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Loyola Fantasy League

You don't know Loyola.

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  1. What are you most likely doing in your free time?

    Tickling the pickle
    Lighting your foot on fire
    Sucking dick
    Preying on Kahn, preying on little children
    Drinking
    WEED
    "Quitting"
    Trying to blend in
    Sexual intercourse with Jacobs
    Getting lost in the sauce
    Nobody cares
    Trying to be a CS
    Being a Hitler youth
    Stalking Sami
    Probably saying something smart but who knows
    Getting overly competitive
  2. Who is your favorite pornstar?

    Lisa Ann
    Riley Reid
    Sunny Leone
    August Ames
    Busty Buffy
  3. Who is your "spirit dictator"?

    Includes dictators, warlords, and all around horrible people.

    Xerxes
    Hitler
    Plankton
    Chi Minh
    Putin
    Stalin
    Gaddafi
    Pol Pot
    El Chapo
  4. Who did you slay?

    Anna
    Sami / Sydney
    Rachel
    Sydney
    Comanches
    Becca
    Wait...Becca again?!
    Men
    Yourself
    Some Canadian bitch
    Emma
    Everyone
    College girls
    Sami and Marni
  5. Who is your favorite girl?

    motherzucker
    igottafeintush
    belzfromhelz
    bustaheiman
    imagoofygoober
    shardingeverywhere
    cheeserevioli
    emmasdilemma
    theysamirollin
  6. What's your favorite way to get in trouble?

    Raiding the kitchen
    Arson
    Doing something fucking crazy
    Getting America Day waffles
    Balcony climbing
    Doing something fucking stupid
    Sodomy
    Telling his cousin everything
    Exterminating the Hispanics
    Hotboxing
    Ordering cheesecakes
    Hunger striking
  7. Where is your favorite place to jerk off at camp?

    Bunk
    Showers
    On Anna's shirt
    Station
    Hill House
    Into a sock
    On your bed
    Wherever you are when you feel the urge
  8. What is your "shoe size"?

    Rounded to the nearest half inch

    12
    11
    11.5
    11.5
    6
    11
    7
    8.5
    10.5
    14
    14
    11
    11.5
    10.5
    11

Loyola Fantasy League

You got: Leo Wolf

This kid cannot hold his liquor. Give him more than four shots of vodka and he'll be on the floor babbling some shit about Igel.

Leo Wolf
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You got: Ethan Jacobs

The ultimate bro. This kid is a fuckboy and used to smoke mad weed in his free time. Vineyard Vines could pay him to be their poster boy, but he already does it for free.

Ethan Jacobs
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You got: Brian Merson

He's an arsonist and future bartender with no cares in the world. All he wants in life is to be on an exotic island with a sweaty guy rubbing aloe all over his back.

Brian Merson
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You got: Max Herman

Not part of the Loyola league, but decided to add him to this quiz anyway because every good league has to have a sexually ambiguous person that isn't a member but still hangs with us.

Max Herman
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You got: Cory Koppel

Cory is a party animal and one of our league "out-of-towners." He goes to Tulane, and only smokes on holidays and days that end in "y".

Cory Koppel
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You got: Ethan Kaufman

This is our commissioner. He's the one who maintains the illusion that this league is a democracy. At first glance he may look like a nice Jewish boy, but there's something more sinister lurking beneath the surface.

Ethan Kaufman
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You got: Ethan Igel

Who is Ethan Igel and where is he from when camp ends to when camp begins? He's one of the boys from Brazil, and this Hitler clone is probably laying low with Leo's girl.

Ethan Igel
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You got: Miles Feldstein

It's really hard to connect with Miles because he doesn't speak the same language as the rest of us. He's a retard. Try having a real conversation with him. We dare you.

Miles Feldstein
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You got: Garrett Ritholtz

Garrett is living proof that HGH doesn't work for shit. He's been 5 feet 4 inches since senior year, and that's not the only thing that's not growing.

Garrett Ritholtz
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You got: Kyle Koppel

Don't be fooled, Kyle is the craziest out of all of us. His mind is fucked out of proportion. When he's not taking it in the ass from Jacobs, he's probably playing lacrosse because he wants to be a lax bro with the flow and all.

Kyle Koppel
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You got: Matthew Bibi

Bibi is the nicest human being you'll ever meet, until football season kicks off. From then until the playoffs, he will do whatever he can to come out on top. He's not the gentle giant that he seems. If you don't believe us, just ask Rachel.

Matthew Bibi
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You got: Juan Espinosa

Don't call him Mexican because he'll pop your ass. They said that the most dangerous animal is a savage Columbian. They were right.

Juan Espinosa
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You got: Jack Rosencrans

He's the most responsible. If you got this result, do yourself a favor and lighten the fuck up. Jack is almost-nearly-Godborn. He slipped and fell once.

Jack Rosencrans
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You got: Noah Edelman

How can we forget Noah? Oh yeah, he doesn't go to camp anymore. He may be one of our "out-of-towners," but he still fucks shit up with the league.

Noah Edelman
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You got: David Nebrasky

This racist motherfucker is the designated meatball of the league. Every league needs someone that really couldn't give two shits about setting his line-up or acknowledging bye weeks. To him, it's all about playing the game and getting angered by the lack of white players in the NFL.

David Nebrasky
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You got: Daniel Jablon

This kid really knows how to seize the day. I mean he really just shakes things up. All joking aside we mourn for Jablon's career as an overnight trucker/kamikaze pilot/scuba diver. Jablon's the funniest person we know, so that is why he is an honorary member of the league, waiting to be drafted if any current member quits or gets bullied out.

Daniel Jablon
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