4. Falling asleep on the job.
Falling asleep on the job serves two purposes for a cat: It involves falling asleep, which is an end in itself, and it is an essential play in the significant lowering of expectations that is the lynchpin of any serious cat’s long-term political strategy.
5. Babar the elephant
Cats and Babar the elephant have something of an uncertain peace — for instance, they certainly don’t see eye to eye viz. Babar’s dictatorial political ambitions — but he is soft and snuggly, and that goes a long way during naptime.
If you record something on your TiVo but you forget to watch it, did the show happen, or is it permanently in a quantum state of both happening and not happening? This is called “Schrodingers TiVo,” and cats like to watch it disrupt the universe from the safety of the box it came in.
10. Acting like they have seen a ghost.
The truth of the matter is that normally when cats see ghosts, they just completely ignore them. Cats couldn’t care less about ghosts. This whole act is simply for the sheer sadistic pleasure of giving you the goddamn heebie-jeebies.
11. Coors Light
Cats don’t enjoy Coors Light for its cool, refreshing taste, or even for its unique suitability for balancing on the old noggin. The truth is that most cats were fans of Nascar driver Sterling Marlin in the early aughts, when he drove the Number 40 Coors Light Chevrolet for Sabco. They like the fact that he killed Dale Earnhardt.
13. Dressing up as wizards.
Cats can’t get enough of dressing up as wizards. It helps them remember that magic truly exists, and that it resides in our hearts, and in the claws that will wreak unholy havoc on whoever thought it would be funny to put that conical hat on them.
Finally, cats really, really like to be organized. Just because you are a cat does not mean that the world can feel free to descend into unlabeled, uncategorized chaos. Nobody wins when that happens.