Taking off your pants means you’re in for the night.You’ve canceled plans because it would require putting your pants back on.You hate “getting ready” in general.Going out is exhausting.So is meeting new people.You’re exhausted just thinking about it, actually.Ignoring a text feels GOOD.You've turned your phone off to avoid other people being able to reach you.You reply "no" on paperless post invites, even if you're free that day.You’ve claimed an email “must’ve gotten lost” in your inbox.You’ve spent an entire weekend in your house and not left once.Your favorite weekends are the ones you spend entirely in your house.The words “club opening” sounds like “fiery gates of hell.”Your favorite time of day is quittin' time, because it means you get to go home.You rarely make plans during the week.You refuse to make plans during the week.If you stay out past 10 p.m., you feel like Ke$ha.The moment you agree to go out, you immediately regret your decision.Rain is an excuse to stay in.But so is excessive sunshine.A food coma is an excuse to stay in.Or rather, wanting to be in a food coma.You've told someone, "I forgot I made other plans..." even though you didn't have any.You've also been "sooooo exhausted."And you "got a flat tire."When you say you have a headache, it’s more like a “headache.”When you do go out, you do so because you already have a time in mind when you’ll leave.You don't "do" lines.You also don't wait for friends who are "running late."You believe that dancing in your living room is better than dancing at a club.You don't go to clubs. Ever.Bars only interest you if there's food.If there isn't food, you are basically like NOPE. NOT DOING THIS.An ideal night would involve a couch and Netflix.But more specifically: your couch.Giant crowds look like a group of giant banshees.You've stared lustfully at your bed.You're tired just thinking about your bed.You've referred to people who like to go out as "youths."You'd rather brag about how much sleep you got, than how late you were out last night.You bragged about that very thing at some point this week.You've tweeted about how old you are, even if you aren't old at all.People have called you the "grandma" of the friend group.Even the thought of being in a room with other people makes you feel tired.You often daydream about going home, pouring a glass of wine, and not talking to anyone for hours.You're daydreaming about it right now.Your anxiety about being out begins the minute you leave your door.Your friends have stopped inviting you to things.$15 martinis make no sense when you can drink at home.Once your underwear is off, it's all over. That's not going back on.If someone wants to get somewhere at 11 p.m., you are automatically out.You've Instagrammed an old pic to make it look like you aren't home alone.You start texting your friends at noon on Friday to say, "I feel a cold coming on."Your friends have called you out for lying about being sick.There are few things you hate more than having to get ready to go out.You have the number of restaurants that deliver memorized.You've stayed in or gone home because your phone is out of battery.What you really want for your birthday is to stay in.You will pay a cover charge over your dead body.If you go out, you hide in the bathroom to pass time.If you go out, you are literally ready to leave as soon as you get there.You ask every hour on the hour if it's time to leave yet.You insist on driving so you can leave when you want.You also only go to something so you can then decline the next three invites.If it's valet only, there is no way you're going.If there's no valet, there's no way you're going.Basically, you aren't going.