1.
you ever process your emotions in a healthy way just to flex on your dad
2.
Me during a home invasion and the burglar tells me they haven’t registered to vote
3.
Me: I’m just gonna go for one drink Me the next morning: https://t.co/FH404oGoxT
4.
My cat had her tail over my bath water and this happened... I feel like an awful cat mom for laughing so much xD
5.
of mice and men be like ____ 🤠_____ / \ / / 🐁 \ \ \ \___🤲🏻__/ / 😔 \_______|______ / 🔫(__)✌🏻 👢👢 👢👢
6.
I got M. Night Shyamalan’d
7.
NBC should replace megyn kelly with gritty
8.
that’s ross gellar, sir
9.
justin bieber really said “swag, swag, swag on you. chillin by the fire while we eatin fondue” and we just let him
10.
in ‘baby driver’ (2017) the words ‘baby’ and ‘driver’ appear on the screen. this is a reference to the fact that the movie is called ‘baby driver’ https://t.co/xZzdzv5zRZ
11.
I told him let’s get this bread but he was gluten free - rupi kaur
12.
my life is very pointless TO ME!!!
13.
black bears: make sense brown bears: also make sense polar bears: not called white bears for absolutely no fucking reason
14.
damn @McDonalds u freaky
15.
well his name isn't Cookathome Malone https://t.co/XdFw1Id7Wr
16.
My mom found out I got my nipples pierced today
17.
I went through the chick fil a drive through bawling and the girl asked me if I wanted a chocolate or vanilla milkshake. And I was like no I ordered a sweet tea and she goes “no honey you need a milkshake” Service: unmatched
18.
I made a meme about punctuation
19.
hs girls on their bday be like __ __ /_ | / / | | \ \___ | | \ o \ |__| \____/ \ \ \ \ \ / \ / \ / ✊🏽💁🏽♀️ 👖
20.
What does a house wear to a party? ... Address LMFAOOOO
21.
Your pornstar name is: Your first name + your last name Bc it’s you. You’re a hoe.
22.
told my dad to get me a small & if they were out to get the next size up.......apparently all they had was a 3X and somewhere in my dads mind he thought this was ok....I should call the police.... https://t.co/vfmWMTtKEb
23.
If I had a dollar for every time I hit a curb I’d have like 27 dollars which isn’t a lot of money but is a lot of times to hit a curb
24.
Thought I went colour blind in Asda today
25.
How to get a boyfriend as told by a kindergartner: “well you just get a best friend that’s a boy then you love him so much he turns into your boyfriend! It’s really easy Ms. Lockwood”
26.
me tweeting about postmates to my followers that live in wyoming
27.
Been getting a lot of bread lately. Not money but my carb intake is just unreal
28.
me, as a kid, getting socks as a present: oh... cool... thanks... me getting socks as a present now:
