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Let R Kelly Woo You With 12 Of His Most Bizarre Attempts At Being Seductive

R Kelly's new album "Black Panties" will drop on December 10. But he has been tryin' to drop panties for years. Let us celebrate some of his most bizarre lyrics. You're going to be very uncomfortable very quickly.

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1. "I like the crotch on you...what's going on inside my pants I can't explain"


From the song cleverly entitled "I like the crotch on you" CROTCH. Crotch. Crotch may be the least sexy word in the English language. And I don't want to know what's going on inside your pants, R Kelly.

2. "And inside of your walls there will dwell a Capricorn that will feast your body all night"


From "The Greatest Sex." I am not certain what this means. But I am certain that I am incredibly uncomfortable.

3. "After cheesecake with all of your friends and family who's gonna front the bill? Me"


From the charmingly entitled "Don't You Say No" R. Kelly lists off a litany of reasons why you cannot say no to him tonight. My favorite justification is above. HE BOUGHT YOU AND ALL YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY CHEESECAKE SO YOU HAVE TO SLEEP WITH HIM NOW.

4. "You remind me of my jeep, I wanna ride it. Something like my sound, I wanna pump it. Girl you look just like my cars, I wanna wax it"


From "You Remind Me Of Something" (spoiler alert: that something is a motor vehicle). FINALLY, a man who understands what women want to hear. That I remind you of a 3000+ lb hunk of metal and that this resemblance compels you to ride, pump, and wax me.

*It should also be noted in "Ignition Remix" he says "The way you do the things you do remind me of my Lexus coup". But I can't ever speak ill of Ignition Remix because it is the best thing in the world.

5. "Tonight I'm gonna pull a switcheroo, do you mind if I strip for you?"


Yes, I mind. (From "Strip For You")

6. "Pulled her hair, pushed it deep. Pound da meat, sound asleep"


From "Like a Real Freak"

1- meat. 2- she's asleep?!?!

7. "Baby.. tonight we'll be, naked. Oooooooh, oooooooh, oooooooh. I'll take a stroll through your garden of love and show you so so much ... Gettin you open like matchin doors"


From "Naked". Why does R Kelly feel the need to constantly quite literally objectify women? Although I guess matching doors is better than crotch. I guess.

8. "The P is for the pearl tongue that I like to tickle. The U is for uterus, down deep in the middle. SS is so slippery when I go up inside."


This is a verbal atrocity. UTERUS, DOWN DEEP IN THE MIDDLE?!

9. "I want sex in the morning, sex in the evening, sex in the noon day. Even when we sleeping. I want sex on all the holidays and every single weekend"

View this video on YouTube

From "(Sex) Love Is What We Makin". All I can think of is the pizza bagel theme song.

10. "I'm about to tickle it and touch your soul, once I enter into your black hole...We'll stick a flag on the Moon, first couple to ever make love on planet Neptune"


The title of this delightful tune is "Sex Planet". Black hole. Very clever euphemism, as always, R Kelly.

11. "Sex in the kitchen over by the stove, put you on the counter by the buttered rolls"


From "Sex In The Kitchen". Aw yea, right next to the buttered rolls.

12. "Girl you make me wanna get you pregnant, Lay your body down and get you pregnant, Knock you up, pregnant, Knock you up"


From "Pregnant".

On that note, I am going to go take a bath in boiling water.

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