What's The Worst Thing That Will Happen To You This Year?
While trying to show off for someone you want to impress, a disgruntled reclining chair with a vendetta against you will exact its petty revenge. You will be the laughing stock of the whole town. Avoid furniture stores at all costs.
While casually hopping over a chain at your local supermarket in a pathetic effort to look "cool," you will inadvertently knock over a display, setting in motion a chain of events that will humble and humiliate you, changing the course of your life. Be EXTREMELY careful any time you are around produce this year.
While attempting to show off your cool dance moves to a friend, you will dramatically misjudge a treadmill, causing you to be the laughingstock not just of your community, but the entire nation. Cancel your gym membership today.
A day that will start like any other will end in the ultimate humiliation for you. After fumbling the toilet paper at a key moment in a public bathroom, you will never be able to look anyone in the eye again. Always hold it until you get home this year, just to be safe.
One minute, you will be casually making a nice dinner for yourself, and the next, you will be watching, in horrifying slow motion, as the pizza you thought was your friend crashes through the air and faceplants irrevocably onto the kitchen floor. Your life will never be the same. Stear clear of ovens this year.
Innocent and completely unsuspecting, you will sit, roll, and swivel your way to utter destruction this year. With your pants and your self-respect in tatters, it will be months before you can pick up the pieces of your ruined life and move on. Wear shorts this year, even in winter.
At the edge of starvation one afternoon, you will stumble upon a snack machine, believing yourself to be saved. But that is where your nightmare will begin. After observing the horrors that snack machines are capable of perpetrating in cold blood, you will begin to question whether there is any justice or goodness in the world, changing the course of your entire life.
Upon waking up, you will not realize that you are about to have the worst morning ever, but as soon as you rip open that pop tart package, it will be too late to do anything about it. Your grisly doom will be staring you in the face. The best thing you can do for yourself this year is to try and sleep through breakfast as much as possible.
You'll just be going about your day one day, minding your own business, when all of a sudden you will be knocked down by a shaking ass on a rampage. It's going to be awful. You will probably never recover. Be very wary of bottoms this year.
One minute you will be singing happily to yourself, dreaming up your brilliant shower dreams, and the next your life will be in horrible, soapy disarray. Nothing will ever be the same. Avoid roommates this year at all costs.
Everything will be going really, really, really well, and then out of nowhere it'll all go south as the world's worst kisser strikes again. On you. There will be no turning back. There will be no kissing ever again. The memory will be too hard to erase. Avoid lips this year at all costs.
After innocently getting onto a bus or train, you will suddenly and with increasing horror, realize that the outfit you chose perfectly matches the seats, causing you to question all of your life choices and never leave the house again. To avoid this nightmare scenario, never leave the house again.