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75 Thoughts Every Runner Has While Running A Marathon

Why would anyone do this to themselves?

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1. It's finally happening! I'm so excited I could vomit. 

2. Actually, this is really easy. I feel amazing. 

3. Why is everyone here so attractive?

4. It's very nice of all these people to be cheering me on, but I don't feel like I totally deserve it after half a mile. Talk to me in about an hour, you lovely, cheerful people. 

5. That first mile just flew by. I only have to do 26 of these?

6. God, I hope I don't need to use one of those Port-A-Potties. 

7. I also hope that my nipples don't bleed. 

8. This is so much fun!

9. Way easier than a training run. Three miles gone and I barely even noticed. 

10. I'm going to punch that sign that says "Punch here for a powerup" to make the person holding it feel good about themselves. 

11. Whoa. Did that actually work? I feel totally powered up!

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12. I want to give all these spectators a high five, but I'm not sure I could take getting rejected. 

13. I'll just wait until someone makes the first "high-five" move and then go for it. 

14. Four miles gone already! That means I only have 22 more miles to go!

15. Wait, that math did not make me feel good at all.  

16. Let's not do the math for awhile and concentrate on getting through this first 10K.

17. When I've finished a half marathon, I'll only have half a marathon left to run.

18. That is the dumbest, most obvious thought it is possible to have. What is wrong with me?

19. When I've finished 14 miles, I'll only have 12 miles left to run, and I've already done 6, which is half of that!

20. Oh my God, please stop with the math.

21. My heart is brimming with love for all the amazing spectators and all my fellow runners. We are all equal today.

22. Except that dude who just blew by me. Where does he think he's going in such a hurry?

23. Also, is it wrong to silently judge all the people who are "only" running 13.1 miles?

24. Because I am judging them. Even though a lot of them seem to be way faster than I am.

25. Why does everyone hate Christopher Walken so much?

26. Oh. "No Walken." Either that is way funnier than it should be or I'm in an oddly delicate emotional state right now.

27. I never knew that people cheering you on could actually make such a huge difference!

28. Ugh, it was a huge mistake to speed up to catch that person. Now they're just pulling ahead of me and it feels like we are in a race. 

29. We are in a race. 

30. This is the moment when the half marathon people finish and the marathon people keep going. Nobody would judge me if I just finished now, right?

31. Oh God, I kept going. Now I have to do this whole thing all over again except this time I'm starting out exhausted. 

32. Except … I'm feeling pretty damn good! Maybe all that training has paid off and I can just breeze all the way to the finish line! 

33. OK, I feel terrible now. 

34. This seemed like such a good idea four months ago.

35. I actually paid actual money to be doing this. My own money that I earned by working a job went towards paying for me to have this ordeal. 

36. I am literally dying at this moment and there is a man wearing a full costume and running beside me who looks like he's out for an easy jog. 

37. Who the hell goes out for a 14-mile run and then is like, "now, instead of stopping and going home, I will run 12 more miles"? 

38. The first person who did this DIED. 

39. That spectator has a sign that says "You look cute when you run." I wonder if they're talking about me.

40. I bet they show that sign to everyone.

41. I'm going to eat one of these gels and see if that helps me feel better.

42. It helps! I feel good! This is AMAZING. I am a leaf on the wind! Now I know why people do this. It is the purest joy that a human can experience!

43. My nipples are bleeding.  

44. That is so hardcore. I am a sexy, heroic athlete and I do things like running until my nipples bleed

45. Actually, most people probably wouldn't find that very sexy. 

46. Also, I'm not sure whether the wind just picked up or I have started crying. 

47. Yep, definitely weeping. 

48. I hope it's clear to the spectators that I'm weeping tears of pain, not sadness. I wouldn't want anyone to think this isn't fun!

49. Also, I am angry. I am angry at myself for all my failures and I am angry at all these other runners who somehow look like they're just having a nice, relaxing day in the park.

50. Apparently, 19 miles is all it takes for me to forget how to experience love.  

51. I have run 20 miles! That means I only have 6 more to go!

52. I run 6 miles all the time; this is going to be easy.

53. Yes, but usually when I run 6 miles, I haven't just run 20 miles. This is markedly different. 

54. In one mile, I will be one mile away from being five miles away, which is a mere two miles away from being two miles away, which will be only one mile away from only having one mile to go!

55. But why are they making the miles further and further apart?

56. I will look at my watch in one minute and calculate how many more minutes it will be until I am finished with this mile. That will be fun!

57. No time has passed. 

58. No time has still passed.

59. This is not, in fact, fun.

60. Time has stopped passing, and I am stuck on mile 21 forever.

61. I would like to be buried at mile 21, please.

62. They can erect a small monument to me that says something like, "This person literally paid money to have this happen."

63. Maybe if I eat another one of these gels, I will have to stop to vomit up goo on the side of the road and no one will judge me for stopping.

64. Somehow, there are only three more miles to go, which is only one mile from there only being only one mile to go before there is one more mile to go!

65. In just half a mile, I will be half a mile from being two half miles away from … OK, I am going insane.

66. Running a marathon is literally just a bunch of people physically torturing themselves while they count to 26 as slowly as humanly possible.

67. Somehow I have made it 24 miles, which, according to top mathematician, Me, is only one mile away from one mile away from 26!

68. I am actually close now!

69. I cannot believe this, but they are actually going to let me stop running in the near future.

70. I passed 26 miles!

71. Aaaaand …. all my calculations failed to prepare me for the fact there are still 0.2 miles to go.

72. All these people cheering really, really helps though.

73. I DID IT!!! I AM MARATHON FINISHER! I AM A GOD!

74. That was the worst experience of my life.

75. That was the best experience of my life.

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