1.
can’t believe I just have to keep dating until someone likes me back or I die
2.
I’m waiting for a reverse Hallmark Christmas Movie about a small town girl who realizes her community’s politics are terrible, moves to Manhattan, gets a high pressure office job, meets a businessman, and they host a non-denominational holiday party at their penthouse.
3.
[inventing the toaster] engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4 chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
4.
THIS IS A REAL CREATURE AND I AM FREAKING OUT https://t.co/jzaCO4oJXX
5.
I hope all news from now on is just people finding bigger and bigger cows, nothing else https://t.co/fBsgcvZDrr
6.
*Opens bottle of bleach* Nephew : How did you open it? I tried but it didn't open. Me : Oh it's coz it has a child safety lock. Children can't open it. *nephew looks at bottle in amazement* Nephew : How did it know I was a child? 🤣🤣🤣
7.
Now seems like a good time to mention: The Spanish subtitles for "O Brother, Where Art Thou?" refer to the Soggy Bottom Boys as, 'The Men with Wet Assholes."
8.
If only his genitals had a gun, none of this would have ever happened https://t.co/aFuxUzLBkV
9.
Ladies, if he - looks impeccable in a suit - comes in clutch with that emotional support - knows how to craft a compliment like it’s an art - can build furniture without a tantrum - knows how to build sexual tension with self control That’s no man, that’s a lesbian.
10.
top 10 funniest things that happened in 2018 is definitely grimes removing “anti-imperialist” from her bio after she started dating elon musk
11.
what if u cracked ur knuckles and ur fingers started to glow like glow sticks
12.
2 moods
13.
I hate hearing Michael Buble's version of Santa Baby where he says "Santa Buddy." What He thinks he's too good to suck Santa's dick like the rest of us?
14.
look at that motor oil https://t.co/LS3O2n95NP
15.
How the fuck am I supposed to go back to work tomorrow. I don't even remember what I do.
16.
MOVE IM GAY https://t.co/DotzxchTV3
17.
You have 30 days left in 2018 to waste my time
18.
if bohemian rhapsody starts playing and the person you’re with doesn’t start singing along and at least attempt the different voices, you really need to leave them alone. You just don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.
19.
To all the guys getting gassed that Nick Jonas got Priyanka Chopra by sliding in her dms. Before you send that 4th dm to that girl...just think to yourself...are you Nick Jonas?
20.
YALL. So, I went to bath and body works this morning to buy candles. I bought 9 and was like eh maybe this is too many. Then I looked over and the people next to me BOUGHT 90 CANDLES. Homegirl dropped A GRAND on candles before 8am. My hero. https://t.co/bp2O6UUKi4
21.
Do you remember when your mom would take you shopping and you would come home and do a “fashion show” for your dad who was half asleep on the couch and would give you a nod and a “very nice” for every outfit or was that just my family.
22.
i hate ranting to my boyfriend because he’ll use sound logic and reasoning and i’m really just looking for someone to be just as overdramatic about the situation as i am
23.
crocs but thigh high
24.
Wanna hear a new level of “being a shitty roommate”? I asked my roommate to take the trash out, as I have been gone a week and a half. She then proceeded to PICK THROUGH THE TRASH AND ONLY THREW OUT THINGS THAT SHE THREW AWAY. W H A T ?!
25.
If y’all need me I’m gonna be watching this on a loop for the rest of the day.