1.
Police : step out the car please Me: nah you get in it’s cold asf
2.
i can’t believe celine dion ended gender and made all babies goths. 2018 has been saved
3.
Good guy: *kills henchman* Henchman: wow Good guy: [to bad guy] I'm not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you Henchman: WOW
4.
When you work alone a lot.
5.
Twitter is a cool place to have friendly, open conversations with a small group of people in front of hundreds of online enemies who're watching intently for you to make some sort of screenshottable error
6.
so my little sister just sent me this..
7.
[30 years in the past] “You’re from the future?!?!?” “Sure am” “Amazing! Hey, can I ask you something?” “Hit me” “What are my favorite bands Guns n’ Roses and Skid Row up to?” “Uh...” https://t.co/TeqVT8jtkQ
8.
my dad proposing to minnie in front of mickey is the best thing ever 😂
9.
yea it hit your pockets different lol https://t.co/XuEot9X9fT
10.
Who did this.
11.
ever since i hit 30, being roasted by teens has overtaken my fear of sharks
12.
13.
Funny how language evolves. In the old days, you could say "I'm going to town on this horse" and it wasn't a big deal.
14.
Hill staffer sent me this pic of Ocasio-Cortez they took just now. I’ll tell you something: that jacket and coat don’t look like a girl who struggles. https://t.co/yn7G4rgxeD
15.
This email to our corrections account. I. Words fail me.
16.
my last 4 brain cells when i need to be productive
17.
once a year i think about how in highschool a girl made her instagram caption the juicy j lyric: "she eat your heart out like jeffrey dahmer" and a girl commented: "my uncle was murdered by dahmer…please delete this."
18.
not a cellphone in sight. just people living in the moment
19.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job. She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up. Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it. My grandma is fierce.
20.
21.
so one of my male cousins requested me on IG, i accepted it & followed him back bc he’s calm. he then proceeds to DM & is like ‘swear i’ve seen you around’ FAMMM I’M YOUR COUSIN 💀
22.
New fad diet: only eat things you can sing to the tune of “Alexander Hamilton”
23.
the side of el chapo the media doesn’t show you <3 https://t.co/jJYxJ7HDH5
24.
25.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
26.
I pray this a ironing board and not a giant roach staring at me