1.All right, back the eff up, because the queen bee of the ocean is here, y'all!
2.An octopus is flawless, right down to those Zooey Deschanel doe eyes.
3.And don't even try to step up to an octopus: To avoid capture, they run, hide, and change colors!
4.Seriously, piss off an octopus and you'll get inked IN THE FACE. (It will be awesome.)
5.Wanna know why an octopus's head is so big? It's FULL OF SECRETS (and about 500 million large neurons).
6.Jack Kerouac stole his idea for On the Road from an octopus, probably.
7.An Octopus's arms are so strong that they can break through plexiglass.
8.AND THEY CAN KILL A SHARK BY BREAKING ITS SPINE.
9.An octopus is the original model waif, and they can fit through impossibly small holes...
10.BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO BONES IN THEIR BODY.
11.Oh, they have a "burn book," all right. It's called, "IF I DON'T LIKE YOU I WILL EAT YOU."
12.One of their favorite activities is sneaking up on their prey and sucking it up into their mouths.
13.If you try to sit with an octopus while wearing sweatpants, they'll be all like, "YOU CAN'T SIT WITH US."
14.But while they seem like really awesome superheroes, they can also be incredibly horrifying. An octopus will give birth once in their lifetime. Between 20,000 and 100,000 eggs (depending on the species).
15.IF YOU HAVE SEX, YOU WILL GET PREGNANT. AND DIE.
16.They can also do T E R R I B L E things with their body, like camouflaging it depending on their setting.
17.SOME OCTOPUSES ARE SUPER VENOMOUS.
18.If this was a male octopus, one of these arms is his "bathing suit area" aka his "private parts" aka his "baby maker."
19.While an octopuses might seem like terrifying badasses, deep down they secretly have a playful side.
20.People try to copy octopuses' style by getting them tatted on their body...
21.Or inviting them to all of the cool parties.
22.But in the end, we all worship the biggest badass of the ocean — BECAUSE WE WANT TO BE THEM.