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23 Sex Talk Horror Stories That'll Give You Secondhand Embarrassment

"I used to think sperm went through people’s mouths when they were kissing."

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We recently asked members of the BuzzFeed Community to tell us how they learned about the birds and the bees. Here are some of their responses:

1. Humans grow like Cabbage Patch Kids.

"My parents never explained it to me or my sister. We just assumed we came from cabbage patches, like a Cabbage Patch Doll. Over time, we figured that wasn’t the case."—madelinel4ab777e8b
alamosbasement // CC BY 2.0 / Via Flickr: alamosbasement

"My parents never explained it to me or my sister. We just assumed we came from cabbage patches, like a Cabbage Patch Doll. Over time, we figured that wasn’t the case."

madelinel4ab777e8b

2. Some people learn by example...

Disney

"I walked in on my parents having sex, and that's when I had to sit through a painfully awkward lecture about what happens when a man and a woman love each other very much."

mackkenzziee

3. Some by sheer force...

NBC / Via youtube.com

"I had been strategically dodging ~the talk~. My mom ended up creating a fake trip, locked me in the car, and gave me the talk while she drove around so I couldn’t escape."

SuzyQ1989

4. You either use it or you lose it.

TBS / Via replygif.net

"The day I graduated from college, my dad said, 'Use it or lose it.'"

mikem423acb8bb

5. "You've got mail!"

Warner Bros. / Via youtube.com

"My parents emailed me. Yeah."

joyp4d4725ca2

6. The Internet is a big, beautiful (and dirrrty) place.

BBC / Via fuckyeahitcrowd.tumblr.com

"My parents never explained sex or sexual orientation to me. I had to figure it out like most sheltered children do: fanfiction sex."

Charles Edward Cox

7. Certain things come in pairs.

instagram.com

"My parents gave me a book on human anatomy and sexuality. When I was in third grade, we started learning our multiplication tables. We were told to go around the classroom and name pairs of things. I proceeded to list out every anatomical pair we have in our bodies: eyes, ears, testicles, ovaries, fallopian tubes, kidneys, etc. My teacher was horrified and I was sent to the principal's office."

trashpanda

8. Kissing is the number one cause of pregnancy.

"I never had any kind of conversation with my parents. I used to think sperm went through people’s mouths when they were kissing, and that’s how babies were made. My friend ended up telling me the truth when we were nine."—hannahlcoates
New Line Cinema / Via gurl.com

"I never had any kind of conversation with my parents. I used to think sperm went through people’s mouths when they were kissing, and that’s how babies were made. My friend ended up telling me the truth when we were nine."

hannahlcoates

9. Grandma knows a thing or two about doggie style.

CBS / Via theloop.ca

"My grandmother started off with, 'You ever seen two dogs stuck together,' and then proceeded to tell me how that happened."

—Dee Montgomery, Facebook

10. Babies are like Xenomorphs.

20th Century Fox / Via livecre8tive.tumblr.com

"I remember asking where babies came from when I was four and my mom said, 'The stomach.' I thought that was the worst thing I had ever heard because I really thought she meant the baby would just burst out of the stomach."

Kathen36

11. The steering wheel is kinda like a vagina.

"My mother locked me in the car and explained the female anatomy using the steering wheel. I had very conflicting feelings about steering wheels for a long time after that."—maddieh4e9ce9e66
Jim Hickcox // CC BY-NC 2.0 / Via Flickr: cryptozoologist

"My mother locked me in the car and explained the female anatomy using the steering wheel. I had very conflicting feelings about steering wheels for a long time after that."

maddieh4e9ce9e66

12. When a man and a woman like each other, they go to the movies and go all the way.

Prada / Via psychictwinsrph.tumblr.com

"When I was eight, my mom sat me down and said, 'When a man and a woman like each other, they go to the movies together and get to know each other.' She went on to explain sex, but I got stuck on the movies part. I thought that going to the movies with a guy meant you had to have sex with him. When a boy asked me out in sixth grade, I freaked out!"

jenniferj32

13. A woman's body is a beautiful garden.

New Line Cinema / Via youtube.com

"When I was in third grade, my mom used an awful garden metaphor. She told me my body was a 'beautiful garden' and a man’s semen was a 'seed' that is planted in my garden. It was all fine until she decided to explain how the seed gets ‘planted’ in graphic detail. I still can’t think of gardening without cringing in horror."

anikaestherm

14. Blaze the trail for your siblings.

Fox / Via ceceschmidt.tumblr.com

"When I was over at a friend's house, we noticed her older sister left out a book on sex and we read the entire thing. My mom was pregnant at the time, so when my brother asked where babies came from, I just turned to him and said, 'Michael, you don't want to know.'"

—Maggie Colton, Facebook

15. Pop-up books are the best learning tools.

Via tatteredcover.tumblr.com

"My mom handed me a pop-up book. A POP-UP BOOK. When I was done, she asked me if I had any questions. I was in fourth grade."

oliviap4489da4a9

16. So are telenovelas.

The CW / Via Hulu

"Growing up, our whole family would gather around and watch telenovelas. When a sex scene came on, we got all the details on what was happening. It was never a mystery and we never really cared about it."

allison

17. Plumbing can be very sexy.

NBC / Via youtube.com

"My dad took me to Home Depot. We went to the plumbing aisle and he got some coupling and a piece of PVC pipe. Explanation accomplished."

trentons11

18. The birds bite and the bees sting.

Roadside Attractions / Via gifmovie.tumblr.com

"My grandfather told me, 'The birds bite, the bees sting, and that’s all you need to know.'"

QtotheWERTY

19. Betrayed by television.

NBC / Via reddit.com

"I come from a conservative family, so it wasn't until I was 17 that my mom told me about the birds and the bees. She caught me watching a sex scene in a movie and all she said was, 'I guess you know that now. But we only do that when we get married.' She walked away like it was no big deal. I stared at the wall for 10 minutes because I was in shock."

monabib

20. Picture books are nice.

When I was younger, I was given a book called Where Did I Come From. When I got older, I was given a book called What's Happening to Me by the same author.—Tammy Lovato Bennett, Facebook
Amazon / Via amazon.com

When I was younger, I was given a book called Where Did I Come From. When I got older, I was given a book called What's Happening to Me by the same author.

—Tammy Lovato Bennett, Facebook

21. Nope. Nope. Nope.

"That graphic picture book that went viral a while back—I had that as a small child, and that’s where my sex ed came from. When it was suddenly everywhere, I thought it was really strange because I'd never thought of it as odd before that."—amykatherineh
Piccolo Books / Via buzzfeed.com

"That graphic picture book that went viral a while back—I had that as a small child, and that’s where my sex ed came from. When it was suddenly everywhere, I thought it was really strange because I'd never thought of it as odd before that."

amykatherineh

22. Parents can be scary.

NBC / Via jirosc.tumblr.com

"My parents never had that conversation with me. Every time I vaguely mentioned the subject, my mom would turn to me and say in this really deep voice, 'Do you really want to know? Really? Because I can tell you.' It sounded so horrifying that I always said no. I just trusted my school and the internet to teach me."

cnomad

23. Some people are still waiting.

Nickelodeon / Via reddit.com

"My parents never told me."

—Kathy Felps, Facebook

Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.

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