1. I shouldn't eat anything before this appointment.
2. Or drink anything.
3. But I'm hungry. I'm just going to have a snack.
::: 10 minutes later :::
4. I just ate the equivalent of two meals because I'm so nervous and excited.
5. I'll bring spanx. Those will fix everything.
6. Sweet sassy molassey, there's the store.
7. THE STORE I might find my dress in!
8. No, I WILL find it here.
9. Those dresses in the window are so big. And white. They're kind of terrifying.
10. Oh, but that one dress is really cute though.
11. Wait...this store is small.
12. It only has, like, 30 dresses, tops.
13. This is nothing like Say Yes to the Dress.
14. Do they have an underground warehouse I'm not aware of?
15. I feel sweaty. Why are these lights so ungodly bright?
16. Ooo la la I have a "stylist"!
17. This stylist is no-nonsense.
18. Do I know my budget? Yes, and we absolutely cannot go over it.
19. Do I know what I want my wedding dress theme to be…? No?
20. What's a wedding dress theme?
21. Is "pretty" a theme?
22. Oh lord, now she wants to know the style of the dress I want.
23. Isn't this her job? Just show me the one I'll love.
24. I should've prepared more. I should've made one of those binders I saw on Pinterest. I've made a huge mistake.
25. OK, finally, she found me a dress to try on.
26. It looks...cute. Kind of. Actually, no, this looks very weird on the hangar.
27. So she's just going to stand in this dressing room and help me change. I didn't know I needed help changing.
28. Hope she doesn't mind seeing a little T and a dash of A.
29. I feel bad for wearing a thong. This poor woman. She sees it all the time though.
30. This is a very tiny and very hot room. Who designed this room?!
31. Wow, OK, now I understand why I needed help.
32. Are all wedding dresses this awkward to get into?
33. Wowie woo woo. I am wearing a wedding dress. This is the weirdest thing ever.
34. This is HAPPENING.
35. It's so heavy. How do people walk in these.
36. Oh, and she's clipping the dress into place. She's clipping me in. This is so uncomfortable.
37. And I will walk out, holding all of this extra dress in my hands.
38. What does my friend think? Is that a happy or disgusted smile? I can't read her face.
::: Looks in the mirror :::
39. This is the craziest thing ever.
40. I look like a bride. About to get married. But do I want to look like this kind of a bride?
41. OK, now I understand what this woman meant by a "theme." I do not want my theme to be "Bedazzled Marshmallow Dress Gets Married."
42. Do people buy these dresses? I'd like to see these alleged "people"...
43. Good. My friend hates it too. This is why we're friends.
44. The next dress isn't as poofy. This is progress.
45. Maybe it'll fit like it was painted on my damn body and I was made for this.
46. Hmm…not quite.
47. "Wedding dresses are all sized differently"?! Then why size them at all, wedding dress industry?!
48. More clipping. It feels like I'm slowly being wrapped into a sausage casing.
49. But damn if these clips don't make it look like I've got a banging bod.
50. MORE CLIPS, YES.
51. What is this color? Ivory? Wasn't that the last one? No? It was cream? How many shades of white are there?
52. Dresses can be itchy. I didn't know this.
53. Wait, how much does this cost?
54. I could buy so many dresses with that. But I need this one dress.
55. The budget isn't that set in stone. I could go over. Just a little.
56. I'm in the wrong industry. I should've been a wedding dress designer. I would've been a millionaire by now.
57. Let's do the awkward walk toward my family and friends to see what they think.
58. Even though I already know I hate it.
59. Wait a minute, they actually LIKE this one?
60. Well, I guess I can see their point. The top is really flattering…
61. But you're supposed to cry when you find the right dress. Right? I'm not crying. Am I doing this wrong?
62. Hold up, what's that bride across the store wearing?
63. She looks like a goddamn fairytale wrapped in a glittery bow. I want that thing.
64. No, the dress I'm wearing is not the one. NEXT. I'm ready for this.
65. Getting into a wedding dress is like trying on the wrong size shoe, except it's a shoe for your whole body.
66. Hark, what have we here? A dress that only needs one clip? Intriguing…
67. Um, wait, this looks really good on me.
68. Like, Oscar gown good. Not just bridal good.
69. This is a wedding dress a celebrity would wear.
70. I'm basically in Kerry Washington's wedding dress.
71. I look great. No, I look AMAZING.
72. Must. Show. The. Others. so they can validate my obscenely large ego right now.
73. They gasped. They gasped. I can't stop smiling.
74. Oh my god, is my mom…crying?
75. Oh no, am I crying?
76. WAIT, WHAT IS HAPPENING.
77. IS THIS IT?! THIS IS THE ONE? THE DRESS I'LL GET MARRIED IN?
78. Oh my fucking ::: unintelligible thoughts clouded by tears :::
79. I'm going to twirl in it.
80. Yes, this is it.
81. Oh, you want to add a veil? And a glittery belt?
82. YES, ADD THEM ALL.
83. Oh wow. OK. This is it. This is what they'll see me walk down the aisle in.
84. I feel… overwhelmed.
85. Excited and nervous and… how much is it, again?
86. OK, we're doing this. This is happeninggggg.
87. We're taking my measurements. This is real. This is happening.
88. I have to wait how long to see this thing again?
89. Whatever, it'll be worth the wait. And I'll look better than any other bride EVER.