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Oct 7, 2014

15 Irrefutable Reasons Why Cats Are Better Than Dogs

In my new book, 67 Reasons Why Cats Are Better Than Dogs, I settle the question of cats vs. dogs once and for all. Using science and logic. Here are just a few of the reasons why cats are better.

1. Cats are better athletes

This dog trying out for her local soccer team has succeeded merely in chewing on the ball.

This cat, meanwhile, has transcended soccer entirely. This cat is soccer.

2. Cats are more graceful dancers.

Ballroom dancing requires enthusiasm, grace, dexterity, stamina, and style. Dogs have enthusiasm.

Cats, in fairness, lack enthusiasm, but on the rare and exquisite occasions when they can be persuaded to dance, the sheer beauty of their craft can bring an audience to tears.

3. Cats are braver and more reliable.

These cats, with only a stuffed reindeer to help them, have pulled their beloved owners over 700 miles in the bitter snows of Alaska.

Shamefully, this dog has given up midway through the race, compelling his own team to push him through the snow for the rest of the way.

4. Cats are better problem solvers.

Cats commonly use their lateral thinking skills to solve massively complex logic puzzles such as the classic “inaccessible toy mouse beyond the door” brain-teaser pictured here.

Dogs, however, find the very concept of “door” to be intellectually out of reach.

5. Cats help the helpless.

In this moving photograph, a cat takes time out of her busy day to help an injured dog test the durability of his face cone.

Dogs, on the other hand, see any occasion when they are around sick people as an opportunity to soak up all the attention for themselves.

6. Cats are more loyal than dogs.

Cats will age gracefully with you, they will learn and change and grow as you learn and change and grow, and they will comfort and support you throughout the entirety of your life.

Here, a heartless dog informs his owner that he is leaving her for a younger woman.

7. Cats look better in selfies.

In this beautifully framed photograph, a cat and her assistant conjure the essence of human experience in the face of the void that is existence.

This smug egotist is wasting his owner's phone storage with yet another disgusting nude pic.

8. Cats are more professional.

Here, a brilliant cat CEO prepares for another hard day turning a small startup into a Fortune 500 company.

This recently fired dog hasn't even bothered to update his resumé.

9. Cats are more inspiring.

This majestic creature is about to give a speech that will inspire cats everywhere to fight against injustice and stand up against oppression.

This dog has stolen the toddler's rocking horse and is trying in vain to make a quick getaway.

10. Cats will protect your family.

Here, a vigilant guard cat stands watch over the nursery throughout the night.

This selfish dog is so paranoid and afraid that he has engaged the services of a "guard baby" to protect him.

11. Cats are better chefs.

Here, a world-class cat pizza chef delicately tastes one of her new creations to ensure that it meets her exacting culinary standards.

This dog is a very few seconds from losing his job at the restaurant.

12. Cats are more thoughtful.

Here, a cat philosopher contemplates the difficult problem of whether we are always already part of an immersive totality or whether we are perceiving subjects in a world full of objects.


Meanwhile, this dog has just realized he left the oven on.

13. Cats are braver.

It is an old and wise adage that “even the most fearsome footwear is no match for a determined cat.”

This dog is frightened by socks.

14. Cats have better eyebrows.

Here is a dog with eyebrows.

Instagram: @samhaseyebrows

Meanwhile, this cat has given new meaning to eyebrows. This cat has raised eyebrows to an artform. This cat will make you question your own eyebrows for the rest of your life.

15. And cats follow their dreams.

This cat is willing to drop everything at a moment's notice to chase after what she truly wants in life, no matter what challenges or difficulties lie ahead.

Here, a puppy literally runs away from his dreams.