Yesterday evening, in a candid interview with BuzzFeed Editor-in-Chief Ben Smith, New York "mayoral" candidate "Anthony Weiner" condescendingly suggested in no uncertain terms that cat videos were ephemeral, unimportant, and forgettable. AND I QUOTE: "You can do this," said Mr. Weiner, "or show videos of cats," (sarcastically!) "or whatever it is you do at BuzzFeed."
Well, sir. Obviously, you have never seen this "video of a cat," or whatever, in which two cats play patty-cake with each other.
Yes, Mr. Weiner, the cats play patty-cake with each other. But you probably never even bothered to click play, otherwise you would have known that. I take it that you also missed that infinitely brief but briefly infinite moment last year when a cat pushed a small cart across the world's stage and the universe almost shattered.
Of course you did. Otherwise you might have been more circumspect in your references to the art form. May I be so bold as to ask whether you even have a cat, Mr. Weiner? Or, more to the point, whether you have ever bothered to try to videotape one? Because if you had, you might know how IMMENSELY DIFFICULT it is to get a cat to be interesting with, say, a balloon?
... or a teddy bear?
... or, I don't know, a slide?
What's that you say, Mr. Weiner? You missed all those videos? How novel! Forgive me for having been misled into believing that you were an expert on "cat videos OR WHATEVER" based on your willingness to dismiss the entire medium yesterday evening.
Perhaps you'd care to dismiss this "CAT VIDEO OR WHATEVER" in which a cat inserts her entire body into a giant vase?
FACE FIRST. Face first, Mr. Weiner. Into a vase.
Apparently this breathtaking display was inadvertently excluded from your expansive and wide-ranging appreciation of these so-called videos of cats. or. whatever. that render you so unwaveringly bored.
Doubtless, you would remain similarly inattentive were you to happen upon a cat interrupting a weather report.
"An everyday occurrence!" you would say. "And a distraction from the important issues!" Important issues, like, say, FAMILY, Mr. Weiner?
"Important issues" like, say, morality?
Or perhaps you are more concerned about "important issues" like the daily struggle of each individual against the cruelty of an uncaring universe that threatens to crush them with its weight. I speak of our inexorable battle against the oppressive gravity that conspires to hold us back from the greatness which we can achieve if we would only try.
I am sorry if these issues leave you cold, Mr. Weiner. I am sorry if these matters are beneath you. Most of all, I am sorry that you will never know the ecstatic triumph that comes with the certain knowledge that on one fateful day in our short but momentous history upon this planet, a cat, dressed as a shark, chased a duck. ON A ROOMBA. A Roomba, Mr. Weiner.
I am sorry for you, Mr. Weiner. Good night.
Editorial Director, God King of BuzzFeed
Contact Jack Shepherd at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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