18 Impossible Decisions Brides Must Make Before Their Wedding
If I had a nickel for every piece of advice I was given, I’d actually be able to afford the wedding I want.
Hi! We're Kristin and Erin, two people who are both in the middle of wedding planning.
Erin: My wedding is in a month, and I can't believe that after a year and a half of careful planning that I still have more planning to do. It's like training for a marathon that ends with an enormous bill. BUT I CAN'T WAIT. (Seriously, it's fun to complain, but it's gonna be a RAGER.) 💕
Kristin: My wedding is in seven months, which I literally didn't realize until I did the math just now and then promptly fainted. Seriously, this stuff is hard — and a lot of it comes from the fact that we just want everyone we love to have a good time and not riot because we picked the wrong salad dressing or something.
So here are the most annoying parts of wedding planning, ranked from least to absolute fucking most:
18. Dealing with all of the unsolicited advice.
Kristin: For a lot of people giving unsolicited advice is like their second chance at remedying their own wedding mistakes from the past. But your wedding is not their feel-good sports movie where the old grizzled coach makes past wrongs right or whatever, so it's mostly just annoying.
Erin: If I had a nickel for every piece of advice I was given, I'd actually be able to afford the wedding I want.
17. Figuring out your day-of schedule.
Erin: I didn't realize I needed 12 hours to get ready until I saw that I'd need to wake up at 5 a.m. in order to be at an event that starts at 6 p.m. Good to know!
Kristin: Also, who are the people who want to "get breakfast" the morning of in order to "maximize the fun" — although if you want to dig me out of my tomb of hairspray to throw an Egg McMuffin at me I won't say no.
16. Figuring out what your wedding dress style is, and realizing the dress you thought you wanted actually looks terrible on you.
Kristin: Buying a wedding dress is like seeing a photo of a house and then walking into a version of that house that's like 43% done, and then having to decide on the spot whether or not to buy it.
Erin: I didn't cry, like the TLC show told me I would. I don't know what that says about me. (Probably that I'm a monster.)
15. Deciding on bridesmaid dresses.
Kristin: In which you learn that none of your friends agree on what emerald is, and will fight each other over it.
Erin: A bridesmaid dress, the time when you find out exactly how much the bride hates you.
14. Researching and finding a venue.
Kristin: That moment when you realize how expensive a normal venue is, and you find yourself considering getting married in a haunted cave, or abandoned hot air balloon, or 100 tin cans welded together at the bottom of the ocean.
Erin: The worst part, for me, was realizing that I could've been making so much extra income if only I'd thought to rent out my abandoned hot air balloon.
13. Writing vows or figuring out what will be said in the wedding.
Erin: Can I just plagiarize a Michelle Obama speech?
Kristin: Why do we force ourselves to have the most personal conversation we will ever have in front of people we have business meetings with? That's mean. Why are we mean to ourselves?
12. Maintaining the same exact weight so you actually fit into the dress.
Kristin: HOPE I DON'T GET MY PERIOD THAT DAY.
Erin: For several reasons!
11. Picking your colors. :(
Erin: What does this even mean, really?! I can barely pick something to wear in the morning.
Kristin: Every single time you think you have your colors right, some dumb element — your bridesmaids' dresses, your flowers not being in season, your random relative insisting on wearing those colors — makes you throw them out the window.
Erin: My colors are shut the fuck up and enjoy the free buffet.
10. The Hunger Games aspect of picking and choosing who gets to come to the wedding.
Kristin: I wish you could put all your potential guests in a spreadsheet and sort according to the likelihood that they will say something racist to someone in the wedding party.
Erin: I want that, except a spreadsheet that sorts your guests according to which one is most likely to not cancel last minute. (Even though I already know who that's gonna be!)
9. Realizing how much flowers cost, and how you probably actually really care about flowers.
Erin: Roses are red, violets are blue, but those are both super expensive so this bowl of old needles will have to do.
Kristin: I feel like everyone has that Keyser Soze moment where they realize that half the shit they like about other people's weddings are the choices in flowers, and that those flowers are all over the wedding, and every flower is $50, and none of them are in season and the only venue you can afford is giving you a discount because it used to be a toxic waste dump, so all the flowers would die anyway.
8. Realizing engagement photos are 1) a thing, and 2) a thing you actually kinda want to do.
Kristin: That moment when you realize that your wedding is like 50% a very expensive photo shoot and that not doing a dry run with your photographer beforehand might be a mistake and then all of sudden your debit card is being declined for a sandwich.
Erin: Hi, my name is Erin, and I'm very much in love with the man I'm standing next to under this dilapidated archway while holding hands, staring into each other's eyes, and trying not to laugh.
7. Planning a significant amount of your wedding based on how well you're able to do DIY things.
Kristin: "I'm gonna make all my centerpieces and bouquets out of old socks I found!" —Me, from some other life, before I got engaged.
Erin: Is this what they teach you in Girl Scouts, how to hot-glue a tiered cake together?
6. The logistics of getting all the stuff you need (like guestbook, centerpieces, etc.) into the venue and out.
Kristin: When you look at bridal magazines it never occurs to you that you have to figure out how to actually get all that stuff into the old shipwrecked boat where you are getting married. It's all the fun of moving, but twice in one day.
Erin: Old shipwrecked boat. Why didn't I pick that for my venue?! I'm so mad now.
5. Etsy and Pinterest, in general.
Kristin: It's REALLY hard when you are surrounded by Fun Party Porn that most of what you need for a good party is People You Like + Enough Refreshment To Keep Them Happy For The Allotted Time, and that you cannot provide each guest with an artisanal base-jumping parachute.
Erin: Logging on to Pinterest when you're trying to make a wedding decision is just one long I've made a huge mistake moment.
4. Dealing with someone who wants a plus one when they weren't given a plus one.
Kristin: If my wedding is so frightening to you that you can't go without a buddy I feel like I have a Neflix login you can borrow for the weekend.
Erin: Can I introduce you to your new date, this open bar?
3. Trying to track down RSVPs.
Kristin: I spent a weekend trying to figure out a reasonable lineup of appetizers. You can put a card in the mail.
Erin: I'm just really mad at my cousin right now.
2. People who don't read the website or the invitation.
Kristin: Please stop asking me what day my wedding is on. You are my dad, you should know this. Come on.
Erin: The date of my wedding is you are no longer invited. Bye.
1. Realizing you can't afford to do half of the shit you see in bridal magazines.
Kristin: I'm glad this famous rich lady got to have her dream wedding on a yacht made entirely of Jordan almonds but I'm just trying to figure out how to turn some yarn and a hot glue gun into something you'd be OK eating dinner next to.
Erin: You know what's fun? Getting engaged, then immediately opening your veins and letting all of the money flow out so that people can have place cards with their name on them.