
me when someone tries to get to know me
45.
this is how lil kids cough
46.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
47.
I dropped a box of spaghetti on the ground and accidentally graduated from Art School.
48.
I overheard a guy saying to his girlfriend "are you ready to fucking rage" as they walked into target together and that's what I want
49.
Mother: can you please fix my computer Me: *leans back in chair* well... well ... well ... if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
50.
Boy do I love sex. Really love putting my penis into some *looks at smudged writing on hand* verguba
51.
My brother has been replacing family photos with pics of Steve Buscemi and my mom hasn't noticed
52.
[guy who's about to invent croutons] *eating salad* i wish this hurt
53.
It was princess day at dance and one little girl came as a hot dog I have never admired someone more
54.
Atlantis Dolphin Bay Instructor: "Gently kiss the dolphin" My nephew:
55.
???? is my hamster on crack
56.
I’ve been laughing at this for like ten minutes please send help
57.
*someone hands me a baby* Oh... no thank you *places baby on the ground*
58.
Uber driver: ........... Me: .......... Uber driver: .......... Me: 5 stars.
59.
So today I was lookin at a girl bcuz she had a piece of lettuce in her hair & she looks at me and said "I have a boyfriend" ok lettuce head
60.
The most amazing thing about Finding Dory is how they managed to put a receding hairline on a fish
61.
ME: I look cute MIRRORS: you look cute STORE WINDOWS: you look cute OTHER PEOPLE: you look cute IPHONE FORWARD-FACING CAMERA: what’s up you Shrek-lookin bag of bitch
62.
are they bowling to represent soup??? or to win soup???
63.
Nobody talks about Jesus' miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
64.
" work until your bank account looks like a phone number "
65.
STOP ENCOURAGING EVERYONE TO GO TO COLLEGE THERE IS NOT ENOUGH PARKING
66.
obtuse rubber goose green moose guava juice giant snake birthday cake large fries chocolate shake https://t.co/mO9yYHXjYx
67.
Javert: AND I AM JAVERT, DO NOT FORGET MY NAME IKEA: got it
68.
When you're so high on dentist gas the Water Buffalo Of Drugs visits you.
69.
If I pay $40 for a haunted house I better die
70.
Saw a thicc ass starfish at the aquarium today 😌
71.
friend: how are things? me: things are good! narrator: things were not good
72.
When you check bae's phone and he texting a bitch named "Ariel."
73.
Honestly my take away from this chart is that donuts are healthier than I thought https://t.co/VCs5ZCPQqE
74.
WHAT IF YOU GOT THIS FOR UR MAN WITHOUT LOOKING INSIDE FIRST
75.
Me checking my bank account and calling my friends to make plans anyway
76.
let her perform her spells in peace https://t.co/DFA1GxTvZu
77.
Me leaving the house without eating breakfast, dehydrated, and with 2 hours of sleep
78.
[hiding in pantry from murderer] [quietly tries to open bag of chips]
79.
I don't know why we have three different pig emojis but it's great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching: 🐖 🐷 🐽
80.
Can someone write an article on millenials killing the doorbell industry by texting "here"
81.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles: 1) Find My Fish Son 2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs 3) Peter Pot 4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face 5) It's Cold
82.
ACCIDENTALLY PASTED THIS INTO AN EMAIL INSTEAD OF MY E-SIGNATURE, AND IN MY PANIC TO DELETE IT MANAGED TO SEND IT. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.
83.
When I pick my daughter up from day care she screams “DADDY!” and runs towards me for a hug and it’s like be cool bitch you look desperate.
84.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
85.
I regret trying to take a cute panorama of my dog
86.
Mom: “Come help me get the groceries out of the car” Me:
87.
YOU MISSPELLED ONE WORD ON SOCIAL MEDIA AND HERE COME AKEELAH AND THE BEE
88.
When you’re on a roller coaster and you know the camera is coming up
89.
Does anyone actually know what you're suppose to do when people are singing happy birthday to you
90.
*watching James Blunt mouth "not you" to me after singing You're Beautiful in concert*
91.
me: I’m hungry fridge: great news, I’m full of foods you selected me: no, not like that
92.
[First sunset] HIM: HER: HIM: HER: HIM: HER: HIM: Is that… you think that’s a problem?
93.
not sure what’s going on but I think the amazon support guy and I are dating now
94.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
95.
the last time i went to urgent care i checked off “excessive crying” on the symptom list and the nurse got really confused and told me that was meant for babies
96.
lady on this beach just yelled “not my chips you BITCH” at a seagull
97.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out "Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here". I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me "Who are you?". I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
98.
Me: how do I do my taxes Public School: shut the fuck up and square dance
99.
Date: What do you do? Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
100.
I started crying in class because I tried to draw a chameleon from memory