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    Aug 5, 2015

    PSA: Guys, Top 12 Things You're Doing Wrong with Your Tinder Profile

    Tinder, guys, you're doing it wrong.

    Via troll.met

    As if adulting weren't difficult enough, there's that pesky little thing us single folk have to deal with as adults: DATING. And my gawd, it's kind of a nightmare. It's nearly impossible to meet anyone in a conventional way (e.g. running into a bespectacled, kind of nerdy, yet, über handsome guy at your local bookstore--you know, the one that looks just like Ryan Gosling), so we've been forced into the awkward shenanigans that are cohesively known as Internet/App Dating. You'd think it'd be easier, what, with most of the fundamental wire pulling out of the way, but it's not. No, instead, you have to worry about catfishing, ghosting (then again, I guess you have to worry about that with or without the aid of the internet), hook-up propositions (contrary to popular belief, I don't think Tinder was intended to be a hook-up app, there's an actual app for that--it's called the 'Casual Encounters' section of Craigslist...also, ew), and rifling through, mostly, by and large, mediocre profiles in hopes of coming across a proverbial 'needle in a haystack.' Which leads me to my next point, some of you are doing it totally wrong (I'm single, so apparently, I am too--we'll get to that another time, though). But don't worry, I'm here to help, that is, if you want to take advice from a single girl. Look, whatever you decide to do with your profile, is your business, BUT, please, please, I beg of you, please avoid the following:

    GROUP PHOTOS / Via Tinder

    You have friends and that's awesome, no, really, it is (also, slightly lessens the chance of you being a complete sociopath). So I'm very happy for you, BUT, when every picture on your profile is you (WHICHEVER one you are) with your group of friends, I get all kinds of confused--I loved Where's Waldo as a kid, but listen, I'm adulting now, and more confusion is, honestly, the last thing I need in my life. I mean, are you the one in the salmon colored button-up, khaki shorts, boat shoes and Gators visor? Or the guy with the white shoes, white belt and white shirt with the tribal design emblazoned across the chest? Maybe I've got it all wrong and you're really the one with the eyebrow piercing and both middle fingers up with his tongue sticking out at the camera in defiance? Charming. Do you see the dilemma, here? Stop it.

    RANDOM IMAGES / Via Tinder

    I'm not a Star Wars fan, but I see that you are. It also seems that we may differ in the humor department, since I probably don't find the photo of Kim Jung Il from Team America: World Police, nearly as hilarious as you do (good movie, nonetheless). But we're in luck, we DO have a few things in common--we both love beachscapes, manatees and motivational quotes--and everyone needs a starting point, right? But I'm kind of scared, what if you look like Jabba the Hutt (seems I might know a wee bit about Star Trek, I mean, Wars, after all!)? That could kind of [read: really] be a buzzkill. Show yourself. Oh, and nice TransAm.

    MARRIED / Via Tinder

    You know what? I don't think you fully understand how this app works. No, really, uninstall the app, immediately. Poste-haste. Chop-chop. Quick, fast and in a hurry. Abort! Abort! This also goes for those of you who have, "just joined to keep up with friends." Nuh uh, you ain't 'bout this life. No sir, no ma'am.

    PETS / Via Tinder

    I'll probably get hate mail about this one, but is it just me, or is every guy on Tinder in love with his dog. "Man's Best Friend," listen, I totally get it. I do. Dogs are great--fricking precious, loveable and all around awesome little creatures. One or two photos with your pooch makes you kind of adorable. But if your profile pictures consist of you and your dog on a Valentine's Day date--sharing a plate of spaghetti [sans the fork], you and your dog taking a bath together with matching suds hats and you and your dog cuddling in bed watching Netflix with a glass and doggie bowl of champagne and strawberries--I'm probably gonna get the wrong idea about you and your dog. I'm just sayin'.



    For the love of God, STOP. Don’t be that guy, the one standing in the bathroom mirror admiring his pecs, you’re better than that (maybe. I think). I mean, I can totally appreciate that you totally appreciate your physique, but the shirtless body shot in the mirror? It's a bit, how do you say...douché (pronounced do▪shay). If it's an active photo, where you're out on the beach, or playing volleyball, OR, you're a personal trainer using Tinder to garner clientele (kind of weird, but hey, social marketing), that's one thing. But you, standing in front of a bottle of hand soap and a flayed toothbrush, flexing your existent or non-existent muscles, says to me, that you're saying to yourself, "I just got done working out and I like what I see. I think the ladies will like it, too. This one's for you, girl."

    This isn't American Psycho and you're not Christian Bale.


    I know you think it's super attractive, but trust me, it's not. It just isn't. And where's your face? Do you even have a face, bro--or will it just be your torso and I meeting, over a nice hot, steaming cup of awkward?

    KIDS / Via Tinder

    I feel like there are a lot of things wrong with the above photo, but I'm not even going to get into all that. Again, just like with the pups, one or two pics with your kids can show that you’re both a responsible adult and a good dad (I can only assume)...and really, that alone can make you come off as kind of dreamy (yes, I just used 'dreamy' in a sentence, and it's not even that one year that "All Shook Up" was at the top of the charts). I get that little Timmy and his twin sister, Susie are both really good at kickball, running on the playground and taking above-average class pictures (I'm sure they get their good looks from you) and that they're a huge part of your life and it only makes sense that as a parent you want to show them off, or even, to let those people who might not be as keen on dating people with kids, know upfront that you have them. But here’s the facts, Jack--I'm not here to date little Timmy or little Susie (though, I'm completely open to hanging out with them, if I'm dating you) so, if your profile is all carbon soldiers and no you, I'm gonna maaaybe think it's a little weird that you're parading your kids on a dating site. Or, that you might be a pedophile. Either way--thanks [for making me browse little kids on Tinder], but no thanks.


    I think there must be a GQ article out there somewhere that advised you guys that pictures of you in a club, with dilated eyes and a harem of scantily clad women surrounding, dancing with and/or kissing you, is the end all/be all magnet for attracting other women. But ummmm, with a heavy heart and a sigh, I'm here to tell you, if it exists, that article is a total sham, no, seriously--trust me. Well, unleeess you're trying to land an 18-year-old Playboy hopeful--and if that's your thing, mister, well then, good job. Happy fishing.

    DEAD ANIMALS / Via Tinder

    Speaking of fish and animals in general, I swear, I have seen more pictures of dead animals on Tinder than on National Geographic and Animal Planet combined. It may just be a thing here in the South, but seriously, is there some sort of Tinder pre-requisite for males to showboat gore as ocular proof of their manhood?

    "Must have no fewer than 3 photos of yourself holding dead fish, no maximum on dead deer--bonus points if the carcass appears to still be alive and gurgling."

    Guys, if Tinder were an app for acquiring fishing/hunting buddies, those kinds of photos might be apropos, but you're trying to attract the attention of a female. Tip: [Most] Women don't find the sight of dead, bloody animals even mildly arousing (if you happen to find one that does, RUN). It's gross and kind of horrifying. Ew.

    Also, camo is not sexy. Appropriate for hunting, sure--for dating? Maybe not so much.


    'Picture' this, the year is 2015. You know what that means? The years of dial-up and AOL Instant Messenger are long behind us, which, also means there's no place for scanners, blurry photos or photos of photos. You have a smart phone (if you don't, we have some other things to discuss, like, how are you even on this app right now?)--use it.


    See Brad on the right. That's a down-right, clear-cut, good-looking Brad. See Brad on the left? See how his features are all washed away, and you can't tell where his eyes end and his cheeks begin? Okay, wait, if I'm being perfectly honest, there's really no bad version of Brad, but I think you get my drift. The Beauty Face feature, is the work of the devil. Don't get me wrong, for a blemish, here or there, it's not a bad tool to have on hand. But it's fallen into the hands of far too many insecure abusers, with far too great a frequency. Folks, (that's all-inclusive, which means, you too, girls) if you have a professional who retouches your photos because it is part of their work, that's one thing. But when you take a selfie and turn out looking like a tear-n'-share page out of one of the watercolor paint books I used to buy during Book Fair in third grade at Brentwood Elementary, a live version of the posterize filter from Photoshop, or you're glowing like you swallowed a super-sized helping of made to order double-dipped McHalos--I'm afraid you've gone too far. Overly edited/retouched photos are totally unnecessary and worse, blatantly obvious. In the age of the 'selfie,' I expect this from girls (as gender biased and politically incorrect as that may sound), but if you're a dude and you're using the front-facing camera and you have the 'Beauty Face' feature turned on--turn it off. Now.


    In the 80's, LL Cool J made lip-licking/biting look good.


    But this isn't 1980 and you're not LL Cool J. I think I've said enough.



    Some of you will do everything right...and still get it wrong. You create a really humorous blurb about yourself, showcasing your intellect, wit/sense of humor and charm (or as much as can be crammed into the tiny space Tinder's provided). You'll have, for good measure, at least three front-facing photos (that aren't Beauty Faced to death. Or, at all). You'll show that you're fun (but not party-boy fun), athletic, and/or artsy with a few outdoorsy and/or creative shots and for the right girl, you'll even swipe right. You've done everything the app was designed for, but you fail to seal the deal --you don't message the girl. I'll be the first to admit, Tinder is kind of a mindless pastime--when you don't have a 'bae,' with which, to exchange sweet nothings and you're sitting in a waiting room, or on your lunch break, having already seen and posted enough Facebook updates to last you the next decade, or laying in bed at night waiting to fall asleep (yes, with your phone in hand, held up to/or over your face)--it's a great way to kill time. But if you're going to take the time and effort to create a worthwhile profile AND swipe RIGHT, you might as well send a message, right? Guys, Tinder has taken all of the legwork out of 'the approach' for you, if you've matched, you KNOW she's attracted to you, or has, at the very least, found something about you to be attracted to--don't let that go to waste. "Hi" ...two little letters to get the conversation going, it's as simple as that, so, what are you waiting for?

    We've all got that one person that we wish would just, by some magical force, reach out and say hello (one tiny little, unsolicited "hey," is that so hard?! Wait. Soapbox, sorry. ::steps down::)--but they don't--and until they do, we're all stuck in this seemingly never-ending, maddening cycle of blah-dee-blah, swipety-swipe boredom, so, let's all make it easier on one another and play by the rules, k? K.

    Signing Off,

    The Habitually Single Girl, R.