9 Lessons I Learned From Nicholas Sparks Films

Nicholas Sparks knows everything about love. How is it I never understood all of this before? It’s a good thing he’s here to teach me.

1. Lesson #1

If you are married to a cop, your life will be hell. Cops are evil. But Marines or soldiers are great. It’s important to remember that distinction

2. Lesson #2

If the man you are dating (or just thinking about dating) takes you on a canoe ride, you know it is true love.

3. Lesson #3

If you getting caught in the rain on said canoe trip, then you two are meant to be together forever. Getting wet is a huge turn-on.

4. Lesson #4

Words aren’t really necessary when it comes to true love. Looking lost, scared, weak, or hot in a bikini is all that is needed. All in all, men like woman who are like Ariel—beautiful, half naked, and have little speaking ability.

5. Lesson #5

Dancing is only appropriate in the middle of the street at night, balconies, or abandoned grocery stores.

6. Lesson #6

A real man has the strength to build a house by himself, but also the sensitivity to write you a letter EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR A YEAR. Yeah. That’s a real person.

7. Lesson #7

If you become friends with a woman whose house you’ve never seen, who doesn’t seem to interact with any other people besides you, and who says cryptically vague things instead of real answers all the time, don’t question it. That’s really normal.

8. Lesson #8

Letter writing by hand is still a thing that happens all the time.

9. And Finally…Lesson #9

If you’ve got brown hair, your chances of living a long life with the one you love is pretty slim. Like microscopic.

10. In Conclusion…

So what does all this mean? It means if you are a regular looking person who doesn’t have a secret past or hasn’t lived through a terrible trauma (or dangerous situation) in which a strong (but sensitive) man can rescue you from, particularly in the South, you probably won’t find true love. But that’s ok. You can always hop on a bus or drive your car and move on down there, just in time to catch the eye of some recently widowed/returned from the army/ loner type guy who is really so great and warm and sensitive—he just hasn’t found ANYONE ELSE IN TOWN to love. But you. And you don’t even live there.

Yet.

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