1.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
2.
harry potter: i’m depressed dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it harry: yeah dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
3.
fall is almost here and if you think I’m gonna be wearing sweaters and sipping cocoa and digging up bones and dancing with pumpkins and accidentally resurrecting a trio of old witches you’re completely right.
4.
Ladies, if he: - ignores text messages - likes when his sister plays piano - can’t provide for his family - enjoys moldy food - wakes up one day realizing he’s a gigantic insect He's not your man. He's Gregor Samsa from Franz Kafka's The Metamorphosis.
5.
Beatrice: Against my will, I am sent to bid you come in to dinner. Benedick:
6.
Tolkien: *spends 40 years developing a 6000 year span of histories, cultures, and cosmologies for multiple races and civilizations, including full linguistic systems, in service of his fantasy epic* also Tolkien: the tree’s name is..treebeard
7.
harry potter if he was a vlogger 1. i killed my professor 2. HOW TO SURVIVE A BASILISK ATTACK (w/ tips) 3. my stalker tried to kill me 4. i saw my crush’s boyfriend die? 5. O.W.L.S vlog (gone wrong!) 6. girlfriend tag! (ft. ginny weasley) 7. I DIED + CAME BACK (not clickbait)
8.
no one: lady macbeth:
9.
5-year-old: *slides a curly fry on her finger like a ring* Me: Are you married? 5: I'm Frodo.
10.
No offense but I was raised to “take care” of my husband. Wash his clothes, clean the house, construct fake diaries insinuating he wanted to hurt me, elaborately fake my own death and frame him for murder
11.
RONALD WEASLEY! HOW DARE YOU STEAL THAT CAR? I AM ABSOUTELY DISGUSTED! YOUR FATHER'S NOW FACING AN INQUIRY AT WORK, AND IT'S ENTIRELY YOUR FAULT! IF YOU PUT ANOTHER TOE OUT OF LINE, WE'LL BRING YOU STRAIGHT HOME! and ginny, dear, congratulations on making it into gryffindor https://t.co/YSG3q8G0XR
12.
A single man in possession of a good fortune must, and I cannot stress this enough, be in want of a wife.
13.
My sister talks a lot of smack to me for someone who used to kiss her cardboard cutout of Edward Cullen every night in 2009 lmaoooo I AIN’T FORGET
14.
┏┓ ┃┃╱╲ in ┃╱╱╲╲ this ╱╱╭╮╲╲ house ▔▏┗┛▕▔ we ╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲ still aren’t over the fact that Odysseus’s dog waited for him for 20 years, saw him one last time, wagged his tail, and then died ╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲ ▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
15.
me: i hate clichés author: they have to stay in a hotel and there’s only one room with one bed left and they have to share the bed and- me: *giddy with glee* omg they have to stay in a hotel and there’s only ONE ROOM with ONE BED left and they have to SHARE THE BED AND-
16.
Mercutio, dying, yelling at both Tybalt and Romeo: Both your houses are fucking canceled
17.
you ever feel the wind blowing through your hair and suddenly you're walking along the ramparts of a tall castle? your brothers told you ladies can’t fight but you can wield a sword better than any of them.
18.
Me: Mr. and Mrs. Weasley probably had a normal sex life JK Rowling: *inhales*
19.
About once ever six months, I remember how in Twilight, the girl thinks her boyfriend might be a vampire and so then she does a google image search for "vampire"
20.
At the bookstore: Me: "Do yall have any books on turtles" Cashier: "Hard back?" Me: "Yeah, with little heads"
21.
Macbeth when his Macbeth wife first suggests when his killing Duncan wife insists