79 Thoughts Two Idiot Americans Had During This Week’s Episode Of Tatort

We don’t speak any German, and we had never heard of Tatort before this Sunday, but we can confidently agree that we solved the mystery before anyone else did.

ARD, Das Erste

1. HUNDSTAGE. I think this show is about dogs. Cop dogs. Dogs who are cops. This is going to be fucking awesome.

ARD, Das Erste

2. The intro makes it seem like it’s gonna be some fun swinging ’60s cop show like Hawaii Five-0, and then the show opens with a dog searching the woods for a body, presumably of a child.

3. Everyone seems angry with each other in this show. Lighten up, guys. You’re never going to solve crimes with that attitude!

4. This cop is so fucking heroic, but he shouldn’t be swimming on a full stomach.

5. These two people just fucking drowned in like 10 feet of water, and the main cop is showing off his floating skills?

ARD, Das Erste

6. The only thing that makes this cop happy is fast food. He is eating to forget.

7. All the men on this show have beards to hide their sadness.

ARD, Das Erste

8. This show is all beards and shouting.

9. “Beards and Shouting: The True Life Story of the World’s Saddest Policemen.”

10. Except for hot cop. She seems very cosmopolitan and gentle. I think I am in love with her.

ARD, Das Erste

11. The mystery is: Why did these people drown 10 feet from the shore? This is going to be pretty tough for Tatort to figure out.

12. Oh man, she did it. The blonde definitely did it. I solved this whole mystery and Tatort is still staring at his fucking shoes.

ARD, Das Erste

13. The cops have a cop car, a surveillance van, and a hearse, as their main vehicles. Seems pretty pessimistic.

14. Why does Tatort make Blonde-tort do all the hard stuff? “Hey, can you go and tell that lady about her dead husband real quick while I sit in this car and brood?”

15. Now just whoever the fuck wants to is showing up at this lady’s house. Tatort’s dad is randomly here.

ARD, Das Erste

16. There is a lot of talking in cars. This show should be called “Serious Conversations in Cars.”

ARD, Das Erste

17. Tatort’s dad is always yelling at him. Maybe that’s why he’s so broody and sad all the time.

18. Hot Tatort and Beard-tort are the eccentric, goofball characters. They provide comic relief while Tatort is being ponderous and serious in a car.

19. Hot Tatort has such a nice smile.

20. Beardort got shut down SO FUCKING HARD by Hot Tatort. She doesn’t love you Beardort. She will never love you because you are UNLOVEABLE.

ARD, Das Erste

21. Hey Beardort - stop trying to be serious and cool like your hero, Tatort. You can’t pull it off and it just looks lame.

22. Tatort feels completely at home in a morgue. He’s, like, into death and stuff because he is so serious and sad.

23. Blonde Tatort is hiding something. Blonde Tatort did it for sure.

24. I don’t know what Beardort is saying, but I assume he’s trying to mansplain something to Blonde Tatort and Hotort cause they’re eyes are rolling SO FUCKING HARD at him.

25. OK, now I think the wife did it. Beardort is looking at her in this weird penetrating way that is either because she did it or because he is thinking about his eternal love for Hot Tatort.

ARD, Das Erste

26. Why did they let her go? SHE CLEARLY MURDERED HER HUSBAND.

27. They do have fun sometimes, though!

ARD, Das Erste

28. This secretary is so fucking guilty it hurts. She did it FOR SURE.

29. “Your boss died. He was cheating on his wife with a blonde lady as well as you. Neither of them could swim. :(“

ARD, Das Erste

30. Tatort has an extremely powerful and alluring walk.

31. Sweet shades, Beardort. Uh-oh – Hot-tort doesn’t like them. TAKE THEM OFF! ABORT MISSION!

ARD, Das Erste

 

32. Tatort and Blonde Tatort like to relax by watching young boys play soccer.

33. This is no time for a fucking social call, Tatort. People are DROWNING and no one can figure out why.

34. Soccer Boy definitely did it. Look at this cold-blooded killer playing a game of soccer after he just MURDERED SOMEBODY.

35. I don’t know why they’re after Soccer Boy, but Tatort is totally gonna DNA test that gum and SOCCER BOY IS GOING TO HAVE A LOT OF EXPLAINING TO DO.

ARD, Das Erste

 

36. It’s never gonna happen, Beardort. Hot-tort is way out of your fucking league.

37. WHAT???? BEARDORT PUNCHED TATORT AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHY?!

ARD, Das Erste

38. You know what? I would probably punch Tatort too. He needs to fucking lighten up.

39. He also needs to put on some anti-perspirant. Look at those pit stains. Make a fucking effort, Tatort.

ARD, Das Erste

40. You’re never going to be able to solve this crime if you don’t take care of yourself first, Tatort.

41. Why is everyone after fucking Tatort?! Leave this guy alone – he is having a rough year obviously.

42. Ahhhhh, Tatort is finally happy again because he’s enjoying some burgers and fries. It’s the only thing that brings him joy, other than the pills and the booze.

ARD, Das Erste

43. He’s completely unphased by the fact that his partner punched him in the face earlier.

44. And Blonde Tatort is coming around. She’s starting to like his brooding sensibility.

45. “Hey, let’s get back in the car and have a serious conversation. It’s the only thing I know how to do well.”

ARD, Das Erste

46. OMG SHE’S GOING IN FOR A KISS.

47. Blonde Tatort and Tatort are falling in love and necking. They are also weirdly driving drunk?

48. She is licking his ear, I think.

ARD, Das Erste

49. Something went wrong. Something went wrong. Tatort was just too broody to make it work.

50. Beardort is trying to solve his problems the only way anyone on this show knows how. By drinking alone.

ARD, Das Erste

51. Nice job, Tatort. You fucked the waitress from the only restaurant you ever go to. Now you can never eat again.

ARD, Das Erste

52. They’ve completely given up on solving this drowning mystery. They’re just descending into their own weird unhealthy obsessions with their colleagues.

53. Get a fucking chair, Tatort. You think you’re too good to sit down like the rest of us?

ARD, Das Erste

54. Ohhhh. Tatort used to have a family. That’s why he’s so sad.

ARD, Das Erste

55. Now he’s going to solve the mystery with his own drunkeness.

56. Look at how happy he was back when he had a family. :\

57. “Dear Tatort – We are sorry to inform you that your family has died. Now you must drink yourself to death, and you will never be happy again. Sincerely, the German Government”

ARD, Das Erste

58. Tatort is yelling at the lake. “Was ist los” “What is loss?” He is very existential.

ARD, Das Erste

59. They should take this serious conversation to the car.

60. Loving Peteort’s look. Fucking nerd. Nobody likes you, Peteort.

ARD, Das Erste

61. Tatort is drunk at work again. The only reason he hasn’t been fired is because his boss is his dad.

62. I have no idea what is happening here, but it looks like Tatort just blew the case wide open.

ARD, Das Erste

63. Daughter has quite the attitude. Nobody else is giving Tatort this much attitude. THE DAUGHTER IS GUILTY, TATORT. ARE YOU BLIND?

ARD, Das Erste

64. Uh-oh, boss-dad is here and he’s pissed. TATORT!!! WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS SLEEPING ON THE JOB AND GIVING GUNS TO SUSPECTS.

ARD, Das Erste

65. Now I think the blonde crackhead did it.

66. Now I think the secretary did it.

67. This show is really long.

68. Frozen shirt for Tatort! LOL

ARD, Das Erste

69. Put your shirt in the freezer, Beardtort. It’s a classic office joke that everyone enjoys.

ARD, Das Erste

70. Tatort’s dad always just shows up out of nowhere. “I just happened to be in this hospital room!”

ARD, Das Erste

71. I love Pete. He is the best. He has no role in this show, but he lights up the screen.

ARD, Das Erste

72. Everybody’s kids are dead in this show.

ARD, Das Erste

 

73. Have they still not solved this fucking mystery?

74. The real mystery is their relationship. Maybe that’s the problem.

75. Okay, I think I figured it out: Tatort thought Mean Wife was having an affair with Soccer Boy and that they had a kid together. Turns out Daughter and Soccer Boy had a kid though, and also Soccer Boy is Mean Wife’s son? Soccer Boy hired Crackhead Lady to murder Dead Husband, and I don’t know why exactly. MYSTERY SOLVED.

76. Wait, now just this random bystander did it?

ARD, Das Erste

77. Nice job solving the mystery, Tatort. It was someone who had nothing to do with anything you were investigating.

78. Tatort’s dad was a figment of his imagination? No body else interacted with him. :\

79. “We thank the State of Dortmund.” Remind me to avoid Dortmund – no one who lives there knows how to love.

ARD, Das Erste

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