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23 Sex Talk Horror Stories That'll Give You Secondhand Embarrassment

"I used to think sperm went through people’s mouths when they were kissing."

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We recently asked members of the BuzzFeed Community to tell us how they learned about the birds and the bees. Here are some of their responses:

1. Humans grow like Cabbage Patch Kids.

alamosbasement // CC BY 2.0 / Via Flickr: alamosbasement

"My parents never explained it to me or my sister. We just assumed we came from cabbage patches, like a Cabbage Patch Doll. Over time, we figured that wasn’t the case."


2. Some people learn by example...


"I walked in on my parents having sex, and that's when I had to sit through a painfully awkward lecture about what happens when a man and a woman love each other very much."



7. Certain things come in pairs.

"My parents gave me a book on human anatomy and sexuality. When I was in third grade, we started learning our multiplication tables. We were told to go around the classroom and name pairs of things. I proceeded to list out every anatomical pair we have in our bodies: eyes, ears, testicles, ovaries, fallopian tubes, kidneys, etc. My teacher was horrified and I was sent to the principal's office."



8. Kissing is the number one cause of pregnancy.

New Line Cinema / Via

"I never had any kind of conversation with my parents. I used to think sperm went through people’s mouths when they were kissing, and that’s how babies were made. My friend ended up telling me the truth when we were nine."


9. Grandma knows a thing or two about doggie style.

CBS / Via

"My grandmother started off with, 'You ever seen two dogs stuck together,' and then proceeded to tell me how that happened."

—Dee Montgomery, Facebook

10. Babies are like Xenomorphs.

20th Century Fox / Via

"I remember asking where babies came from when I was four and my mom said, 'The stomach.' I thought that was the worst thing I had ever heard because I really thought she meant the baby would just burst out of the stomach."


11. The steering wheel is kinda like a vagina.

Jim Hickcox // CC BY-NC 2.0 / Via Flickr: cryptozoologist

"My mother locked me in the car and explained the female anatomy using the steering wheel. I had very conflicting feelings about steering wheels for a long time after that."



12. When a man and a woman like each other, they go to the movies and go all the way.

Prada / Via

"When I was eight, my mom sat me down and said, 'When a man and a woman like each other, they go to the movies together and get to know each other.' She went on to explain sex, but I got stuck on the movies part. I thought that going to the movies with a guy meant you had to have sex with him. When a boy asked me out in sixth grade, I freaked out!"


13. A woman's body is a beautiful garden.

New Line Cinema / Via

"When I was in third grade, my mom used an awful garden metaphor. She told me my body was a 'beautiful garden' and a man’s semen was a 'seed' that is planted in my garden. It was all fine until she decided to explain how the seed gets ‘planted’ in graphic detail. I still can’t think of gardening without cringing in horror."


14. Blaze the trail for your siblings.

Fox / Via

"When I was over at a friend's house, we noticed her older sister left out a book on sex and we read the entire thing. My mom was pregnant at the time, so when my brother asked where babies came from, I just turned to him and said, 'Michael, you don't want to know.'"

—Maggie Colton, Facebook


16. So are telenovelas.

The CW / Via Hulu

"Growing up, our whole family would gather around and watch telenovelas. When a sex scene came on, we got all the details on what was happening. It was never a mystery and we never really cared about it."


19. Betrayed by television.

NBC / Via

"I come from a conservative family, so it wasn't until I was 17 that my mom told me about the birds and the bees. She caught me watching a sex scene in a movie and all she said was, 'I guess you know that now. But we only do that when we get married.' She walked away like it was no big deal. I stared at the wall for 10 minutes because I was in shock."



20. Picture books are nice.

Amazon / Via

When I was younger, I was given a book called Where Did I Come From. When I got older, I was given a book called What's Happening to Me by the same author.

—Tammy Lovato Bennett, Facebook

21. Nope. Nope. Nope.

Piccolo Books / Via

"That graphic picture book that went viral a while back—I had that as a small child, and that’s where my sex ed came from. When it was suddenly everywhere, I thought it was really strange because I'd never thought of it as odd before that."


22. Parents can be scary.

NBC / Via

"My parents never had that conversation with me. Every time I vaguely mentioned the subject, my mom would turn to me and say in this really deep voice, 'Do you really want to know? Really? Because I can tell you.' It sounded so horrifying that I always said no. I just trusted my school and the internet to teach me."


Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.

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