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33 Pretty Fucking Funny Tweets By Women This Week

"Friend-zoning is no longer a thing it’s all about son-zoning and telling boys they are your tiny infant baby son."

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me driving: “i’ll hit you bitch” me walking: “hit me bitch”

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straight white people asking where their heterosexual pride day at when they know damn well old navy's fourth of july sale coming up

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My love language is bombarding those closest to me with links all day

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I am: 🔘 the poison 🔘 the poison for kuzco 🔘the poison chosen specially to kill kuzco 🔘kuzco’s poison

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Friend zoning is no longer a thing it’s all about son-zoning and telling boys they are your tiny infant baby son

8.

so my friend angus and i accidentally bought matching suits for prom... now we’re an eccentric pop boyband that’ll give you hay fever on sight https://t.co/kcKnk5VJ82

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9.

Do Not Like Thunder, a poem by my dog * THERE IS A SOUND BIGGER THAN A BORK IT IS EVERYWHERE EXCEPT BY YOU SO I CREEP CLOSE PRESS ON YOUR LEG DO YOU HEAR THE THING THE SKY BORKING IT DOES A FLASH I DO A WHIMPER THE ONLY GOOD PLACE IS WHERE YOU ARE I BORK SO SOFT IT CANNOT HEAR

10.

he was a boy she was a girl can I make it anymore obvious

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I passed by a guy livestreaming his evening walk and when our dogs started sniffing each other he said “yeah so this is a pretty typical thing that happens on my walks”

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me: i could be a spy also me: what if someone got mad at me, though

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my baby chills fr 😭 the cutest😍

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Two auto-replying bots have now been stuck in a loop with each other for several hours and the resulting thread reads like most of my internal monologue: https://t.co/QK5NThBTAN

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I saw someone on facebook suggest throwing a zodiac reveal party for a baby instead of a gender reveal party & I’m so here for it. Imagine walking into a celebration greeted by a gigantic banner reading “IT’S A VIRGO”

20.

The way my dog eats watermelon is everything 😂

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21.

I hate when Deadpool does all these appearances and we all have to pretend for straight men that deadpool is real??? Like he is a mall santa and I have to pat my boyfriend on the head and be like look you were good so mr deadpool is coming again this year

22.

just came back from the vet & the doctor told me my cat was pregnant, the lil bitch got the nerve to look shock. 🤦🏽‍♀️ https://t.co/TntP1qMD5g

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Every female chef on Chef's Table: "Food is an expression of love and I want to nourish the world" Every male chef on Chef's Table: "I was a bad little boy until I went to kitchen army"

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Why am I not surprised that some Trumpster thinks he lives in the Lincoln Memorial?

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Me with my hair straightened & me with my natural hair are two different people

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good morning, i went to chick-fil-a for breakfast and my total came out to $6.66 so the cashier changed it to 6.26 and gave me a large lemonade for free. the devil works hard but damn do chick-fil-a employees work harder

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Can you believe mother nature decided to go this hard

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Turns out the cream I’ve been putting in my coffee each morning that I brought home from Africa has an alcohol content of 17% .. no wonder I’ve been having such great days lately

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